The First Christian Church Of Taboo Sex Opens Its Doors

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Gaggle Woller, NC. Business keeps building back better in this economy as the “For Rent” signs are taken down from unit 33A at the Oakley shopping plaza. Taking over the retail location of a vegan bakery burned down during the peaceful George Floyd protests of 2020, a new house of worship has been erected.

Calling itself The First Christian Church of Taboo Sex and Body Positivity, this establishment of contemporary Christian faith seeks to bring a new style of prayer, and a new kind of consciousness, to the Gaggle Woller community.

Said the owner, and presbyter, Father Dog Willow Stevens, “We are dedicated to Christian self love, anti-racism, sustainability, diversity, equity, inclusion, social justice, cosmic justice, climate justice, and, of course, taboo sex justice. We discriminate against no person or life form on the basis of race, sexual orientation, or planet of origin. It’s high time that Christians stopped being so fussy about these important, emergent, taboo practices of sexual faith and emotional healing.”

The First Christian Church of Taboo Sex and Body Positivity hopes to reach new converts with lively liturgical offerings and a diverse clergy. “We’re making good on our promise of diversity,” said Stevens. “We’ve got a great priestess from a diverse background. She’s (oops), I used the wrong pronoun, khe is a black trans non-binary lesbian paraplegic with a master’s degree in Incest Studies from MIT. Khe is also in the history books, on record as the first black trans non-binary lesbian paraplegic to graduate with an advanced degree having completed no coursework in her, uh, I mean kher, field of study. We were lucky to get kher too, khe’s been on furlough from kher job at Quizno’s since COVID.”

Starting Monday, you can attend a 12-hour seminar, with free lunch, billed as “Sexual Acts of The Apostles.” And on Tuesdays and Thursdays, regular liturgical acts of positive self pleasure will be held with instructor-guided exercises. “Come often!” says the brochure.

“We’re here to stay,” Stevens said. “We don’t care how much hate we get. Our motto is: ‘We’re loud, we’re proud, we do it in a crowd.’ (And preferably in front of children.)”

In recent years, Christian practitioners of taboo sex and body positive therapies have suffered self-reported microaggressions from the Christian right-wing, mostly in online forums and on Twitter, and mostly in the form of frog memes and Jordan Peterson videos. It is the hope of faith leaders like Stevens that Christians will have a safe space to practice taboo sex without fear of oppression.

“We’ve had enough!” said Stevens. “We believe that it was Christ’s true calling for us to share and develop and expand upon the sexual liberation movement started so long ago. We’re at the forefront of divergent sex. We’ve got sex with psychedelics, sex with plant life, asexual poking, orgasmic abortion, and we’re really excited about sex with a side of death with dignity. We even encourage interfaith sex with other sects. Whatever is your kink, man, who are we to judge?”

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Editor’s note. Shortly after publication of this article, William “Dog Willow” Stevens was arrested on an undisclosed charge involving a minor. He is currently awaiting a prompt dismissal of charges from a progressive district attorney.

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