Upright Dogmen and Reptilian Aliens

Time to trade Ted Cruz and Putin for 'Winged Humanoids' and Nicolas Cage.

Watching the news has become so depressing that I’ve been frantically casting about for something other than war, politics, congressional panels and conspiracy theories for stimulation.

My mom used to listen to Art Bell’s “Coast to Coast” late night talk show. This was back when conspiracy theories weren't so, well...real. He talked about alien encounters, Area 51 and HAARP, a controversial Alaska-based military research facility that somehow controlled the weather. Fun stuff.

Bell died in 2018. In the meantime, talk radio became the domain of political extremists, and the new conspiracy theories weren’t fun, they were scary.

Now people are actually arguing about whether babies can be racist or if Putin's invasion of Ukraine is really a false flag for the deep state pedophile takeover or something.

But I found the perfect antidote.

Cryptids

The Phantoms and Monsters website features reports from around the world about sightings of strange and curious creatures, from UFOs to "cryptids."

Today the site is appealing for some information:

Because of recent revelations involving the winged humanoids (The Unseen Ones), we are asking the worldwide public to come forward with your sightings & encounters. Have you had a sighting of a winged humanoid or huge bat-like creature in the Chicago, Ill., metro area?...The entity has also been referred to as the ‘Chicago Mothman.’ Our investigative group is conducting a serious examination of his phenomenon.

WINGED HUMANOIDS! Where is the Main Stream Media on this? The failing New York Times? CNN?

The request continued: “We are merely seeking the truth and wish to determine what eyewitnesses have been encountering. Your cooperation is truly appreciated.”

These are my kind of people. They’re only sincerely seeking the truth, something rare these days I’d say. And they play it straight. No hyping these sightings with sensational headlines or lurid illustrations.

These guys are looking for strange “inconsistencies.” Here's a few more reports:

- ‘Upright Dogman’ Stalked & Chased Witness

- Grey, Furry Humanoids Aggressively Encircle Father & Son

- ‘Reptilian’ Alien, Clad in Coveralls, Observed in Valencia, Spain, Mountains

- ‘River Troll’ Humanoid Observed & Photographed

- Woman Claimed That She ‘Gave Birth to 48 Alien Hybrid Babies’

And those were just a selection of many more reports, just from the month of MARCH!

“Alien clad in coveralls” may be the most fascinating idea I’ve pondered in a long time.

And these reports aren’t made up. No. The witnesses and the weather and other conditions are all included. For instance:

This sighting was investigated by researcher Jim Brown. Time: Approx 7:00 AM Weather:  Overcast, Temp 22 degrees F  No precip.  Clouds at 3,000 ft Names withheld, Pseudonyms used.

See!

Like a yoga workout or a 45-minute meditation, reading these important articles will purge your brain of whatever other worries you have. Instead, you will begin to worry only about cryptids.

But if despair once again threatens to pull you under, I found another website with just the right prescription.

The Coming of the Celebrity Prayer Candles

Votive candles have been used for centuries in Catholic countries to pray for relatives who have passed away or for devotion to Mary or the saints, especially during Mexico’s Day of the Dead.

In recent times, these prayer candles have branched out to other uses. Drug cartels employ candles with the image of Santa Muerte, which means “Saint of Death,” or Jesus Malverde, the patron saint of the illegal drug trade. They believe the candles will protect them from harm.

But for most of us, our needs are more quotidian and humble. I don’t need to be invincible to police bullets. I just need a break, a palliative. I need to chill for a while.

That’s why we can all now purchase a celebrity votive candle. They are decorated not with the images of saints, but with celebrities from Hollywood, politics and the tech world.

For instance, instead of getting bent out of shape posting angry tweets promoting progressive political policies, you can instead light a soothing candle with the likeness of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding a banner that says "Change Takes Courage."

That's so much easier than direct political action, and besides the satisfaction of promoting your cause, you get the additional perk of a tranquilizing vanilla aroma filling your personal space.

Or maybe you have been signing petitions and calling your congressman about protecting our precious Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms. The John Wayne votive candle is for you.

A wide range of celebrities are available, from Baby Yoda to Steve Buscemi, all for about $15 a pop.

They can be purchased at celebrity prayer candle retailer Illuminidol.

But wait—isn't all this sorta...sacrilegious?

Not to worry. Bill Donohue of the Catholic League explains that “by ripping off Catholic iconography, these celebs pay a backhanded compliment to the Catholic Church in their quest for notoriety.”

So as springtime rolls into summer, consider abandoning the pointless gut-churning news of war, politics and scandal and kick back, light a votive candle, admire the shimmering image of Nicolas Cage, and sift out the wheat from the chaff in “I Was Controlled by a Shapeshifting Reptilian EBE (extraterrestrial biological entity).”

You'll feel a whole lot better.