The NostraDOORmouse Prognostications for 2023
(With apologies to Nostradamus, the 16th century French astrologer, physician and seer)
1. Methodists in the U.S. - already split in two by disagreements over same-sex marriage and gay ordination - will splinter further, with every Methodist believer to be declared a "bishopric unto his/her/their own selves."
2. Members of the Prestonwood Baptist megachurch in the Dallas suburb of Plano will like its Christmas pageant's re-creation of first-century Judea so much that they will decide to remain in costume throughout the year, surviving by planting crops, herding sheep and bartering with merchants at a bazaar on the parking lot.
3. Elon Musk, in his last act as CEO, will increase Twitter's length limit to 57,000 characters per tweet, so everyone can post as much self-absorbed free speech as he does.
4. Joel Osteen, pastor of the giant Lakewood Church in Houston, will shave his head and offer prosperity-inducing strands of his curly hair to followers for $3,500 each.
5. Wall Street's bronze "Charging Bull" statue in New York City will come to life and gore several passersby when the stock market finally rallies past 40,000 points in March 2023. (Brought down by police tranquilizer darts, it will change back into a lump of bronze, blocking traffic for months).
6. Competing Ukrainian and Russian AI drones will meet secretly and negotiate an end to the war to save their new biotech species.
7. "Woke" liberal and right-wing conservative lawmakers will be surprised when they both simultaneously introduce bills to create federal Morality Police patrol units.
8. The National Football League will announce that Super Bowl LX in 2026 will be held in Doha, Qatar.
9. The United Nations will bicker over a request by global fossil fuel corporations to rename Climate Change as "Climate Diversity," claiming it's a more "inclusive" label, and “it’s all relative anyway.”
10. Marijuana will be legalized in all 50 states, but because of health concerns, snacks and munchies will be severely limited, causing widespread consternation.
11. Internet sleuths will discover that Brazilian soccer star Neymar, Black Panther's blue-skinned, water-breathing Mayan superhuman Namor and "Catwoman" actress Julie Newmar are the same person.
12. A mysterious illness infecting older Americans will be linked to spreading fake internet memes, which will spawn a rash of more fake internet memes, which will...
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