Shopping for Doctrines
By Angelique deLeeuw
- Originally published in the Digital Version- August 2006
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“We’re in the last 15 minutes of our show, and for those of you who’ve just tuned in, welcome to the Doctrine Shopping Network, where we sell doctrines—all day, every day. I’m Matthew...”
“...and I’m Ruth. We’re so glad you’ve joined us. Come in and take a seat, because at DSN...we stand for nothing.”
“That’s right, Ruth. If you’re new to DSN, let me explain what we’re all about. We’re the leaders in the Christian doctrine industry. We won’t mention our denominational competitors, but you know who they are. We can offer so many quality doctrines, at bargain prices, because we buy in quantity.”
“Amen, Matthew! Tonight we’ve featured some of our most popular doctrines—from conservative to liberal, charismatic to fundamentalist, Amish to Zoroastrian, and Quakers to Shakers. Best of all, we bring it to you in the comfort of your own home. No more church shopping or committing to tiresome doctrines. Forget nursery duty solicitations, guilt-inducing tithe sermons, or seasonal Christians usurping your pew. We free you from all those thorns in your side.”
“Precisely, Ruth, because at DSN, you can evaluate doctrines for a full 30 days. If it doesn’t fit your personal style, or you’re dissatisfied for any reason, just return it for a full refund, no questions asked. There’s no accountability here, so try it in the privacy of your own home, and keep it only if you’re 100% satisfied.
“To close out the hour, we’re offering our most popular doctrine. It’s called the Tenfold Promise—item DOC-1040. It’s a universal spiritual law, which decrees that anything you give, God will return to you tenfold. This promise isn’t in the Bible, but the Qur’an proclaims it in verse 6:161. God is tolerant and culturally diverse, so He honors promises from any sacred text.”
“Let me mention, Matthew, that this applies only to blessings. God wouldn’t repay sin tenfold. He wants us to be happy, healthy and wealthy. Otherwise, what kind of God would He be? Not One I want to know.”
“Ha ha! Absolutely, Ruth. Now this is a powerful doctrine. To receive anything you want, give it in a small measure, and it’ll return to you multiplied by ten. As an example, if you want $1,000, simply give $100 to a church or charity, and BAM! your money will arrive within 40 days and 40 nights. Does it get any better than that?”
“No, Matthew, it doesn’t. What’s really great is that it has so many applications—money, compliments, sex, good deeds, food—and did I mention money? And because it demands so little for such a big return, it’s comfortable and easy enough for everyone, from baby Christians to seasoned believers. It’ll meet your wildest desires, and comes with our unconditional money-back guarantee. So what’s to lose? Call us at 1-800-DOC-SHOP and order yours now. As the Bible says, ‘Good things come to those who wait, but God helps those who help themselves.’”
“Let me interject, Ruth, that this doctrine dovetails perfectly with one we offered earlier. If you missed it, it’s item DOC-7777, God’s perfect number, and His perfect will for you. If you just purchased the Tenfold Doctrine, don’t miss out on the Prosperity Doctrine. As a recap, this is God’s promise that you can have everything you want, including wealth, prestige, health, beauty, popularity, perfect kids, power—anything that makes you happy, and all you need do is ask.
“We must move on to our final item, but call and speak with our operators, and they’ll give you all the details. We only have a few minutes left, so Ruth, why don’t you introduce our last item?”
“I’d love to, Matthew. This last doctrine is item PHI-4-4, Obey God, Ban Fun. Some examples of sins to ban are: dancing, games, music, leisure, movies, microwaves, sugar, flowers and smiling. This doctrine is a time-honored tradition, and will impress God. Sure, God will forgive your sins, but imagine the crowns you’ll store up in heaven if you forsake fun. You may even earn the right to sit at God’s right hand.
“This amazing doctrine has detailed instructions on implementing these rules in your home, your school, your church and your workplace. It contains comprehensive methods of compelling compliance, such as, shame fear and condemnation. Think of the crowns you’ll earn for bringing backsliders into obedience! As the Bible says, ‘Separate the wheat from the chaff, lest you sow wheat, but reap briers and thorns, for to the victor go the spoils.’”
“I must interrupt, Ruth, because we’re out of time. Please continue to place your orders, and remember everything comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Give us a try. We’re confident you’ll return often. Goodnight. And goodnight, Ruth.”
“Goodnight Matthew, and God be with you all. And now, The Everything is Permissible Hour—quality Christian porn set to today’s biggest praise hits. And remember, Solomon denied himself nothing his eyes desired, that grace might abound. And neither should you!”