Our Very Own Super Bowl Halftime Show

...with a kosher, hermeneutical, year-end pigskin review

You knew it was coming.

The Glitz. The Glamour. The Razzle-Dazzle.

The excitement’s been growing! And now... we can tell you.

The Wittenburg Door Super Bowl Halftime Show will roll out on Feb. 8, 2026, live from our headquarters across the street from the boarded-up FEMA offices in Asheville, N.C.

You may have noticed Christian themes creeping into Super Bowl games in the last few years. Most recently, the “He Gets Us” ads promote Jesus as just another sports fan divinity who can easily relate to everyone sitting around the chips and dips bowl, spilling beer on the carpet, using his own name in vain while cussing out the refs. Now that’s our kind of self-deprecating Jesus! Maranatha! Please come get us.

This year, politics, religion and sports are so mixed together that the American way of life as we know it may not survive. Or, things may take such an extraordinary turn that by this time next year we’ll be dipping Communion wafers into our 3-cheese dip, not just once , but twice, followed up with a shot of red Gatorade/Brawndo ( It has electrolytes ).

But luckily, The Door was ready for this unique moment in history.

Let’s review how we got here.

Bad Bunny

When the NFL announced that Puerto Rican singer Bad Bunny was going to be the Apple Music Halftime Show at Super Bowl LX, we were surprised.

Mr. Bunny’s album “Debí Tirar Más Fotos” topped the Billboard 200 in 2025. But looking at his body of work, it appeared to be entirely in Espanol (Spanish), a non-American, foreign-sounding language, spoken in many third-world countries and by the worst-of-the-worst illegal immigrants. (NOTE: Idea for next year’s ad campaign - “Don’t come get us”)

Right-wing groups also noticed this, and exploded in outrage. The Super Bowl, the most American institution in the world, should feature American-type entertainment during the world’s most important sporting event.

Comprende?

Anyway, conservative political group Turning Point USA responded by announcing they would produce an all-English alternative halftime show during the Super Bowl featuring conservative rappers and country music stars. Lara Trump even said she’d be willing to perform her version of the Tom Petty hit, “I Won’t Back Down.”

But this opened the way for virtually any group to produce their own halftime show.

And The Door was ready.

Our star-spangled show will feature Contemporary Christian Music groups Holy Soldier, Wytch Hazel and Skillet; a short version of the legendary Robert Tilton fart tape; clips from the old Beavis and Butt-head MTV series (our theologians of the year in 1996); and the fabulous, high-stepping Dallas Theological Seminary Marching Band.

And to spice up the broadcast, we’re inviting David Barton of Wallbuilders and Rachel Laser of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State to go three rounds of UFC-style fisticuffs.

We tried to get the lovely Quiverfull Exotic Dancers troupe to act as cheerleaders, but they were already tapped for the Turning Point USA show.

Looking toward 2027, we are now working on an alternative to the Super Bowl football game itself. We’re calling it The Atonement Bowl. As a form of repentance, (kneeling is optional ) various NFL teams would replicate their most grievous plays that resulted in penalties, fines, fouls, expulsions, injuries or concussion protocols, and a panel of expert judges would absolve them of their errors. We are now taking applications for expert judges from our large online fanbase. We see you! We get you!

We’re also developing plans for the World Cup and the Olympics.

Stay tuned.

Top Image: From the imagination of that Dahl-e AI art engine thingy. Apologies to our staff artists.