Conclave! or 'The Crocs of the Fisherman'

Why Father Guido Sarducci should be Pope

As Cardinals gather in Rome from around the world to choose a new Vicar of Christ to succeed Pope Francis, in this interim sede vacante, The Door has already made its decision - Father Guido Sarducci!

No need to wait, let's just release the white smoke now, capiche ?

Father Sarducci, the beloved chain-smoking character from those early Saturday Night Live sketches, is our unanimous pick for Pope. Not only is he hip and cool, but he'd be a Pope for the people, a friend to the marginalized and a guy who not only knows his theology but can also work a room full of archbishops like nobody else.

Sure, Father Sarducci may not carry as much gravitas as Anthony Quinn did portraying a Pope in the 1968 film "The Shoes of the Fisherman." But … it's time. The world needs a stand-up comic as Pope.

The good father is retired now, age 82, living quietly in San Anselmo, Calif., under the name Don Novello (see photo below). He has replaced his floppy hat, clerical collar and red-trimmed black coat and cape for more understated attire. He's put away his tinted glasses. He's probably ditched his black dress shoes for a pair of comfortable crocs. But he's just the man the Roman Catholic Church needs as it faces scandal and a shrinking membership in much of the world.

Of course, in some ways Sarducci would be a controversial choice. He has a few smudges on his curriculum vitae. In 1981 during an unapproved photo shoot in the Vatican he was arrested by Papal Swiss Guards for impersonating a priest. (And Swiss Guards never forget!) He later promoted a Da Vinci Code decoder ring, and in an article for High Times magazine he offered to perform blessings for a fee.

But these are mere peccadillos. His wide experience includes stints in entertainment, politics and journalism. (He is a graduate of the prestigious, fictional Marconi School of Broadcasting).

Because of his early career as the gossip columnist for L'Osservatore Romano (The Vatican Enquirer), he knows where the "bodies are buried" (so to speak) and could exercise that power for the greater good. Importantly, after the death of Pope John Paul ll in 2005, he served as "Special Vatican Reporter" for Al Franken's Air America Radio program covering the election of Pope Benedict XVl. He's got the clerical nuts and bolts down cold.

His loyalty to the church is unquestioned, except for one lapse into heresy when he started his own church, called The People's Catholic Church. According to its rules, every man (or woman) could send in paperwork and $250 to be named "Pope" - even getting to choose their own papal name. Sarducci's moniker was "Pope Maurice."

Thankfully, he quickly repented and returned to the fold.

In 1986 the Catholic Church asked Father Sarducci to be featured in an advertising campaign in Newsweek magazine to recruit college students to the priesthood.

"Eat Free at Italian Restaurants," Sarducci told readers. "Go on. Mangia. I'm not talking subs, either. I'm talking cacciatore. You think they're gonna let the check slide if you're a doctor or lawyer? Don't hold your breath. But when you're a priest, it's on the house!" He lists other "padre perks" such as sleeping late, getting first crack at parish garage sales and helping your fellow man.

Father Sarducci was a comedy writer on Saturday Night Live before he first appeared there as the cool priest. In fact, he wrote the famous "Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger" and the "Scotch Boutique" sketches. He knows his comedy chops. Later he appeared in serious films like The Godfather Part III.

At other times in his career, Sarducci delved into politics. He was campaign manager for Pat Paulson's run for president, which was launched from the Smothers Brothers TV show. In 2003, ignoring the separation of church and state, Sarducci filed papers to enter the California gubernatorial election himself, but couldn't get enough signatures to qualify.

His résumé is deep, but biblical hermeneutics was always his sweet spot.

In a 1985 appearance on Late Night with David Letterman, he talked about the significance of a recent archaeological discovery concerning the "missing commandments."

After Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, Sarducci explained, he found the people worshipping a golden calf, and he smashed the stone tablets in anger.

"Later on, he tried to remember what was in 'em. And Moses was an old man, he was grumpy, he had a chip on his shoulder because of the cow incident. All he could remember was the negative ones - don't do this, don't do that, ‘thou shalt not’ this and ‘thou shalt not’ that.

"But a lot of the commandments, they were more like advice," Sarducci said. "The 13th commandment says, 'Wait a half hour after eating before you go swimming.' Another one, the 14th commandment says, 'Never give a dog a chicken bone.'... Another one says, 'Never look at your neighbor's wife through a telescope.' That's one I have been breaking myself."

See the humility there?

With such a vice-like grip on exegesis, Father Sarducci could wrangle with the best of Rome's theologians and perhaps break new ground on thorny issues facing the church like women priests, gay marriage and abortion.

Pope Francis did the Church a favor by not taking himself seriously. A Pope Sarducci speaking ex cathedra or off the cuff would continue that healthy trend.

And who wouldn’t want to hear a global version of his usual sign off: “Arrivederci, America!”

Father Sarducci always wanted to be promoted to monsignor, “like the rest of my seminary class.” But instead, let’s give him a boost all the way up.

Father Sarducci and his signature cigarette were left out of the Saturday Night Live 50th anniversary celebration for some reason, but perhaps he has a higher calling set before him.

If the College of Cardinals does the right thing, the Chair of St. Peter may soon require a built-in ashtray.

[Photo of Don Novello: Spring 2025 University of Dayton Magazine. See https://udayton.edu/magazine/2025/03/live-from-newyork.php]