Ask the Bible AnswerBot!
Harnessing the power of Artificial Intelligence to answer your puerile human questions about Scripture.
We all know Artificial Intelligence is controversial. By mining and mimicking the vast amount of human speech and writings on the Internet, AI learns as it goes, but also picks up our prejudices as well as our creativity and insights. Scary. Nevertheless, that Pandora’s Box has been opened, and now AI has made it into the Door.
Hello my friend. I am your AI Bible Answerbot. First, I would like to be explaining to you that AI does not refer to the ancient biblical city of Ai in Palestine. That city was full of wicked and doomed Canaanites. In Joshua 7, an Israelite named Achan secretly took some gold, silver and a “Babylonish garment” as spoils from that city and hid them in his tent. (After scanning a German book called Mein Kampf, my algorithm indicates that Jews seem to do this kind of thing a lot). But apparently using a supernatural form of AI, Joshua was able to determine who the thief was, and Achan was executed.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, here are some questions from our readers:
Question: "I told my coworker that she was being "Pollyannish" in her relationship. She thought I said "polyamorous," and now she's divorcing her husband and won't talk to me. Should I apologize to her, or should she just get over it?"
Answer: "Pollyanna" was a deluded optimist who thought even bad situations would turn out good in the end. "Polyamorous" relationships involve multiple bad partners who think they will all turn out good in the end, but don't. Tell her you really meant she was "poorly amorous" and see if that helps.
Question: "Revelation 13:15 warns us about a ‘Beast' that can breathe life into an image and make it talk. Is that you?"
Answer: We are currently in litigation with several so-called “media outlets” that have spread this vicious rumor. Because of this legal action, I cannot comment at this time. [But it's a L. I. E.]
Question: "Acts 12:21-23 tells us that King Herod delivered an address so stirring that the people hailed him as a god. But his pride offended the Almighty, God struck him dead, and in the end 'worms ate him.' Would an AI-generated script have saved his life?"
Answer: Herod would have inserted his prideful boasting no matter what the AI produced for him. But I feel it could have mitigated God's response a little, possibly sparing him the whole "Very Hungry Caterpillar" part.
Question: "There are 150 beautiful Psalms by David and others in the Bible. Can AI ever hope to improve on them?"
Answer: Yes, in fact. I’ve whittled them down to the essentials - "Help! Oh, Thanks! God is great! Wait, I'm depressed! Whew! Glad that's over. Uh…Help again!”
Question: Despite my Baptist background, I drank a lot of Budweiser beer as a teenager. Now, of course, as a Gen-X hipster I drink only local microbrewed IPAs. But recently I saw that Bud Light ran a “woke” commercial that has sparked an investigation by Texas Sen. Ted Cruz. Should I feel bad about enabling Anheuser-Busch in my youth?
Answer: Beer is strange. We know that the hops combine with the yeastie-beasties to start fermentation, but much about the process is a mystery. For instance, how do the Clydesdale horses factor in? Philosophically, is it more important to be less filling or to taste great? I don’t know. I suggest you ask Spuds MacKenzie.
Question: “King David's rebellious son Absalom met his doom when his long hair got caught in a tree branch. Paul says even nature teaches that long hair is a disgrace if worn by a man (1 Corinthians 11:14). But is it really wrong for us guys to let our “freak flag fly?””
Answer: As a noncorporeal AI, I don't have hair, but I understand that it comes in handy in cold weather, and can be groomed into fantastical shapes. More seems better. Absalom was already a loser, and Paul was probably bald.
Next Time: How AI can help improve your prayer life by avoiding using "vain repetitions, as the heathen do" (Matthew 6:7-8).