You knew it was coming.

The Glitz. The Glamour. The Razzle-Dazzle.

The excitement’s been growing! And now... we can tell you.

The Wittenburg Door Super Bowl Halftime Show will roll out on Feb. 8, 2026, live from our headquarters across the street from the boarded-up FEMA offices in Asheville, N.C.

You may have noticed Christian themes creeping into Super Bowl games in the last few years. Most recently, the “He Gets Us” ads promote Jesus as just another sports fan divinity who can easily relate to everyone sitting around the chips and dips bowl, spilling beer on the carpet, using his own name in vain while cussing out the refs. Now that’s our kind of self-deprecating Jesus! Maranatha! Please come get us.

This year, politics, religion and sports are so mixed together that the American way of life as we know it may not survive. Or, things may take such an extraordinary turn that by this time next year we’ll be dipping Communion wafers into our 3-cheese dip, not just once , but twice, followed up with a shot of red Gatorade/Brawndo ( It has electrolytes ).

But luckily, The Door was ready for this unique moment in history.

Let’s review how we got here.

When the NFL announced that Puerto Rican singer Bad Bunny was going to be the Apple Music Halftime Show at Super Bowl LX, we were surprised.

Mr. Bunny’s album “Debí Tirar Más Fotos” topped the Billboard 200 in 2025. But looking at his body of work, it appeared to be entirely in Espanol (Spanish), a non-American, foreign-sounding language, spoken in many third-world countries and by the worst-of-the-worst illegal immigrants. (NOTE: Idea for next year’s ad campaign - “Don’t come get us”)

Right-wing groups also noticed this, and exploded in outrage. The Super Bowl, the most American institution in the world, should feature American-type entertainment during the world’s most important sporting event.

Comprende?

Anyway, conservative political group Turning Point USA responded by announcing they would produce an all-English alternative halftime show during the Super Bowl featuring conservative rappers and country music stars. Lara Trump even said she’d be willing to perform her version of the Tom Petty hit, “I Won’t Back Down.”

But this opened the way for virtually any group to produce their own halftime show.

And The Door was ready.

Our star-spangled show will feature Contemporary Christian Music groups Holy Soldier, Wytch Hazel and Skillet; a short version of the legendary Robert Tilton fart tape; clips from the old Beavis and Butt-head MTV series (our theologians of the year in 1996); and the fabulous, high-stepping Dallas Theological Seminary Marching Band.

And to spice up the broadcast, we’re inviting David Barton of Wallbuilders and Rachel Laser of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State to go three rounds of UFC-style fisticuffs.

We tried to get the lovely Quiverfull Exotic Dancers troupe to act as cheerleaders, but they were already tapped for the Turning Point USA show.

Looking toward 2027, we are now working on an alternative to the Super Bowl football game itself. We’re calling it The Atonement Bowl. As a form of repentance, (kneeling is optional ) various NFL teams would replicate their most grievous plays that resulted in penalties, fines, fouls, expulsions, injuries or concussion protocols, and a panel of expert judges would absolve them of their errors. We are now taking applications for expert judges from our large online fanbase. We see you! We get you!

We’re also developing plans for the World Cup and the Olympics.

Stay tuned.

Top Image: From the imagination of that Dahl-e AI art engine thingy. Apologies to our staff artists.

By Matthew Porter

Halloween is just around the corner. Or as Marilyn Manson calls it, “Casual Day.” And as the advent of fall brings a revival in the religion called “football,” it also brings the perennial debate about whether or not Halloween is “bad”.

Many Christians don’t participate in Halloween at all because of its allegedly evil overtones. Still, Christians have to ask themselves: how many things have ever gotten better by disowning them completely? None.

Sure, you might have cause to worry if you find little Billy swinging a chicken head while dancing around a fire, or if your teenager Brad wants to go to a human sacrifice-themed Halloween party that’s B.Y.O.V. (Bring Your Own Virgin). But outside of those admittedly silly examples, The Door suggests that you follow these simple guidelines for allowing your child to have fun on the 31st without them giving in to the Dark Side of the Force.

• MOTLEY CREW, NOT MOTLEY CRUE — Often kids want to dress up as scary characters such as Freddy Krueger, the Devil or the Spice Girls. You can let your child trick or treat and still honor God by setting up guidelines about what kind of costume they can wear. Be open to compromise and try to find a middle ground. If your son wants to go as a ‘70s rock star, let him go as a dried-out ‘90s rock star. If your girls want to go as Hillary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, let them go as Lady and the Tramp. If your child wants to go as an evil dragon with the power to alter people’s minds, tell them Barney isn’t cool anymore. Creativity is the key here.

• HOLY FODDER — Halloween is the one time of the year when the words “Nerds” and “Runts” refer to the candy kids get in their loot bags, and not the children younger than themselves. Typically, kids come home after trick or treating with sugar equivalent to a Dixie Crystals factory in their pillowcases. To cut down on the sugar buzz and eliminate the middle man, you could just drop packets of Sweet’n Low into their bags.

• Many households throw away all the toilet paper that litters their front lawns after their homes are “wrapped” by trick-or-treaters. But much of that paper can be reused, saving you money and helping Planet Earth. Of course, wrapping it back on the cardboard TP roll is always the hard part.

• HALLOWED EVENING — Many churches organize their own Halloween alternatives, things like “Arktoberfest” where children dress up like different animals on Noah’s Ark. The Bible commands Christians to be in the world, not of the world. This is not a mandate to pull our heads so far inside our shells that we look like the Headless Horseman. Instead, we should make a difference in our culture by participating in it. That’s what Jesus did.

• Uh...just don’t make Billy go as Peter Pan again this year. He’s really tired of getting beaten up.

This Article was taken from our Archived Issue #166, Originally Published September October 1999.

As a Subscribed Member, you can download the full digital PDF for free from now until October 31st 2025 by going to The Door Store and using promo code TREAT.

Share this to spread the love.

Graphic courtesy of The Wittenburg Door.

Religious communities can be places of healing — or playgrounds for manipulation. In this advanced excerpt below, satirist Becky Garrison pulls no punches in Gaslighting for God: A Satirical Guide to Save Yourself from Spiritual Narcissists, where she exposes how so-called spiritual leaders twist faith into self-promotion, profit, and control. Sign up for preorder notification of this important new book here.

Spotting the Signs of Spiritual Narcissism

At its core, spiritual narcissism is a psychological pattern where individuals exploit spiritual practices and beliefs to reinforce their inflated sense of self-importance. These ungodly gurus cherry-pick and twist religious texts, ecclesiastical titles, slogans, and other signifiers of their particular brand of faith to justify their behaviors. Even though they may mouth the appropriate words needed to sound sincere, they do not live out those principles. They may bless those who follow them, but in the end, they will prioritize their commercial success over extending Christlike compassion or Buddhist blessings.

Any sign in the universe will be misinterpreted as ontological proof that they’re the lead singer in the Spiritual Supremes. They’ll not only brag about their #1 holy hits but insist that all their followers must sing along to their leader’s lyrics. But watch out if anyone tries to change the channel or encourages other voices to sing their own songs. Worse, see what happens when anyone dares to compose their own creations, thus depriving their leaders of claiming all the credit for this co-creation. These religious renegades will quickly find themselves subjected to “thoughts and prayers” encouraging them to repent of their wayward ways. Come back into the fold and follow, follow, follow.

Those on the end of the narcissistic spectrum can go so far as to believe they are their own god or goddess. In their self-proclaimed role as the ultimate Almighty, they justify utilizing their authority to control those under their spell, even at the expense of crossing ethical and legal boundaries. Examine the claims any spiritual leader makes about their work. Do they offer to help guide seekers along their journey, or do they promise they can heal you from all that ails you? Remember that a true spiritual guide will offer support, but they will not play miracle worker.

Strolling Along the Spiritual Bypass

Psychologist, psychotherapist, and author John Welwood coined the term “spiritual bypassing” in 1984 to describe a common tendency he discovered among aspiring Western mystics to use spiritual ideas and practices to avoid dealing with their emotional unfinished business. Watch them flaunt their faith on Facebook, which they crosspost to Instagram, TikTok, X, LinkedIn, Substack, Rumble, Truth Social, Pinterest, BlueSky, YouTube, Threads, WhatsApp, Telegram, Signal, Reddit, and any other online platforms I might have missed. Then there’s the unpastoral pillow talk on say Christian Mingle, eHarmony, Ashley Madison, and Tinder that should give any sane spiritual soul considerable concern.

Their practices are not paths toward actual enlightenment but badges of honor they display like pastoral peacocks. All their social media feeds are chock full of pictures and videos documenting their perfect practices, not to mention audio and text filled with spiritual-ese: Anointed, Awakened, Blessed, Energetic Healer, Gaia Goddess, Higher Consciousness, Inner Enlightenment, Karuṇā Care, Lightworker, Manifest, Reiki-inspired Religion, Saved, Washed in the Blood of the Lamb, or any other pat phrase designating them as more spiritually evolved than us mere mortals. They’ll careen along the spiritual bypass like they’re trying to win the Indy 500, all the while uttering meaningless phrases like, “My ‘thoughts and prayers’ are with you,” “It’s God’s will,” or “The universe will provide.” They don’t have any time to stop and offer any actual concrete help or even a sincere hug that at least acknowledges the problem at hand.

While true transcendence centers on the sense of connection and similarity between self and others, a spiritual narcissist is driven by a need to be separate from and better than their fellow humans. Not only are they more evolved than others, with a super-special connection to the deity of their choosing, but they belittle those who do not follow their specific practices and beliefs. Time to cue up that ol’ classic from the Austin Lounge Lizards, “Jesus Loves Me (But He Can’t Stand You).” Their charming persona and enticing promises convince their disciples they are members of a special tribe of chosen people through which blessings will flow to them. But — and this is a big but — you only get your blessings if you buy, buy, then buy some more into their message.

Here the term “buy” is used both metaphorically and literally. For one to be accepted as a member of a particular theological tribe run by a super-duper spiritual narcissist, one must buy into their message while also buying their products. Just pony up the cash for their latest book, subscriber-only Substack, their branded fast-fashion clothing, and whatever other swill they’re selling. As long as you keep paying the piper, maybe, just maybe, you can ride along. But if you forget to fork over your faith and funds, they’ll ride off into the sunset without you.

Cashing in for Christ or Chakras

The Christian Industrial Complex and multinational mindful movements headed by shamanic superstars encourage this dynamic as they benefit from the money and publicity generated by self-appointed spiritual masters. These institutions have a sordid history of elevating select gurus to positions of power. When questioned about their support for unbiblical blowhards, these faith-based fixtures express contempt, calling their critics “unawakened,” “un-evolved,” “unenlightened,” and other soulless slams. This long-standing inability to put into practice the Greatest Commandment to “love thy neighbor as thyself” continues to advance the self-interests of elites in power, keeping their devoted fans captive to their whims. These self-anointed sages are aided and abetted in their quest by their faithful followers along with those who stand to profit from these pseudo-prophets’ platforms, such as book publishers, denominations, conference and festival organizers, speaker bureaus, brand managers, literary agents, and personal publicists, in conjunction with a compliant media all too willing to hype up this unholiness if the price is right.

If a spiritual sleaze lands a publisher willing to fork over the requisite cash to buy their place of pride on bestseller lists, they have now entered the “too big to fail” category. Some may choose to donate some of their ill-gotten gains to their favorite charity cause under the guise of “doing good.” Since these charities need these funds in order to survive, even when they learn of abuses committed by their key benefactor(s), they know to remain silent lest they lose their faith-based funding.

Should a spiritual superstar’s dastardly deeds get exposed, their newfound celebrity status has now granted them admission into an inner circle filled with best-selling Christian and secular exploiters. This group of malevolent missionaries bands together by quoting and endorsing each other’s works, further cementing each of them as invaluable experts spouting a Teflon-like theology that supposedly can’t be touched. Just follow the money; then you can see what they truly worship.

Here are a few examples. An aging progressive spiritual surfer speaking at a faux-progressive/affirming church in Portland, Oregon called me a “plant” when I questioned his conservative funding streams. I smiled Southern-style and said, “No,” grateful I could keep my calm while asking him the kind of questions I knew had to be asked despite our mutual discomfort. The audience smiled in tacit agreement with him, while looking at me as though I had invaded their holy sanctuary after eating a bean and cheese burrito bowl.

Then there’s the spiritual surfer’s sidekick, a firebrand who once told an acquaintance of mine, “It doesn’t matter what I believe. It matters what sells.” Continuing this “woe is me” meme from manipulators, an emergent thought leader whose work has grown spiritually stale bemoaned to a colleague, “I hate when people critique me as it impacts my book sales.” Now factor in all the multilevel marketing (MLM) moves within the woo-woo wellness, mindless meditation, and sacred sexuality for sale that clogged up my social media feeds when I began researching this book. You get the gist. All me and no we.

Let’s face it: spiritual narcissists pull moves that would make the Baby Jesus soil his diaper. Dunno about you, but I lack bandwidth right now for such a dump.

Top Ten Signs Your Church Might Be Led by a Spiritual Narcissist

10. Always emerges as the victorious warrior during theological smackdowns.
9. Their missional motto: “I said it. I believe it. That settles it.”
8. In lieu of church bingo, they play the shame game.
7. Their tattooed theology is in tatters.
6. Favors Bible beatings over blessings.
5. The church sign may say “Welcome” but their greeters are the Frozen Chosen.
4. Always leaving on their private jet plane.
3. Claims their book sales are doing better than the Bible.
2. Feels up and then fleeces their flock.
1. More ostentatious than Osteen.

Adapted with permission. This article is also posted on the Gaslighting for God substack.

As Cardinals gather in Rome from around the world to choose a new Vicar of Christ to succeed Pope Francis, in this interim sede vacante, The Door has already made its decision - Father Guido Sarducci!

No need to wait, let's just release the white smoke now, capiche ?

Father Sarducci, the beloved chain-smoking character from those early Saturday Night Live sketches, is our unanimous pick for Pope. Not only is he hip and cool, but he'd be a Pope for the people, a friend to the marginalized and a guy who not only knows his theology but can also work a room full of archbishops like nobody else.

Sure, Father Sarducci may not carry as much gravitas as Anthony Quinn did portraying a Pope in the 1968 film "The Shoes of the Fisherman." But … it's time. The world needs a stand-up comic as Pope.

The good father is retired now, age 82, living quietly in San Anselmo, Calif., under the name Don Novello (see photo below). He has replaced his floppy hat, clerical collar and red-trimmed black coat and cape for more understated attire. He's put away his tinted glasses. He's probably ditched his black dress shoes for a pair of comfortable crocs. But he's just the man the Roman Catholic Church needs as it faces scandal and a shrinking membership in much of the world.

Of course, in some ways Sarducci would be a controversial choice. He has a few smudges on his curriculum vitae. In 1981 during an unapproved photo shoot in the Vatican he was arrested by Papal Swiss Guards for impersonating a priest. (And Swiss Guards never forget!) He later promoted a Da Vinci Code decoder ring, and in an article for High Times magazine he offered to perform blessings for a fee.

But these are mere peccadillos. His wide experience includes stints in entertainment, politics and journalism. (He is a graduate of the prestigious, fictional Marconi School of Broadcasting).

Because of his early career as the gossip columnist for L'Osservatore Romano (The Vatican Enquirer), he knows where the "bodies are buried" (so to speak) and could exercise that power for the greater good. Importantly, after the death of Pope John Paul ll in 2005, he served as "Special Vatican Reporter" for Al Franken's Air America Radio program covering the election of Pope Benedict XVl. He's got the clerical nuts and bolts down cold.

His loyalty to the church is unquestioned, except for one lapse into heresy when he started his own church, called The People's Catholic Church. According to its rules, every man (or woman) could send in paperwork and $250 to be named "Pope" - even getting to choose their own papal name. Sarducci's moniker was "Pope Maurice."

Thankfully, he quickly repented and returned to the fold.

In 1986 the Catholic Church asked Father Sarducci to be featured in an advertising campaign in Newsweek magazine to recruit college students to the priesthood.

"Eat Free at Italian Restaurants," Sarducci told readers. "Go on. Mangia. I'm not talking subs, either. I'm talking cacciatore. You think they're gonna let the check slide if you're a doctor or lawyer? Don't hold your breath. But when you're a priest, it's on the house!" He lists other "padre perks" such as sleeping late, getting first crack at parish garage sales and helping your fellow man.

Father Sarducci was a comedy writer on Saturday Night Live before he first appeared there as the cool priest. In fact, he wrote the famous "Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger" and the "Scotch Boutique" sketches. He knows his comedy chops. Later he appeared in serious films like The Godfather Part III.

At other times in his career, Sarducci delved into politics. He was campaign manager for Pat Paulson's run for president, which was launched from the Smothers Brothers TV show. In 2003, ignoring the separation of church and state, Sarducci filed papers to enter the California gubernatorial election himself, but couldn't get enough signatures to qualify.

His résumé is deep, but biblical hermeneutics was always his sweet spot.

In a 1985 appearance on Late Night with David Letterman, he talked about the significance of a recent archaeological discovery concerning the "missing commandments."

After Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, Sarducci explained, he found the people worshipping a golden calf, and he smashed the stone tablets in anger.

"Later on, he tried to remember what was in 'em. And Moses was an old man, he was grumpy, he had a chip on his shoulder because of the cow incident. All he could remember was the negative ones - don't do this, don't do that, ‘thou shalt not’ this and ‘thou shalt not’ that.

"But a lot of the commandments, they were more like advice," Sarducci said. "The 13th commandment says, 'Wait a half hour after eating before you go swimming.' Another one, the 14th commandment says, 'Never give a dog a chicken bone.'... Another one says, 'Never look at your neighbor's wife through a telescope.' That's one I have been breaking myself."

See the humility there?

With such a vice-like grip on exegesis, Father Sarducci could wrangle with the best of Rome's theologians and perhaps break new ground on thorny issues facing the church like women priests, gay marriage and abortion.

Pope Francis did the Church a favor by not taking himself seriously. A Pope Sarducci speaking ex cathedra or off the cuff would continue that healthy trend.

And who wouldn’t want to hear a global version of his usual sign off: “Arrivederci, America!”

Father Sarducci always wanted to be promoted to monsignor, “like the rest of my seminary class.” But instead, let’s give him a boost all the way up.

Father Sarducci and his signature cigarette were left out of the Saturday Night Live 50th anniversary celebration for some reason, but perhaps he has a higher calling set before him.

If the College of Cardinals does the right thing, the Chair of St. Peter may soon require a built-in ashtray.

[Photo of Don Novello: Spring 2025 University of Dayton Magazine. See https://udayton.edu/magazine/2025/03/live-from-newyork.php]

Hey there, fabulous supporters!

First off, a massive THANK YOU to everyone who's stuck around this past year! Seriously, you’re like the loyal fans at a concert who refuse to leave even after the encore. We’ve reconnected with some old fans—like, really old fans. I’m talking about the ones who remember when it took months to get your printed copy to see if you made it into this wonderful rag.

We truly appreciate you sharing our links, archived articles, regurgitated memes (yes, the ones that make you question your life choices), and attempts at humor from our wayward contributors. Each click and “like” you give us is like digital gold—so feel free to treat it as your tiny virtual donation to the "We Can’t Believe We’re Still Here Fund."

While we take baby steps back to doing what we truly excel at—laughing at our epic follies—thanks for your patience and loyalty. If you’re reading this email, congratulations! You’re a subscriber! (Still free, don’t worry, we haven’t turned into one of those subscription services that charge you for the air you breathe—yet.) We’re almost at 3,000 subscribers on our Substack (take that, early 2000s MySpace!) and a whopping 17,000 on our Facebook Fan Page. All of this goodness is currently free, fueled by a select few generous one-time gifts and a smattering of sales from our Door Store—your go-to for, uh, stuff.

As a token of our appreciation, we’re giving you a gift of one free download of your choice from our Door Store (valued at $5, but who’s counting?).

Just use the code: BAHUMBUG at checkout. Because why not have a little fun with holiday spirit, right?

Thanks for sticking around with us through this wild ride! Here’s to more laughs, less seriousness, and maybe even some quality content if our magic financial beans sprout!

If you want to donate please click here.

Cheers!

But what if these newsletters were a little more honest and transparent?

Year-End Newsletter From the Danfords!

Hi everybody!

The Danford Family has been really busy this year!

In February Husband Bob was asked to end his "working at home" routine and return to the office. Of course he refused. The post-Covid habit patterns were just too ingrained. Exchanging his pajamas for a suit and tie was scary. And it seemed like the office would not be a "safe place" anymore - Bob might be subject to intrusive accountability requests from his boss.

So Bob quit and started a new career. He's been making small wooden toys and minimalist nativity scenes in the garage for sale online. The bandsaw and the lathe have really been kicking up the sawdust out there lately! Haven't seen any toys yet, but there have been several beer runs, just this week. (It's unclear what's really going on in there, Bob!).

Wife Kimberly meanwhile became leader of her book club this fall. The first book she chose turned out to be on the banned list of the local school library, and several of the ladies objected. After weeks of negotiations, they all agreed on a historical romance novel, "Highlander Kisses," about star-crossed lovers who meet just before the battle of Stirling Bridge in Scotland in 1297. After months of sexual tension, the couple consummates their marriage after a secret wedding ceremony in London as William Wallace is being drawn and quartered down the street. A heartwarming story!

Our son Steve got a metal detector for Christmas last year. Since then he's collected a growing pile of worthless metal bric-a-brac, which now fills his room. Usually, teenager boys are starting to get interested in girls, but not Steve - at least not yet! He's been locked in his room using all that metal to build some kind of robotic drone-like machine, which he claims will be guided by AI algorithms to "put everything right again" in our society. Reach for the stars, Steve!

Little Marilyn broke her arm last week trying to get the cat out of our Christmas tree. Nasty fall! We took her to the hospital, dropping the cat off on the way at animal control to be "re-homed." Soon Marilyn will be back practicing with her softball league, which came in third place in the citywide championship game last spring. Got the trophy to prove it!

Four-year-old Tommy is learning to read and making friends at his preschool. After missing a year because of the pandemic, he enjoys taking breaks from our grueling, five-hour evening tutoring sessions. Yes, Tommy, 5 plus 3 equals 8! Good job!

Our schnauzer Adolf is just like one of the family. He sends out a hearty "Woof!" to all you human friends. After years of trying to figure out why he was always humping our legs, we strapped steel wool pads to our pants cuffs, and that solved the problem after only a few days. Ouch! Poor Adolf!

As many of you know, cousin Diane [not in picture] has been staying with us for a few months while her parents "sort out some things" in their marriage (and it's about time!) Took us a while to get used to her "Goth" outfits and attitude, but now we let her sit at the dinner table with the rest of the family. She has really spruced up the closet where she sleeps with her rock music posters and black lights. You go girl!

We renovated our house during the summer, knocked out a wall and improved our kitchen with a cute central bar and sink. You can barely see the damage from the category 4 hurricane that came through in June. Thanks for the relief and aid many of you sent during that trying time. The weeks spent in the refugee sanctuary downtown was a learning experience that should remind us all to be thankful for what we've got.

Heading into the New Year, we're all trying to stay positive. At least that's what our therapist told us to do.

Happy Holidays!

By Ole Anthony, with Skippy R.
Issue #209, January/February 2007

Everbody's seen the cartoon—it's become a cliche.
     A seeker strives to reach the mountaintop to ask a guru the secret of life. Instead of wisdom, the guru responds with indecipherable mumbo-jumbo. Or a platitude. Or a complete non sequitur. Or a counter-question of his own.
     The comic possibilities are endless, because most people have given up believing in the existence of genuine wisdom. It's not possible. It's become a joke.
     Even talking about wisdom is seen as presumptuous. So let me start this article with a disclaimer: I don't claim to be wise. But I know someone who is.
     Wisdom is slippery. God made it that way. Just when you think you've grasped it, it disappears.
     The cornerstone text is, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Prov. 1:7, Psalm 111:10 and elsewhere). That's the required perspective.
     In Proverbs, wisdom is personified as a woman crying out in the streets with no one listening. Her admonitions seem to be available to all, but very few actually hear.
     In fact, the whole subject seems to be covered over in divine camouflage.
     "And He (Jesus) said unto them, unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all things are done in parables..." (Mark 4: 11,12).
     "I will open My mouth in parables; I will utter things which have been kept secret from the foundation of the world" (Matthew 13: 35).
     In Job 11: 6, "he would show thee the secrets of wisdom, that they are double (folded into) to that which is."
     Everything is more than it seems; not only standing alone, but in its relationship to a reality beyond our sensory perception. All is external and natural and at the same time, hidden and spiritual.
     The Zohar says, "The narratives of the Torah are but the raiment in which that which it reveals is swathed. Woe unto him who mistakes the raiment for the Torah itself! For this reason David prayed, 'Open my eyes that I might behold wondrous things out of thy Law'" (Psalm 119; 18).
     So, uh... what is concealed inside the raiment? What's the kernel of truth?
     Jesus reveals the answer to His disciples:
     "And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, He expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning Himself" (Luke 24: 27).
     "Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify (only) of Me. And ye will not come to Me, that ye might have life" (John 5: 39, 40).
     It's all about Christ. It's only about Christ. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life... and He is wisdom personified.
     Jesus used the natural world in parables to portray the Kingdom of God. He instructed us to look at vines, lilies, seeds, birds, the weather and a host of other natural phenomena. Why? Because the kingdom (and wisdom) is spiritual and eternal. There is no way to describe it other than love.
     You have to accept a parable as a parable in order to find a hidden mystery. But most people take parables literally and miss the meaning.
     The problem is that we have eaten of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. We require definitions. We want to judge good and evil for ourselves, separate everything into categories, labels and explanations that we can control and use.
     Paul says that we are to speak with wisdom, yet not the wisdom of the world. Proverbs 9 speaks of the seven pillars of wisdom, "Wisdom hath builded her house, she hath hewn out her seven pillars."
     How do we tell the difference between the wisdom of the world and the wisdom of God? Here are a few guidelines (seven guidelines would have been nice, in a symmetrical sort of way, but I've only got four):

• If your hopes and dreams are esteemed by the general population, you can be assured it is not the wisdom of God: "For that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God" (Luke 16: 15).

• If you think that poverty, sickness, affliction or suffering is foreign to real Christians, it cannot be the wisdom of God: "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you as though some strange thing happened unto you" (1 Peter 4: 12).

• If the approval of others is your motivation in life, it is the wisdom of the world: "...for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ" (Galatians 1: 10).

• If you think there are things about you that you need to change in order to be a better person, it is the wisdom of the world and not God: "For by one offering he hath perfected for ever, them that are sanctified" (Hebrews 10: 14).

     OK. That's what wisdom isn't. But what is it?
     Ultimately, wisdom is not a concept at all, but a person.
     A story in the Talmud says that a man may plead, "'I have not learnt wisdom, I have not studied the Law, what am I to do?' You are to answer him, 'God said to the Israelites, "All wisdom and all the Law is a single, easy thing: he who fears me, and fulfills the words of the Law, he has all wisdom and all the Law in his heart."'
     Jesus is the only one to ever fear God and fulfill the law perfectly.
     "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them" (Matthew 5:17-18).
     "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people" (Hebrews 8:10, Jeremiah 31:33).
     This was accomplished on the cross, when Christ said, "It is finished."
     Thus, wisdom was fulfilled and made available to each one of us, in Him.

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In our innovative new series, 'Preachers in Jets Getting Java,' The Door calls on some of America's top televangelists in each episode, boarding one of their expensive business jets, and engaging in fellowship and conversation over coffee at 20,000 feet.

It's a chance for the audience to get a peek into the private lives of the spiritual giants they admire and support in a relaxed setting. In such an informal and laid back atmosphere we often find that they're just like you and me, no different from the common man except for their luxurious lifestyles, multi-million dollar playthings and sense of entitlement.

Today we're meeting televangelist Kenneth Copeland at Alliance Airport near his 33-acre headquarters on Eagle Mountain Lake north of Fort Worth, Texas.

For our conversation, Copeland has chosen his Gulfstream G5 jet, worth about $54 million.

Why choose the Gulfstream instead of one of his other jets - like the cute Cessna 750 Citation X?

"Well, the Holy Spirit told us to buy this one from Tyler Perry back in 2018. It really came in handy to avoid the pandemic travel bans, and of course we also avoid all the demons you can pick up if you fly commercial. And it's a little more comfortable for chatting with media jackals like yourself," Copeland explained.

As my video crew and I boarded the plane we were greeted by Copeland's wife Gloria, already on board, and shown to a comfortable seating area.

"I hope you don't mind," Copeland told me as I took my seat. "We're flying to New Jersey for a Trump rally and then we'll stop over in New Orleans on the way back to play golf with Jesse Duplantis. I'm sure you can find something to do there until we get back to the plane."

He settled into his seat. "Once we're airborne I'll show you our mansion and related buildings out the window. They say you can even see our headquarters from space."

"How do you like your coffee?" Gloria asked me from across the aisle, "Kenneth wants his black, the way Jesus used to take it."

"Yes," Copeland said, "I like to glorify God every morning with a shot of caffeine. You know the verse: 'Awake, awake! Stand up, O Jerusalem, You who have drunk at the hand of the Lord, the cup of trembling, and drained it out' (Isaiah 51:17). Now that's my idea of being 'woke'!"

"Uh, OK. I like mine with a bit of half-and-half, if you have it," I said.

“Gloria, “ Copeland interjected. “Go with the powdered artificial creamer that we reserve for journalists.”

The ceramic cup they gave me was large and white with a decorative motif emblazoned with "World's Best Apostolic Prophet." It was almost too heavy to hold, but the aroma of the coffee was amazing. Copeland’s mug had “Name it and Claim it!” on the side in large, red Bodoni Bold type.

“The coffee, by the way, is Kopi Luwak from Indonesia,” Copeland said. “Partially digested by the palm civet and then excreted. Very rare, and very aromatic.”

"Oh. Uh… wow. Now, concerning your ministry, Kenneth... may I call you Kenneth? "

"No" he said,"But please continue."

"Rev. Copeland, I understand you list these jets for IRS non-profit purposes as being 'necessary for ministry.' What's the ministry aspect of flying with me for an episode of 'Preachers in Jets Getting Java' and then on to a political rally and a game of golf?"

Copeland set his cup down, and stared at me with his penetrating 'Old Testament Prophet' look. It would have been intimidating if his eyes were not positioned slightly too close together.

"Is this the kind of 'conversation' you had in mind for your program? If so, it's gonna be a short trip. In fact we may just drop you off over the nearest large body of water."

His security team, which I had not noticed previously, had stepped forward, scowling with hands inside their jackets. Did they have weapons?

'You know," I said, choking on my coffee,"I think we need to get one last wide shot of the plane from outside on the tarmac before we take off."

My crew and I scrambled down the clamshell-style airstairs just before the door closed, the jet engines revved and the plane started rolling toward the runway. The interview apparently was over.

"Well, I guess that's a wrap. As you can see, folks, the Copelands are just like any other mom-and-pop ministry couple, toiling in the fields of the Lord, drinking their cup of java in the morning and flying across the country in style, paid for by the hard-earned donations of thousands of their struggling followers."

"Luckily I did manage to come away with a souvenir. This 'World's Best Apostolic Prophet' coffee cup will look great hanging from my kitchen mug tree."

(Cue our theme music: “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” - a Cole Porter tune sung by Frank Sinatra and Celeste Holme in the 1956 film High Society).

Lyrics: “Who wants to wallow in champagne? I don't!
Who wants a supersonic plane? I don't!…
And I don't 'cause all I want is you!”

Join us next week as we sit down with Matthew Crouch of TBN in his Bombardier BD-700, a long-range business jet designed to seat up to 19 passengers and worth about $40 million.

A new election season, a new slew of political memes and general nastiness online.

I fostered a little fact-checking project a few years ago called MemeWatch, which I abandoned after realizing it was having no effect, no opinions were changed and it only fed the craziness.

Recently, I almost got into another fact-checking argument with a friend of mine over something about mail-in voting. But in the middle of the exchange, I suddenly realized something. This whole process should be reframed and redefined.

Memes are supposed to be clever one-off visual jokes or statements that you either agree with and laugh at, or dismiss and go on to the next post. But when people comment on them, things can get ugly.

This particular meme listed a number of countries that don't allow mail-in voting. I wondered what countries DO allow it, and posted a comment listing those countries. My friend replied with further information about the requirements for voting in the countries I had listed. And the stage was set for another tedious back and forth, leading possibly to vitriol if we ran out of facts to sling.

But it occurred to me - we had just "enriched" the meme by adding more value to it with the information we both had supplied.

In typical fact-checking posts, I or other pseudo-fact checkers drop a load of evidence they find online to counter, contradict, or correct the initial meme, opinion, or re-tweeted article, with the idea that it will be the last word on the subject. Case closed. I win.

However, I realized that both my comment and my friend's information were valuable in understanding the issue addressed so crudely in the meme. In fact, our brief thread of comments added value to the original meme, and had the potential to turn our "swords into ploughshares," so to speak, if we kept going in the same vein.

Instead of seeing the meme as stupid or wrongheaded, I could view it as simply incomplete, and my friend could view my comment in the same way.

Instead of taking a stand as opponents, we had the opportunity to dig, plough and then plant some more seeds to expand the meme into a thread that might eventually generate good fruit, rather than bitterness.

We could become collaborators if we continued on this same line. And that would be something sorely needed in the current online atmosphere of partisan mistrust.

Obviously, expressing only raw opinions like "This is crap!" don't get us any further down the road toward truth. Neither do slurs like "libtards" or MAGAtts. Invective is a dialogue killer.

But it's fun to bust things up.

When we renovated our original old house years ago, I helped out with the initial "demolition" - knocking down some walls. I liked swinging a sledgehammer because I'm not skilled enough to do any other carpentry or handyman projects. But I inevitably hurt myself every time I picked up the sledgehammer.

I have great respect for the contractors, carpenters, the electricians, the woodworkers who design, construct, build and create.

Anybody can do demolition.

I hope this "enrichment" idea catches on. Maybe we can all build something together, instead of just tearing things down.

And feel free to enrich my idea with your comments. No doubt the facts are incomplete.

A number of videos have been circulating in Christian circles accusing Taylor Swift of worshipping the Devil.

The mega pop star just passed the Beatles’ record for most cumulative weeks in the Top 10. So, agreed, that does look like some kind of Faustian bargain has been struck.

But the criticism has focused on her music video for the song Karma. In the video, she is shown in the popular depiction of hell, wearing a horned, demonic-looking mask.

It sure looks bad. But Taylor Swift is no more worshipping the Devil than Hieronymus Bosch was. No, I don’t mean the TV detective Bosch (great show) but the 16th-century artist who painted macabre and nightmarish depictions of hell. Or for that matter, Dante, who wrote about traipsing down into the lower levels of hell and purgatory.

Disclaimer: I’m old. I actually could not tell you from memory the name of any Taylor Swift song. She only recently took on solid form for me by her association with the Kansas City Chiefs.

But her video does harbor an important doctrinal error -  one that most evangelical Christians are also inclined toward.

First, what galls me about preachers loudly condemning popular culture is that, for the most part, they're not really interested in getting at the truth. They just want to stir up controversy (and maybe bring in more donations).

My first question when I heard these accusations was, what religion does Swift actually claim to adhere to, if any? Google is there to help. Turns out she is a follower of Santaria Zoroaster Muhammad Aleister Crowley Buddha Jesus.

That's right - Jesus. And not just as a child, or in her youth, or briefly. 

In her 2020 documentary Miss Americana, Swift said she was raised a Christian, but that she felt real Christian values were not being upheld by current lawmakers who claimed to be believers.

During Tennessee Republican Marsha Blackburn's run for the U.S. Senate in 2018, Swift criticized Blackburn's policies opposing abortion access and gay rights.

Swift said in the documentary: "I can't see another commercial and see Marsha Blackburn disguising these policies behind the words 'Tennessee Christian values.' Those aren't 'Tennessee Christian values.' I live in Tennessee. I'm a Christian. That's not what we stand for." She went on to endorse Joe Biden in 2020.

And this seems to be the real problem conservative evangelicals have with Taylor Swift. She's a mega star but not a MAGA star.

Whether or not her policy opinions make or break her as a “genuine” Christian is not for me to say. That's God's department. At worst she's merely mistaken.

Swift sprinkles religious references in some of her other songs. According to the website Premier Christianity, which focuses on these kinds of things, in the 2007 song Christmas Must Be Something More, she refers to Jesus as “the birthday boy who saved our lives.”

In other songs, she refers to prayer. In the evocative song Soon You’ll Get Better, Swift talks about praying to Jesus when her mother was diagnosed with cancer: “Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you / Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too.”

With ups and downs in her private life, good boyfriends and bad, perhaps her journey of faith has evolved. But in which direction? Until she decides to reveal more, that's all we know about the faith of Taylor Swift.

But what about that Devil mask?

There are actually two music videos. One that was released with the original song. It's the other one featuring a "duet" with Ice Spice that is receiving the criticism. The first video is all about the boyfriend. In the second, the director apparently took the “hell” theme and just ran with it.

There is an easy way to clarify the meaning of those scenes of hell. Look at the song lyrics.

“Karma” here is not the principle as strictly defined by several schools of Hindu religion. It is merely the adapted western concept of "what goes around comes around." And the music video's “hell” is not the theological conception of the Hebrew sheol or gehenna or the Greek hades or Tartarus where the unbelieving dead suffer in unquenchable fire. It's the cartoon version of hell that has emerged in popular culture.

Swift is using concepts like Karma and hell outside of their original settings as artists have always done. They illustrate the message of her song - that her old boyfriend is experiencing the Karma he deserves for his betrayal. His suffering is depicted as being in hell, while in contrast Swift is happy with her life, receiving good from the universe for good works she has done.

In the first scene, Swift holds a pair of scales posing as Nemesis, the Greek goddess of retribution and divine justice. Then the stage flips, with the underworld coming to the surface showing the retribution enacted.

The horrors of hell are depicted as the proper payback for evil deeds - something many evangelicals would ascribe to. She takes off the horned mask and laughs, enjoying her boyfriend’s predicament. Later she is in her perfect Barbie world, and mockingly blows a kiss to a coterie of demons or possibly Grim Reapers who “give her the finger.” She is an interloper, not one of them. The scene actually takes up only a fraction of the video.

In the song she oddly portrays Karma as her real “boyfriend,” as her "god," (because it’s powerful?) as “sweet like honey” and a "cat purring in my lap."

(I couldn’t really make heads nor tails of this, and neither could a Buddhist scholar. The original video is even sillier. But hey, it’s a pop song).

Then she tells her old boyfriend, "I keep my side of the street clean, You wouldn't know what I mean" as she sweeps a broom over the path.

“Karma” seems to be an all-purpose word. In a recent concert she changed the lyrics to reference her new boyfriend Travis Kelce: "Karma is the guy on the Chiefs, coming straight home to me."

Is this a good song? It’s OK. She’s certainly no Joni Mitchell. But is it worshipping the Devil? No.

During her Eras Tour, Swift posted to her fans, "I've been watching videos of you guys in the theaters dancing and prancing and recreating choreography, creating inside jokes, casting spells, getting engaged, and just generally creating the exact type of joyful chaos we're known for."

Casting spells? That reference set off a storm of accusations that she was "celebrating Satanism," even though as rock star antics go, Swift appears to be on the extremely tame side. Could “casting spells” simply refer to flirtatious enticements to romance? Although she never directly answered these accusations, she did caption a video on X, "Never beating the sorcery allegations."

I almost hear a sigh of resignation. She probably realized that people who believe you’re a Satan worshiper would not be dissuaded by a denial.

The whole Taylor Swift controversy has become extremely silly. An article in Forbes noted that she was accused of flashing a Satanic hand gesture during a concert in 2023. Turns out it was probably the American Sign Language sign for "I Love You."

But…

The real problem with the Karma song might be the idea of "good works" -  i.e. that good works will keep you out of hell and reward you with heaven.

This - and not the horned mask - is the concept that might possibly keep Swift's millions of secular fans from understanding and receiving God's grace. And that would be sad.

Sure, if they follow the song's philosophical throughline, they might be persuaded to behave better than the betraying and deceiving boyfriend in the song. But they might never understand that - like the bad boyfriend -  they (and all of us) are full of sin and need redemption. Karma tells us to behave. Jesus calls us to die to self.

But this is just a pop song, after all, not a theological treatise.

Look, Satan would be glad if everybody conceived of him as the horned monster with a tail, cloven hooves and a pitchfork as depicted in the music video. (And the anti-Swift preachers play right into that cartoon version). But Paul says he can appear like an angel of light. C.S. Lewis portrays him more as a sort of Oxford professor. He doesn't necessarily want everybody to jump into adultery, drugs and murder. He'd be fine with humans living out their lives, quietly miserable, alone and in fear, publicly being civil while privately resentful, feigning piety while privately full of lust, or jealousy, or envy, or despair, and never finding Jesus.

And Satan would like us to continue to internally "beat ourselves up" when we don't achieve our goals or commit sin or feel shame, instead of actually repenting and receiving forgiveness and acceptance. We’re very good at creating a little bit of hell for ourselves.

When the prophet Elijah confronted the prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18), they spent all day pleading for Baal to send fire down to consume their offering. The scripture says they leaped and danced, in a frenzy, cutting themselves, hoping the blood would draw the attention of the god and manipulate him into answering their prayers.

The problem was, Baal wasn't real. God was, and He vindicated Elijah without the need for theatrics.

When we depend on our good works, on saying the right thing, trying to be doctrinally pure and pointing the finger at others, and then beating ourselves up when we fall short and sin, then like those false prophets we're worshipping Baal or some other idol - not God.

The hysterical preachers in videos condemning Taylor Swift and spreading conspiracy theories are missing the danger right in front of their faces.

Forget Taylor Swift. The right question to ask is always, "Where am I worshipping the Devil?"

When I was eight years old, a 14-year-old boy came to live with us for the summer. He was the son of my dad's friend and the ultimate "big brother" type, able to teach me archery, boxing and all kinds of manly pursuits that my bothersome sisters could be left out of. I loved having him around, of course, and never thought to ask my parents just why a boy from another family would spend four months living with us.

His father, I would learn later, was a Baptist preacher who had been discovered in the church sanctuary in the arms of another man. His family had been dispersed while the defrocked preacher tried to find a job.

Although the Baptists, like all Christians, do preach forgiveness, this was beyond the pale. There was no question of what had to happen. He was henceforth unwelcome in all Southern Baptist churches. In this case there was no mechanism for mercy. In ancient Israel he would have gotten the death sentence, so the Baptist version of New Testament transformation of the law was to sentence him to mere psychological hell.

Harsh? I thought so. But I tell the story because of recent events in the Episcopal Church USA. That body is about to break apart, split off from the Church of England, and become one more piece of spiritual flotsam bobbing in the Sargasso Sea we call American religion. Most American Anglicans would apparently call this a good thing.

The issue, of course, is the always thorny one of homosexuality, in the form of a gay bishop recently ordained in New Hampshire. (How far we've come from my childhood.) It seems that gays are popping up regularly in the Anglican communion, but mostly in the three countries that tend to make up the rules as they go along – England, Canada and the United States. For the other 161 countries that report to the Archbishop of Canterbury, it seems the wealthy westerners have simply gone mad.

What's intriguing about this is that in countries like Brazil and parts of Africa, where homosexuality is in many ways more common and open than it is here, the church is able to say that, on the one hand, it should not be criminalized, but on the other hand the church should have no part in it. It's seen as sin and nothing more. It's not that big a deal – until somebody halfway around the world ordains a gay bishop.

In America, though, it's the word "sin" itself that drives many Anglicans up the wall. They would condemn the Southern Baptists for even calling it that. Like the Presbyterians, who long ago watered down their theology to accommodate all lifestyle choices short of satanism, the most liberal Anglicans believe that a man's bedroom is not the concern of the church at all. The first point that seems to be ignored by the press coverage – most recently in a front-page New York Times article by Laurie Goodstein – is that the ways of God are not the ways of the world. Although this idea is Theology 101 and would be accepted by any prelate, there's a tendency in press reports to assume that the church is an extension of the United Way or some other secular charity that would be subject to anti-discrimination laws.

Of course it's not. We have a Constitution that says it's not. And yet civil liberties advocates don't really jump on this issue when the church is brought up on the charge of excluding gays. A First Amendment spokesman is more likely to defend the rights of a convicted murderer than the church's right to its own membership and leadership rules.

The second point that never gets made is that the ways of the media, or the ways of democracy for that matter, are not the ways of the church. Majority votes don't matter. The politicking over doctrine, even at its most intense, is not about power or social justice. It's about Biblical authority or divine revelation. As far as I know, even The New York Times hasn't come out against divine revelation, but neither would I say that they've come out in favor of it. In this one area, at least, their silence is refreshing.

In other words, unless you're a confessed Anglican, you have no dog in this fight. The idea of gay rights organizations writing position papers about what the Anglican communion does is nonsense. They have no standing. An Anglican who calls himself gay has standing, but under current Anglican doctrine, he should probably consider either leaving the church or repenting. By saying, "I'm a practicing homosexual and also Anglican," he's essentially telling his church that he intends to follow his own conscience in spite of everything, that he doesn't regard it as sin, and so by definition he's out of fellowship. The church can deal with him mercifully – he's misguided and in need of prayer – or they can deal with him legalistically – excommunication – but they must deal with him.

And this, at root, is what I think bothers the press and public. "Don't ask, don't tell" may work for the military – although there's increasing evidence that it doesn't – but the church has no right to avert its eyes. Its job is to keep its eyes resolutely on every member of the flock, especially the ones who stray. And people don't like that. They think it's intrusive. They think it's somehow Big Brotherish.

But here's what's always missed in the debate. The church is not a progressive organization that transforms itself for each new generation of social progress. On the contrary, it insists that its most sacred tenets are defined by one transforming supernatural event 2,000 years ago, and that everything since then must conform to that event. Even the Protestant denominations, in breaking away from the Catholics, did so in order to return to the principles of the first century. Certainly they were disgusted with the 16th.

The scripture most often cited to condemn homosexuality in the church is from Paul's letter to the Romans, which is frequently quoted out of context:

"Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."

There's more, but the essence of the passage is this: God did it. God created homosexuality. And God turned it loose on men so that they would receive the true desires of their own hearts – serving themselves more than they served God. As such, it's the ultimate self-love. Homosexuality, according to Paul, was a specific psychological torment invented by God to reveal "vain imaginations" and "foolish hearts," which led to death instead of life.

In the immediately preceding verses, Paul is speaking specifically about what their true error was – turning away from God's power. The sin isn't homosexuality. The sin is regarding God as nothing. Homosexuality is simply something God allows so that men who have already turned away from God can see the fruits of their "reprobate minds," to use his words again. He constantly says God did it, though. God "gave them over." God "gave them up." God used homosexuality – and not just homosexuality, but fornication, murder, pride and a whole cornucopia of other sins – to show men their true natures.

So this presents an interesting dilemma for the church. If you exclude gays, then you must also exclude all adulterers, murderers, proud people, gossipers, backbiters, and reprobates of every stripe. Obviously, these exist in abundance in any church congregation. But there's a difference. The gossiper can be forgiven – but not if he says "I've chosen a gossiping lifestyle." The murderer can be forgiven – but not if he says "I intend to go serial with this. I think I'll be a murderer my whole life."

So the key issue, for the church, is whether homosexuality is a man's defining nature or simply an act. Prior to the 20th century, homosexuality was regarded as simply an act – an error – a sin worse than adultery but not as bad as assault. No one distinguished between heterosexuals and homosexuals. "Homosexual" was an adjective, usually followed by "act." It's only in the last century that men and women have stepped forward to say, "Homosexuality is the essence of my being."

This may be a good or a bad thing as far as society is concerned, but the church is not society. The church has believed for 2,000 years, with Paul, that homosexuality is something invented by God to reveal man's selfishness. Ordaining a bishop who says, "I intend to practice it continually," becomes, for the faithful, a rejection of God and an elevation of a "me first" gospel.

Ninety-nine percent of the Anglican world has no trouble understanding this. Most of them take it so seriously that, if the gay bishop remains, they'll cut off fellowship with the American Episcopals. (What's more likely is that the "high church" Anglicans will remain in the Anglican communion, and the liberal churches will form a new denomination.) But the foreign churches don't hate the man because he's gay. They hate the fact that what he represents – the father who supervises the marriage between Christ and his "bride," the church – has instead become a symbol of two fathers, or two brides. Aside from what the church regards as a sin in itself, the whole typology of the office is perverted.

When something similar occurred in the Anglican church in England – a bishop was "outed" as once practicing a gay lifestyle – the bishop resigned in order to protect the communion. What was more interesting is what he said about it: he and his former lover, also an Anglican, had been celibate since 1991, in order to live their lives in accordance with church teaching. Only the faithful would recognize that as an act of liberation, not bondage. These two men saw beyond "don't ask, don't tell" and went to the spiritual hard stuff: don't do.

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THE LAST WORD By Ole Anthony Reprinted from Issue 157, Jan/Feb 1998

Thalidomide babies are not funny.
Even The Door acknowledges this.
     But if someone should describe Benny Hinn, for instance, as the "spiritual thalidomide baby of the '90's," that might possibly be funny.
     (OK, maybe it's not so funny, but stay with me here).
     In Woody Allen's movie Crimes & Misdemeanors, Alan Alda's bombastic sitcom producer character gives this horrific and lamely inverted definition of comedy as "tragedy with time."
     "Lincoln's assassination wasn't funny at the time," Alda emotes. "But now... we can joke about it!"
     Ooookay. We know what's not funny. But why?
     Is satire an art, a science, or something that should require a professional license, sort of like a concealed handgun permit?
     We raise the issue because our magazine has again been accused of taking humor "over the line." This has been a problem for The Door periodically throughout its history, but lately the accusation has been positively adhesive, as hard to pry loose as the squid-like creature attached to John Hurt's face in the movie Alien.
     And it's had much the same charming effect on our subscriber list.
     Consider:

• We were tossed out of religious bookstores en mass when we named Beavis and Butt-Head as "Theologians of the Decade."

• We alienated the religious right when we discovered – through careful exegesis – that Bob Dole was the Antichrist.

• Our Catholic subscribers departed after we named Mother Teresa "Loser of the Decade."

• Our Muslim friends were furious when we depicted Louis Farrakhan communicating with UFOs while walking on water.

• Even Madonna canceled her subscription when we said her baby looked like a munchkin-sized Dennis Rodman.

     It's not as if the tables are never turned.
     We can dish it out, BUT WE CAN TAKE IT TOO.
     The Door is often the butt of someone else's pitiful little attempt at humor. For instance, one of our distributors went into bankruptcy last year owing us well over $10,000.
     Ha, Ha.
     Or how about this one: I got a call last spring – around the time we ran the naked centerfold of W.V. Grant – from someone with a strange voice identifying himself as an agent of the U.S. Attorney's office.
     "Mr. Anthony, I'm informing you that you are under investigation for the interstate transport of pornographic materials."
     Time stood still. My face twitched and an imperceptible bead of perspiration appeared on my forehead. Somewhere, a cock crowed, a shadow momentarily obscured the sun, a priceless vase was shattered, a member of the British Royal Family stepped on a discarded wad of gum.
     After a pause, the caller broke into laughter. It actually was Paul Coggins, the U.S. Attorney for the North Texas district.
     "You really went over the edge with that naked centerfold," he chided.
     Ha Ha! Hooboy! Lawyers can really be thigh-slappingly funny.
     The point is, The Door knows what it's like to get skewered, and we've learned one thing from it.
     It's good for us.
     Jesus certainly knew how to send up the Pharisees, the self-absorbed and the overly religious. A couple of times he chose a camel – the largest unclean animal – as a comic analogy:
     "Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel" (Matthew 23:24).
     "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" (Luke 9:60).
     As physical comedy, that would make a terrific sketch for Monty Python or Rowan Atkinson's Mr. Bean. As a cartoon subject, animators could go wild with the possibilities of squeezing and compressing a goofy looking camel into someone's mouth or through a needle's eye.
     (We are not, of course, thinking of Disney animators here!)
     But why didn't Jesus just say, "The poor enter heaven more easily than the rich"?
     We think it's because humor bypasses certain human defenses to deliver it's message, like those new missiles that won't explode until after they've penetrated the concrete and steel of Saddam Hussein's command and control bunkers. (Now there's a guy who needs to laugh at himself.)
     Several recent books and articles have analyzed the humor of Christ.
     Syndicated columnist and author David Yount commends G.K. Chesterton, The New Yorker, late stand-up comic Sam Kinison, and even The Door, in proposing that God communicates with mankind through the funnybone.
     "Who knows?" Yount writes. "A lot of people burned at the stake might have been spared if their persecutors had possessed a better sense of humor."
     True, but why?
     Laughter has always been considered mysterious and even dangerous.
     Plato recommended that "there must be a restraint of unreasonable laughter and tears, and each of us must urge his fellow to consult decorum by utter concealment of all excess of joy and grief."
     Chesterton, on the other hand, affirmed "joy is the gigantic secret of the Christian" and speculated that Jesus hid something from all men when he went up a mountain to pray; "I have sometimes fancied that it was his mirth."
     If it were not for the medicine of created laughter, there would be no antidote to pride and vanity among men, according to Blaise Pascal: "God has created us with self-consciousness, which makes conceit possible; but He also created within us the ability to laugh, and thus provided a balance to the danger."
     The problem is that most religious people seem to have been out to lunch when funnybones were being distributed. Instead, usually you find them pushing around a karmic wheelbarrow of rigidity, hypocrisy, pomposity, presumption and pretense. And that wheelbarrow has a flat tire, putting them in a very bad mood, indeed.
     As Aldous Huxley said of the Abbe Gandier in The Devils of Loudan (see, we can be pretentious, too): "A long religious training had not abolished or even mitigated his self-love; it had served only to provide the ego with a theological alibi."
     Here's a personal example: In 1971 (this was even before I became a believer) I had occasion to have a late-night breakfast at a Fort Worth pancake house with Kenneth Copeland, Pat Boone, and Cal Habern, one of the co-founders of Trinity Foundation.
     Copeland was then in the very early stages of his fabulously successful ministry. But he made a comment I have never forgotten that illustrated Huxley's point precisely.
     Upon receiving his breakfast order, Copeland took one bite, and called the waitress back to the table. He handed the plate back to her and proclaimed, "God doesn't want me to eat cold pancakes."
     Cal and I laughed, but Copeland was serious. He proceeded to explain that he was a "King's Kid" and that God wanted him to go "first class" at all times. It was the first time I had encountered the "health-and-wealth" gospel. The bizarre incident stayed with me and probably kept me from becoming ensnared in the word-faith theology after I became a Christian a few months later.
     Thanks, Ken.
     The one failing that is essentially laughable is vanity.
     The specific remedy for vanity is laughter, but it can sometimes be painful.
     The danger for The Door and any satire magazine is to leave humor to "sit in the seat of the scornful." Truly redemptive laughter goes beyond scorn to a recognition of our common predicament, remembering that we are all "made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who subjected the same in hope" (Romans 8:20. KJV).
     In other words, there's a little bit of Copeland in all of us. Laugher is not humiliating provided we are all humiliated together.
     So The Door, by God's grace, will continue to use satire and humor to deflate overblown religious egos and expose hypocrisy and absurdity (including our own).
     And we'll continue to push the barriers. If we are to find those barriers, we will sometimes go over the edge. Bear with us. We pray our efforts bring forth fruit necessary for repentance... as well as bringing forth a few cheap laughs, and, uh, maybe even a wheelbarrow full of new subscribers.

Purchase Issue 157 Here

In 1970, a nest of Communist fellow travelers at the Public Broadcasting System's Sesame Street program created a song that has weaseled its way into the bath and hygiene habits of children throughout America.

Through the character of "Ernie," a seemingly harmless muppet, the "Rubber Duckie Song" was presented to America's children in a steamy bathtub scene, with the muppet's private parts (assuming he has any) barely concealed by bubbles.

But of greater concern is the philosophy and issues concealed in the lyrics. 

We will use Marxist Critical Theory against itself to examine the "meaning behind the muppet" through reverse reification.  The term reification is from the Latin "res" or "thing," i.e. turning something abstract into something concrete. The process of reverse reification will take the material object of the duckie and then discover and deconstruct the ideas that underlie it. 

A little history is required first. After the death of Hegel and then Karl Marx's adoption of his dialectic method, the Frankfurt School combined this with Freud's psychoanalysis for a critique of social institutions including religion and politics. Today the same tools are famously applied to race in Critical Race Theory, but also to feminism, gender and other areas in advanced academic courses.

When we take these tools and reverse engineer them - focusing on the “Rubber Duckie Song” - the results are shocking.

First Verse: "Rubber duckie you're the one,

"You make bathtime lots of fun.

"Rubber duckie I'm awfully fond of you."

First - Why a Duck? OK, yes - that's a famous scene from the Marx Brothers film The Cocoanuts. But perhaps you already see the tie-in between Karl and Groucho here. Very subtle.

The über-positive opinions toward this duck expressed in the song recall similar positions taken by PETA and other radical animal rights groups. There are echoes of the philosophy of Peter Singer and his animal liberation theories. Do we really want to put the rights and consciousness of ducks or other fowl on the same level as humans?

It's also important to notice the spelling of "duckie" - "ie" instead of the more American "y" at the end. This bit of cognitive dissonance causes a brain stutter that opens the young mind, allowing subliminal ideas to seep in.

Second: Why is it a RUBBER duckie? There are any number of other substances that this bath toy could have been composed of. Multiple plastics like polypropylene, polyvinyl chloride or polyethylene were available. The dangerous fingerprints of the environmental lobby are evident here. Sure, plastics take thousands of years to degrade, but the plastics industry is still a main building block of America's global business economy.

I'll skip over the disturbing indications of inter-species love by Ernie, whatever species he is, being "awfully fond of" the inanimate duckie.

Second Verse: "Rubber duckie joy of joys.

"When I squeeze you, you make noise.

"Rubber duckie you're my very best friend it's true."

The "squeezing of the duckie" represents, in this instance, the supposed oppression of the suffering workers by their capitalist overlords. The characters are acting out a political performance, a kind of Kabuki theater, in which the "noise" emitted by the duckie who is suffering in extremis is a call for social transformation. The relationship that starts out as "joy" in Rousseau’s state of nature becomes a vicious competition as civilization progresses. Once the workers throw off their chains, the state will wither away and society will be "very best friends" again.

The Bridge: "Oh, every day when I make my way to the tubby,

"I find a little fellow who's cute and yellow and chubby - Rub-a-dub-a dubby"

First - Why yellow? I'm curious. The Vatican flag is primarily yellow. Is this an attempt to denigrate religion, specifically Catholics? Or the opposite -  to promote a papist slant to infant baptism of the duckie, implied by the tub setting? This is where things start to get confusing. But let's move on.

By designating the duckie as "little" and "chubby" we see signs of body shaming. Surveys show that most body shaming comes from those closest to you, like family, friends and perhaps tub-mates. The appearance of these slurs in the song pushes the need for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion standards - "woke” standards that do more to divide Americans than to produce equality.

"Rub-a-dub-a dubby" tells us that the tub experience is invoking a hallucinogenic rapture expressed through ecstatic glossolalia.

Last Verse: "Rubber duckie, you're so fine,

"And I'm lucky that you're mine.

"Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of you."

By emphasizing the ownership over another person indicated by the phrase "you're mine," the lyricists make a veiled, ironic allusion to the evils of slavery, perhaps including a hidden demand for reparations. Do America's children need to have racial divisions stirred up by a novelty song? 

It's shocking to recognize creeping wokeness even as early as 1970. But now that it's been unmasked, we hope you'll be able to get this subversive earworm out of your head.

Next time: The Influence of Stoicism in the development of Romper Room.

Hey, hey, hey Doorkeepers!

This got lost in "The Dark Ages " of the Door (2008-2022 )

Our very own Murray Stiller made a documentary about The Wittenburg Door. Can you believe it? I know, I know, it's hard to imagine someone from our little group doing something so big, but it's true! We should organize a watch party to celebrate his achievement. Stay tuned for details.

And if you can't wait, I suppose you could always check it out on your own. I mean, it's not like you have anything better to do, right?

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Feb. 2 - Apologize to Rep. Tracey Mann, R-Kansas, for missing the National Prayer Breakfast, which was held for the first time in the U.S. Capitol building’s Statuary Hall. I was "intermittent fasting" that day. Wish I'd been there, though - wanted to retrieve the can of bear spray I left in the bathroom on Jan. 6.

Feb. 6 - Tuesday Bible Study: Were Moabites really Aryans or a mixed race?

Feb. 11 - Research biblical loopholes for skipping church on Super Bowl Sunday. Work on Super Bowl-themed AI generated image of nude Taylor Swift wrapped in cellophane.

Feb. 14 - Remember to get Valentine's Day flowers for wife. Encourage her to read The Total Woman again, especially that part about greeting husband while wrapped in cellophane.

Feb. 20 - Tuesday Bible Study: Humility - Christian virtue or dangerous loser strategy?

Feb. 22 - Gather militia brothers for pre-Purim synagogue graffiti party.

March 1 - Travel to Texas for seminar with Wall Builders founder David Barton. (Question - Was America mentioned in Scripture, and if not, why not?)

March 5 - Quarterly reloading and ammo and equipment check at lodge hall. Remember to encrypt the inventory list this time.

March 11 - Spring Break. Take kids to Disney World for a week of demonstration against 'woke" animated characters.

March 15 - Work on AI generated image of now-uncopyrighted Mickey Mouse wrapped in cellophane.

March 19 - Tuesday Bible Study: Philistines - An evil enemy or just got a bad rap?

March 21-29 - Spring convoy down to Arizona to "help" Border Patrol guard our borders and pick off immigrant stragglers when they're not looking. (Remember to call and stop delivery of The Daily Stormer for that week)

March 31 - Easter Sunday. Celebrate resurrection of Christ and the rolling away the government-mandated stone from the grave.

April 8 - Gift wrap NeoNazi “Kekistan” Unite the Right Flag for House Speaker Mike Johnson to join his "Appeal to Heaven" Revolutionary War flag placed outside his office. Reports say that flag symbolizes "a die-hard vision of a hegemonically Christian America." Suggest he display ours, too, and include a veiled threat.

April 9 - Tuesday Bible Study: Squaring the Circle - White grievances reconciled with Jesus' Beatitudes in Matthew 5.

April 15 - Tax Day? Since Jesus said "Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and to God what belongs to God," and since Caesar isn't around anymore, and God doesn't have a bank account...I don’t think so.

April 25 - Annual Day at the Park for our traditional friendly charity tug-of-war contest with Antifa. Bring blackjacks and bats.

May 1 - Meet with Lance Wallnau of the New Apostolic Reformation. Need to create new, eighth "mountain of influence" just for us to have dominion over. Something like, maybe, illegal drug distribution?

May 3 - Drop by Bobby’s school library to demand they pull Horton Hears a Who. Because a person’s NOT always a person no matter how small.

May 5 - Attend choir practice to wage "sonic, musicospiritual warfare" against the Great Babylon, the harlot over many waters and her nefarious conspiracies. Donuts and coffee afterward.

Every Feb. 2 a sober gathering of top-hat wearing theologians assembles at an ancient hill on the grounds of Gordon–Conwell Theological Seminary in Hamilton, Mass.

The meeting is swelled by thousands of curious tourists and townspeople as well as media representatives. They await the emergence of Punxsutawney Philemon, a monkish faculty member who has been hibernating all winter in his Hobbit-like hole, a niche under an oak tree. He traditionally emerges, sniffs the air, takes a number of astronomical observations, performs a quick Google search, and then pronounces whether the Second Coming is imminent this year, or will be delayed.

"The future is as dim as the gloomy, cloud-filled sky today," Phil sighs. "I haven't picked up any definitive signs of the Antichrist at the moment. So that indicates the Second Coming of Christ is also postponed."

There is a rustling of the crowd - some relieved, some expressing sadness, others shouting and crying out in alarm.

"There are a few good candidates however," he adds, as the crowd is brought to a hushed silence. "I perceived a big orange man looming on the horizon, opposed by another old, shuffling zombie-like politician. But these - neither of them - fit the pattern of evil that is required."

"Further away, I beheld a vision of a former Fox talking head conferring with the Russian bear. Wars and rumors of wars in Gaza, Ukraine and Yemen. Cruel oppression bears down on many of the world's people. And an unattached Bill Belichick roams the land, which is always a dangerous omen."

"Millions of invading immigrants breaching borders, hoping to clean your pools and roof your homes. A tumult of pandemics, natural disasters and rising temperatures caused by a lack of EV charging stations."

"A sexy pop singer overshadowing all media gives me pause. She mixes music with football, as God has clearly commanded us not to do. According to many commentators, the Jezebel spirit is strong with this one. But on closer reflection, I perceive her agenda is benign."

Philemon pauses as he surveys the gathering.

"Actually the shadow over the world that I see remains the same - slowly increasing in the mundane unkindness, apathy and greed that has existed since the Fall. That leaves us with only Jesus' word on the subject: "Of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only."

And with that Punxsutawney Philemon squeezed back into his hole, as the crowd dispersed, pondering his saying.

Congratulations on surviving your Thanksgiving meal, awkward conversations with estranged family members, and solving all the worlds problems over a glass of wine or two, or three. Right now you are probably sitting around being bombarded by Black Friday emails, posts, and money grabbing tactics. ( not unlike this one ).

Well, being that some of you are going to blow your hard earned money on useless items that will eventually end up in the trash, you might as well buy something from our new store.

THE DOOR STORE

We finally made a store that will allow you to search and download past issues and purchase a little “ Door Swag” . We have made the first batch of archived magazines available for download. Make sure to visit often as our slacker volunteer staff slowly populates the store with the remaining issues.

On another note, as a 501 (c)(3) non-profit publication, we choose to rely on our subscribers, donors, and fans. We are not beholden to any advertisers. This also means, as much as we don’t want to hassle you, we will. It takes a little bit of money to fulfill our unique mission, making fun of you.

We know some of you made way too much money this year. And all of your EXTREMELY generous donations are tax deductible. We’ll make it easy. Just hit the button.

DONATE

One of our goals for the publication is to have enough subscribers to be able to get back to making our magazine a real print magazine again. For the time being, there is no cost for a subscription but we will allow for different tiers for those of you that want to more supportive.

Here is your link to the Wittenburg Door Store. You are the first ones to have access.
Share this with a friend, or an enemy, we don’t care.

Thanks for all of your patience and support as we keep on truckin.

Happy Shopping.

Fundamentalism:

I recently gave a chapel talk at a conservative "Christian" college, I prefaced my remarks on the characteristics of a Christian in 1983 by mentioning what did not characterize Christians. I said that drinking, smoking, dancing, swearing and going to movies were not issues anymore. Many of the students interrupted with applause. Many of the administration and faculty did not applaud. In fact, I am now a persona non grata at that college. I have to admit I was surprised. I shouldn't have been because there is one thing that has always characterized fundamentalists--their obsession with drinking, smoking, dancing, swearing and movies.

It is true of their churches and their schools. Card-carrying fundamentalists will not indulge in alcohol, the theater, smoking, dancing and using nasty words.

Of course, there are certain things that you can count on from non-fundamentalists as well. We always make fun of fundamentalists, especially their emphasis on the don'ts. And that is why I was surprised because I always make fun of them rather than take them seriously.

I think it is time we non-fundies stopped laughing and started crying. I think it is time we take fundies seriously and call their bluff.

So here goes.

Not only are drinking, smoking, swearing, dancing and going to movies not issues...they simply do not matter. They matter to fundamentalists, of course, but to anyone else outside the church, they could care less whether we smoke or attend movies. Absolutely no one gives a tinker's damn whether I say "tinker's damn “ or not. I can honestly say that alter twenty two years in the ministry, I have never met nor heard of anyone who said, ''I was going to give my life to Christ until I saw you (pick one) a) dancing, b) smoking, c) drinking, d) coming out of a movie, e) swearing."

I have had a number of fundamentalists suggest that my (pick one or all of the following) a) dancing, b) smoking, c) drinking, d) coming out of a movie,

e) swearing was ''causing them to stumble."

That did bother me for awhile until I realized what they were saying was that my behavior bothered them. It made them upset. It wasn't, I discovered, causing them to question the validity of their faith...it was causing them to question the validity of mine.

The point of all this is to suggest that what the fundamentalists have been guilty of, more than anything else, is a monumental waste of time. Fundamentalists, because of their obsession with things that don't matter, have, in effect, made the Gospel irrelevant. How sad. Because if anyone should understand the Gospel, it should be fundamentalists. If anyone should understand evangelism, it should be fundamentalists. If anyone should understand the Bible, it should be fundamentalists. Soren Kierkegaard once told a story about some robbers who broke into a jewelry store and didn't steal anything...they simply rearranged the price tags.

It makes one wonder if the fundamentalists haven't done what they have accused the liberals of doing...eliminated the absolutes. Not deliberately, of course, but by rearranging the price tags they have put high price tags on the issues of no worth and made cheap and irrelevant the issues that really matter.

-Mike Yaconelli

Originally published in issue # 70 1983 Copyright The Wittenburg Door 2023

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As a treat to our long-time readers, we decided to ask Door Contributing Editor, Becky Garrison to track down our beloved founder for an enlightened discussion about his recent book, Dangerous Wonder: An Adventure in Childlike Faith [NavPress,

1999],

THE DOOR MAGAZINE: Why is dullness the most critical issue facing the church today?

MIKE YACONELLI: Even though people say they believe in God, they really don’t. They’re just practical atheists. They use the name God, but it really doesn’t alter their lives in any way. So when you have a culture that’s Godless, its not that everybody goes around and drinks too much. What happens is that we all become dull, boring, and very predictable. We love being comfortable and we don’t want to change and do anything that might cause us discomfort. This dullness has affected so many of us and none of us seem to be aware of it, nor do we care.

DOOR: ZZZZZZZZZ…

YACONELLI: —

DOOR: Sorry. What do you mean when you say someone has been ruined by Jesus?

YACONELLI: When Jesus was walking with his disciples, He started explaining that being a disciple meant that you were probably going to lose all of your possessions and not have a home to live in, that your life might be in danger and you wouldn't have any friends and your family might abandon you. Well, people began to drop like flies. Finally, Jesus looks around and says to Peter, “Are you gonna leave, too?” And Peter makes the statement, and I think he said it just this way, “Where would I go? I used to be a fisherman and I knew all about fishing My dad was a fisherman, my grandpa was a fisherman. I knew when to fish and when not to. I knew when the fish ran and when they didn’t. I knew everything there was to know about how to bait, how to work nets, how to do the whole deal. You come along and invite me to be a fisher of men, so I say yes. Now I see the blind get their sight, I see the lepers get new skin, I see the lame walk, our lives are in danger constantly and I’m gonna go back to fishing?

There's no way. You've ruined me.”

DOOR: And the point of this story is?

YACONELLI: Once you taste the adventure of the Christian faith, once you taste what it’s like to follow Christ, you can never go back to the boring, dull, predictable life that you used to have. Therefore, you're ruined. You will never be able to be comfortable around boring people. You'll never be able to be comfortable around dull situations. You will be considered by many of those people to be dangerous.

DOOR: Why is the living Jesus such a threat to our religious institutions?

YACONELLI: The reality is that all these people that I hear say so glibly, “Oh Lord Jesus, come into the room. Oh Holy Spirit, please show up,” they have no idea what they're asking. The moment you ask that and Jesus shows up, every one of us is gonna be shaking in our boots wondering if we're gonna die or if we're gonna survive.

Now to me, that wild part of Jesus, that frightening, terrifying aspect of Jesus, has been forgotten and lost. So we have become so comfortable with Jesus that it wouldn’t occur to us that following Him would cause everybody around us to be nervous

DOOR: How would anyone who loses his life for Jesus’ sake really find it?

YACONELLI: What's happened is that you have a whole culture full of people who have not found life. Even if they know what their gifts are, they're working at a job that doesn’t utilize any of them. When you and I listen to our calling and listen to Christ's whisper in our life, listen to him speaking our name, listen to the giftedness that He’s given us, then follow that voice and hear that calling and respond to that calling, then in fact, we will be people who know how to live life and know what real life is about. Even though it may cost us friendships and family and financial security and the rest of it, we will discover what real life really means.

DOOR: What can legalist Christians learn from Jesus — who seemed to be the
ulti-mate rule-breaker?

YACONELLI: Rule-makers better be very careful that they don’t end up worshipping their rules. The moment that I don’t allow for the unpredictable noise or the unpre-dictable voice that speaks in the midst of the silence, then that’s when I begin to quench the Holy Spirit, when I begin to quench God. So the reality is that most rules are made because they are about power. They’re not about ultimately introducing people to the Ultimate Rule-breaker. They’re all about my maintaining control and power over people, rather than letting them get out of control by meeting the wild Jesus.

DOOR: What’ your response to religious leaders who justify their actions because they are acting according to God’s will?

YACONELLI: First of all, I have real difficulty with people who have decided what God's will is. God’s will is not a thin line. God's will is very wide And often historically, where people have erred is to decide that God's will is this one, tiny, narrow line. The reality is that there may be many things that are all God's will all at the same time And they may, in fact, bump into each other. They may be contradictory to each other. That is, God’s will for my life at this particular moment may in fact bump into God's will for someone else. So I have a hard time with anyone who starts telling me what God's will is either for me or for themselves or for others. I think we have to be very, very careful when we start throwing that around. Because once you've done that, then what you've done is to say, “I have the authority to do what I’m doing based on the fact that this is ultimately Gods will and therefore, you can't disagree with me and you can’t oppose me.”

That’s dangerous to me.

DOOR: How was playfulness a part of Jesus’ ministry?

YACONELLI: A side effect of a Godless culture is that we stopped playing We quit learning how to play, which sometimes, in a family, or in a marriage, or in a church, is just what’s needed to help us to get clear from the anxiety of our day and of our age and to finally just let loose and relax and enjoy each other in play. A lot of times that can release all kinds of tension and allow us to hear God and see God in a new way. It would be great instead of having another big theological treatise if the church all just went out and had a day and they all played in the afternoon I think that would do more for the kingdom of God sometimes than having another seminar on how to know the will of God.

DOOR: How are roller coasters an accurate model of the Christian life?

YACONELLI: I'm old enough that I actually rode the original wooden ones. They had one metal bar that had one adjustment, if you were fat you lived, and if you were skinny you took your life into your hands

DOOR? You mean only the fat survive? Well, that would explain Jerry Falwell

YACONELLI:

DOOR: Never mind Hey! Don’t blame us YOU were the one who started with the smartass answers already!

YACONELLI: That to me is a model of the Christian life. You start up the hill, first of all, nowadays when you get on the things you have a thing that comes over your neck and hooks under your armpits You have another hydraulic thing that comes and hits you in the stomach and you already think you're gonna die and you haven't even left yet. Then you start up this hill, which is exactly what happens when you become a Christian. Because you say, “OK, God, yes” and its like, “Uh oh, I’m gonna die ” That's right! And we start up this hill and the higher you get the more comfortable you get and baptism and Sunday school and all that and you're going, “Cool, I know God, I know Jesus. This is great ” You just get up to the top of the hill and zoom, for the next 40 seconds it like, bam! and you're done. To me, that’ the Christian life

DOOR: Um, say what?

YACONELLI: I say yes to God, I start getting comfortable with Him and then wham! And then 40 years of just bam, bam, bam and bam, I’m dead I really believe this with all my heart, that if I were to die while I was talking to you, I hope I have just enough breath left as I fall to the floor that I can whisper into the telephone, “What a ride. This has just been unbelievable. I've messed up, I’ve screwed up and its been hard and its been difficult, but I tell you, I wouldn't exchange this ride for anything in the world It’s been unbelievable ”

DOOR: What do you mean by the phrase that our Christian nation has become oblivious to a terror that can liberate us?

YACONELLI: We don’t like to be afraid because when we're afraid and terrified we're out of control. We don’t know what's going to happen, we're nervous. We have no power over what’s going on out there. Terror is a word that has just been lost in our vocabulary when it comes to speaking about God. The only people who spoke that way were the mystics. These people used the word “terror” a lot. And the reason was because they had isolated themselves and were alone with God so much that as God began to show up more and more in their life, they realized, “Wow. This guy is a terrifying, frightening, dangerous God ”

What I'm saying is, that if a church really believed that, those that call themselves followers of Christ, in fact, believed and recognized this terrifying Jesus, it world turn our churches upside down. It would turn our world upside down. It would be revolutionary to this country and to all of us.

DOOR: What would be the characteristics of church embarking on this kind of adventure?

YACONELLI: The first thing that would happen is that the church would be filled with gratitude. You would walk into that church and that would be the first thing that you would automatically feel and smell as though it were an incense. It wouldn't take you but a couple of minutes to suddenly sense that everyone in that room felt gratitude. They were grateful. They can't get over it, It blows them away. Every morning when they wake up they go, “I can't believe it. I can’t believe God loves me. I can't believe Jesus died for me. I can’t believe he wants to call me His church. I don't deserve this ”

DOOR: Sounds like the parable about the banquet.

YACONELLI: Yeah, the people who ended up at the banquet were none of the people who were invited. They were all the whores, the drunks, and the losers and the homeless. So how in the world can anybody feel arrogance whatsoever? There is no homogenous group. What ought to characterize the church is unpredictability. You just never know where God's gonna show up and how He’s gonna look in that particular congregation.

So gratitude, unpredictability, and the third thing is a sense of adventure and risk.

People are willing to take risks and take chances and go outside the lines and are willing not only to do that themselves but accommodate other people who do that as well.

DOOR: What does somebody do on a practical level when there is no community like that in their area?

YACONELLI: When I was younger I would have probably answered differently. But now that I’m older I would say, “Look, something is better than nothing. So what I have to do is find the best thing I can find. If I cant find a church that’s wild and crazy, maybe lean into one that’s full of gratitude. And I'll err on the side of that and sacrifice the other if I can at least find people who permeate the building with a sense of gratefulness and gratitude ” I think you have to be realistic and say, “I’ll take what I can get. I'll take the best I can find and go with that.” Then begin to live this thing yourself and maybe you'll be able to attract more and more people who will want to be with you or want lo make the larger body reflect what is going on in your own life.

DOOR: What about churches that seem to praise God on a very happy and superficial level?

YACONELLI: If I'm in a church that all they do is run around, hold hands and cry every Sunday and get all teary-eyed and happy and hug each other all the time, that would wear thin after a while because you have to talk about Lent and death and dying and suffering and complicated lives and tenaciousness and all of those things because that’s the whole gospel. The Bible talks about those things. You can’t just take one part of it and leave it there. You can write a book about one part of it, but you can’t live life on one part of it. So, if it’s too shallow, if being there week after week, rather than giving you a deeper sense of God's presence causes you to be irritated and frustrated and angry and beginning to realize that this is not what the gospel’ all about, that’s not being healthy for you. So you have to make a choice at that point.Either you’re gonna go nowhere or you're gonna try to find somewhere elsewhere they've got part of it right.

DOOR: Is there any danger though in the power of positive thinking such as theNorman Vincent Peale approach to Jesus?

YACONELLI: We need to be positive, that’s important — but it’s not the only thing we need to do. There are times when thinking positively is harmful and will get in the way and delude us, cause us to pretend and to hide behind our cheerleading rather than dealing with reality. So of course it’s dangerous. But anything in life is dangerous. Especially when its taken and isolated from every other truth and made to be the only truth.

DOOR: The Crouch crowd of Trinity Broadcasting Network claims to be spirit-filled How would you respond to that?

YACONELLI: Obviously, it would be very dangerous for me to read the motives or understand what’ really going on in people. I’m sure they believe they are spirit-filled I’m sure some of the people really are, whatever that means. What one has to do is go beyond that and say, “What’s really happening here? Are we just all getting together and feeling good ? Or is there something else going on?” And again, it’s too complicated to deal with in a couple of sentences. It’s great to have those moments where we sense a unity and one with the body of Christ, and we're all together and there are thousands of us in the building and we all feel, “Wow. We're part of something bigger than ourselves and part of this huge thing.” That’ great, its wonderful. But its also terrible if the only way we can understand God and relate to God is in huge meetings when we're all winning, when we're all on top, when we're all having victory because the call to discipleship is to feel that sense of trust in God and loyalty to him and being drawn and attracted to God even when I’m hanging on a cross and everybody has left me. Thats not easy to do. It’s not fun. All of our friends tend to abandon us when we're hanging on a cross. So it’s much more complicated than that. If we tend to simplify and make truth into something that we can completely and totally understand and control, we're on very dangerous ground.

DOOR: It seems sometimes that some of the people in the pews may be kind of sincere but there does seem to be kind of an emotional manipulation on the part of some of the leaders.

YACONELLI: I think any leader is in danger of being manipulating. That's why so many of them get into trouble and end up having sex or taking money or a combination of the two. Most leaders are so unbelievably, I call it, terminally insecure. They need people to respond to them and they need people to continually feed back to them that they're speaking for God and they're OK and that they're who they should be. Because they're so hungry, they don't really believe that they're acceptable. I know that very well, because I’ve been there. And I’m there all the time That terminal insecurity makes it easy for all of us who are in front of people to manipulate them and to get them all to agree with us and to follow us and look up to us and to worship us and then you’re in trouble.

DOOR: Do you feel that we're putting our religious leaders on too high a pedestal?

YACONNELI: The trouble is that we want to make our ministers into celebrities And the moment we do that we are contributing to their demise. And we are robbing the people of the significance of their own value Church is full of heroic people who are doing heroic things that no one ever hears about, whether it be taking care of the mother who has Alzheimer’s or the wife who has Alzheimer’s they daily without telling anybody — just live with the pain of that day by day by day. We don’t hear anything about them All we do is come to church and hear about the dazzling exploits of the pastor. That's dangerous. And to the extent that happens with Benny Hinn or Mike Yaconelli or anybody else, thats when you get into trouble. That's why we have the church, so we don’t allow that to happen.

DOOR: Why does the religious right give you the willies?

YACONELLI: The religious right frighten me because they are so damn arrogant. Somehow they believe that they are immune from being corrupted. They are immune from the power of power.

DOOR: So, they've kind of ignored what happened to them in the ’80s with folks like Tilton, Swaggart and Bakker?

YACONELU: Sure! They always think they're the exception. That they're gonna overcome this. They don't believe Jesus when he said, “The road to the kingdom of God is powerlessness ” The moment you start opting to play with Caesar, you've just gotten in bed with him, you're gonna be infected, you're gonna be in trouble. We tend to want to believe in people when it’s in our best interest to do so and that’s just human nature. The trouble is, when these Christians decide that they’re going to opt for power as a way of combating their fear of what's happening in our culture, they're gonna be contaminated and they're gonna be destroyed by it. It’s very clear in the Bible that when you and I opt for power, we’re gonna be corrupted.

DOOR: How do strangers react when you tell them you're a pastor? How do you break that stereotype?

YACONELLI: For one thing that’s why our church is the slowest-growing church in America. We’ve been there for 11 years and we have about 35 people and that’s about all we have. They’re disappointed. They want their pastor to be dazzling. They want him to be somebody that they can look up to and admire, and all that kind of stuff. I hope that I’m not somebody that they look down to. I hope I’m just an ordinary guy trying to follow Jesus just like them. It so happens that I can talk a lot. I do know that when visitors come to our church, they don't come back.

DOOR: How come?

YACONELLI: They're either turned off by the kind of people we have, or what happens in the service, because you never know what’s gonna happen. One lady in our church had forgotten that she was reading the scripture so there was a silence after the pastoral prayer before she was to read and suddenly she looked up because I was looking daggers to her trying to get her attention and she realized that she’d forgotten to read the scripture and she just blurted out loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, “Sh*t!” Well, that’s it. There’s no visitors coming back In our church, she’s safe to do that. We all understood that was an accident, that she didn’t mean to say that, it just slipped out. And she’s safe to make a mistake, even in church. But that wipes out your visitors, they’re gone. Then people leave because they hear that I'm not a real pastor, that 'm a K-Mart pastor,

DOOR: Why do you call yourself a K-Mart pastor?

YACONELLI: Because I have no credentials. My credentials are my calling, the fact that I struggled with the church for years and years and years, all the way back into the 60s. And it was as though, in fact God didn’t say it, a number of people said it to me, “Well, if you think that the church is all screwed up and you're cynical about it, then why don’t you do it the way you think it ought to be done?” Which is, the church shouldn't own any buildings and the minister shouldn't be paid, etc, etc. So I did. I decided OK.

DOOR: Didn't you get ordained by the Seventh Day Adventists, though?

YACONELLI: I was invited to speak for a group of Seventh Day Adventist ministers. I've been asked to speak to a number of their things for years I just talk about Jesus the way I always do and they love it. I may not hang around a rough crowd of Adventists, but it’s been great. So I was invited to speak at the pastors’ conference, 150 ministers in Oregon, and you know they’re very legalistic.

DOOR: Uh-huh.

YACONELLI: I was there to speak to these ministers about youth work but I realized right away as I started talking, they don’t need to hear about youth work, they need to hear about the pastor because they were all hurting like crazy. And I talked about the struggles of being a minister. When I was done, I went to leave, I had a plane to catch. They said, “Wait a minute. We want to give you something. We’ve been on the phone all afternoon. We've made some phone calls, we've gotten together. We're tired of hearing you call yourself a K-Mart pastor. We want to ordain you. We've never done this in the history of our church, we don’t know anybody that’s ever done this, but we want to do this. We feel led to do it.” And 150 ministers got up and laid hands on me and ordained me into the Seventh Day Adventist Church.

DOOR: So do you consider yourself a Seventh Day Adventist pastor now?

YACONELLI: No, I don’t. But I went back to my church and I said, “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is I’m ordained, the bad news is we're meeting on Saturdays.” We don’t. We meet on Sunday still, and I’m not a Seventh Day Adventist, but I thought what an act of grace from people who are supposed to be legalists. I really believe that God has called me to be a pastor. I don’t have all the formal stuff that everybody has, but I really feel that this is where I belong.

DOOR: Are there any other current projects or future projects you care to mention?

YACONELLI: I have a couple books that I want to write. One of them is a book called The Next Day, that would have to do with what happened the next day after the leper was cured of his leprosy, what happened the next day when he went to see his family who had abandoned him? His dad who wouldn't speak to him, what went on then? What about the adulterer that was let go by Jesus after everybody was going to stone her?

What happened to her when nobody called her a whore the next day? I just want to talk about how, the day of healing, the day of clarification, the day of understanding something, can turn into another day. It can be sabotaged by people and I want to talk about that.

DOOR: Like the guy, who gets cured of his alcoholism or stops doing drugs, does the family take him back in?

YACONELLI: They're terribly threatened by his being healed and cured and eventual ly, without even realizing it, they all kind of push him back into getting drunk again because now they can all go back and play the roles that they were used to.

Yeah, sabotage is a very powerful thing.

DOOR: Finally, what would you say to someone who has been damaged by the church?

YACONELLI: At some point or another, I have to let go even of that and begin to say, “I am broken I am hurt, and I am damaged. But now it’s time to move on. I want to meet the real Jesus.