Your Guide to Contemporary Christian Music

06/19/2008



By Dale Peterson

Thank you for choosing to worship with us today. If you are from a church that uses traditional hymns, you may be confused. Please take a moment to read through this guide to contemporary Christian music.

In our church you will not hear "How Great Thou Art," "Wonderful Grace of Jesus," or "Like a River Glorious." (Generally, hymns that have words like “Thou” are not used. They are too archaic and are normally replaced by words like “awesome” and “miry clay”). Yes, okay, we may do "Amazing Grace" or "Peace Like a River" at some point, but as a general rule we avoid songs with too many different verses or those that can't be played easily on guitar and drums.

If you are new to worship here, you may wish to know the reasons for this. One is that deep theological concepts do not belong in contemporary Christian worship. We frown on songs that change more than one or two words for each verse. For example, our version of "Holy is the Lord" consists of repeating that phrase six times per verse and then changing "Holy" to "Worthy," "Mighty," "Jesus" and finally changing "the" to "my." Isn’t that much simpler to sing and easier to remember? The twin goals here are a) repetition and b) chanting quality. We don’t focus on what we’re singing, but how we’re singing it. The main thing is to get that kind of tingly, "olive oily" feeling. Don't worry if you don't get this right away. It will come as you learn to disengage your intellect. Just free yourself. Immerse yourself. Relax.

Christian music guide

Nevertheless, a traditional hymn may sometimes be used. For example, we’re not averse to "Holy, Holy, Holy." You may be tempted to sing this as you would have in your former church, but please note that it is sung here with changes, mainly the fact that we repeat it several times and try to sing as slowly as possible, thereby emphasizing the funereal nature of the verse.

Repetition is very important in contemporary Christian music. We repeat: Repetition is very important in contemporary Christian music. Just because a song may have one verse and one chorus does not mean that you only sing it through once. Old hymns have several verses, each of which introduces a new theological concept, and are meant to be sung once followed by "Amen." This is no longer how it’s done. The correct procedure is to sing the identical verse and chorus at least three times. Often it is preferable to repeat the verse two times initially before moving on to the chorus.

Also the worship leader may want to repeat a verse or chorus found in the middle of the song. This is signaled by “calling an audible." When this occurs, the worship leader will say the first few words of the verse or chorus he will be singing next. Sometimes, due to the similarity of the verses, this may be confusing and the overhead projector may flash several pages of text until the correct one is arrived at. Don't panic, this is normal. Just continue singing as though you know the words and soon either the correct slide will appear or a new chorus will begin.

After the verse and chorus are sung at least three times, it is permissible for the song to end. However, the chorus must first be repeated in its entirety, then the last paragraph, then the last line. When singing the last line it is important to slow down a little and look upward. Raising a hand is permissible and often done at this time. This may take a little getting used to but don't worry, if you just join in, in a short time you won't even notice and soon you will forget that you ever did it any other way.

We are just really glad you chose to share the worship experience with us today. Thank you and we hope to see you again soon.

Thank you and we hope to see you again soon. Thank you. Thank.


Comments(282)

Lilly | 11:06 am on 6/21/2008

I just got out of the Gadarine Cemetery.
I found out that I am allergic to pork.
I am so glad that the DOOR is Kosher.

UNCLE KENNY | 10:42 am on 6/21/2008

Lilly,

I suppose my new calling could be to help you with your grammar and spelling. After we tackle that, we could spend some time working on your manners.

Just a thought. . .

Discerner 24/7 | 12:13 pm on 6/19/2008

Amen Dale! Thats how "Word Of Faith" churches do it. Sing the same verses over and over for at least an hour! The "WOF" churches have a reason for doing this. They think if you sing long enough,loud enough,and intensely enough,God gets "impressed" and manifests His presence! Of course their reasoning is nonsense! A lot of contemporary songs are the "Jesus is my boyfriend" type garbage. Their are some good ones don't get me wrong. But most are as theologically deep as a mud puddle!

Andy | 01:07 pm on 6/19/2008

Amen indeed, Dale! Good stuff! Very, very funny! My dad refers to contemporary "praise and worship" songs as "7-11 choruses"--the same 7 words repeated 11 times. ("I could sing of Your love forever..."--perfect example) I agree, budda, that they're fun to play on guitar because they're relatively easy. The traditional hymns change chords too doggone much! Actually, I like some of the contemporary stuff, and there are a few traditional hymns I don't like.

I remember about 25 years ago, even before the "praise and worship" choruses got so popular, being in a Christian bookstore, looking for background tapes for traditional hymns. The girl working there, a girl who had grown up in church and was about 18 years old, didn't know what a hymn was. Honest-to-God! And there is now a whole generation of Christians growing up not knowing what a hymn is. That, to me, is a terrible shame!

Discerner 24/7 | 02:50 pm on 6/19/2008

7-11 now thats funny. Funny but true! Shout To The Lord is another song we used to sing over and over and over and over,well 'nuff said!

smg45acp | 01:33 pm on 6/19/2008

20 years ago I joked that the worship leader wrote the songs right before going on stage.
All he had to do was close his eyes. Flip open a bible and point his finger anywhere on the open page.
What ever words were at his finger tip were the next worship song by just repeating them over and over again twenty times.
Try yourself. You might be the next big musical sensation.

VenerableBean | 07:54 pm on 5/13/2009

Christian churches used to have altars and baptismal fonts, lecterns, and pulpits. (Sacraments, scripture, and preaching). Now they have STAGES. Need i say more?

Anonymous | 04:22 am on 4/03/2010

"THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!!" ("There's a sermon in there somewhere!")

PERHAPS ONE OF THE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS IS THAT WORSHIP HAS NOT BEEN DEFINED (THOUGH VOLUMES AND VOLUMES HAVE BEEN WRITTEN ON "WORSHIP."), STUDIED AND DISCUSSED AMONG PARISHIONERS/MINISTERS/ORGANISTS/CHOIR DIRECTORS. Having served on Worship Committees and Music Committees and worked on the staff of a very large PCUSA church, I found that our parishioners know very little about worship, both historically and theologically. They have little knowledge of the heritage of worship, thus ignoring the past and grasping only at the "trend of the day" - the "special" offered to them. In cases of large churches, it is not enough to have "one of each" - traditional and alternative (or whatever!). A church may end up with 3, 4, 5 or even 6 types of worship services! Commonly referred to as "cafeteria worship."

I HAVE read recently that there are people in their 30's and 40's, etc. who are searching for worship with DEPTH, AWE, WONDER, BEAUTY, (READ ISAIAH 6) WHEN THEY PASS THROUGH THE DOORS INTO THE SANCTUARY (NOT AUDITORIUM) OF THEIR CHURCH. THESE ELEMENTS OF WORSHIP CAN "MOVE" ONE TO A GREAT DEPTH OF THE PRESENCE OF GOD IN OUR MIDST. AFTER ALL, WE ARE THE BODY OF CHRIST COMING TOGETHER TO WORSHIP OUR LORD! AND - BEING SENT TO SERVE CHRIST IN THE WORLD.!

Raffi Shahinian | 03:00 pm on 6/19/2008

Off topic, I know. But to all N.T. Wright fans, big T.V. appearance tonight, 11:30 ET / 10:30 CT.

Should be interesting. Thought you might wanna know.

Grace and Peace,
Raffi Shahinian
Parables of a Prodigal World

JoshH | 02:03 pm on 6/20/2008

*growl* I missed it. Now I'm gonna have to fight to catch the re-run of that episode.

JoshH | 02:04 pm on 6/20/2008

Nevermind...I just found a link to the interview, hopefully my computer doesn't choke bandwidth-wise.

Robert Winkler Burke | 03:19 pm on 6/19/2008

Dale,

Great article, but we must not forget the number one praise requirement: To sing whispey-voiced. Simply, take your thumb and forefinger, and pinch your nose. Then sing softly, in a whisper, at a pitch above comfort.

There you are! A modern praise star! You will sound very creepy and fit right in!

Just never, never be deep, like Johny Cash or Lorne Green or Tennessee Ernie Ford. It would blast out unaccustomed ears... and spirits. It would be too harsh for the dear mouth breathers.

As the praise: light, whispy, damnable wrong; so the follows their doctrines: no wallops to stupified souls, nothing deep, nothing grounded, nothing truly close to, well, a powerful God.)

Whispy praise is God's cosmic joke. He makes it abundantly clear the worshippers demonstrate nothing so much but perfect gelding: Leave your balls at the door and sing like a teenage girl trying to sound like the latest trollup with a head-cold and pants two sizes too small.

It could only please a god whose only strength was a commandment that weakness be worshipped. Often the only strength found in such institutions of whispy spirit is their violent opposition against anything, well, strong. To them, nothing beats Whispy on High.

Repeat until all awareness of true insight of soul is put to sleep: "Nothing beats Whispey on High!" (A hundredrepeats should do it!) "Nothing beats Whispey on High!"

Good, the ushers are ready to pass the offering buckets... You will reach deep into your wallets and purses, contribute more than you should, and never recall -- even in moments of great insight -- that your good church praise service shoots out the lights of discernment in your souls with this worship-of-weakness-praise mantra malarkey, and creates gross darkness instead of light in the sheep who would otherwise rise up and say, "STOP THE SHENANIGANS, YOU WOLVES IN SHEEPS CLOTHING! WE NEED SINCERE INSIGHT AND TRUTH, NOT MANTRAS FOR OUR OWN STAGE HYPNOSIS!"

budda | 03:42 pm on 6/19/2008

wow.

Andy | 04:27 pm on 6/19/2008

budda, I'll see your "wow" and raise you an "oy ve"!

equa yona | 06:49 pm on 6/19/2008

Allow me to add 'uff da' and from Samoa 'oka,oka!'
It is always amazing to see/hear the bitterness and vitriol of "Christians" toward others of their ilk(geez I like that word-'ilk') who they feel are worshipping incorrectly. Honestly, I think the Quakers and the Buddhists get it the closest to right-shutup and listen!

budda | 08:12 pm on 6/19/2008

Ya, two points for me and Josh.

JoshH | 11:41 am on 6/25/2008

It goes well with my super-artsy britches and my shaggy, shaggy locks.
(ref. to "The George Fox Song" by Sydney Carter)

budda | 08:14 pm on 6/19/2008

Love your name, equa yona, it's even more fun to say than "ilk".

BJ | 07:23 am on 6/20/2008

Speaking of Big John Cash:
There's a place I know where the train goes slow Where the sinner can be washed in the blood of the lamb There's a river by the trestle down by sinner's grove Down where the willow and the dogwood grow

You can hear the whistle, you can hear the bell From the halls of heaven to the gates of hell And there's room for the forsaken if you're there on time You'll be washed of all your sins and all of your crimes If you're down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there where the train goes slow

There's a golden moon that shines up through the mist And I know that your name can be on that list There's no eye for an eye, there's no tooth for a tooth I saw Judas Iscariot carrying John Wilkes Booth He was down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train He was down there where the train goes slow

If you've lost all your hope, if you've lost all your faith I know you can be cared for and I know you can be safe And all the shamefuls and all of the whores And even the soldier who pierced the side of the Lord Is down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there where the train goes slow

Well, I've never asked forgiveness and I've never said a prayer Never given of myself, never truly cared I've left the ones who loved me and I'm still raising Cain I've taken the low road and if you've done the same Meet me down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there where the train goes slow

Meet me down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there by the train Down there where the train goes slow

JoshH | 06:48 pm on 6/19/2008

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of great songs that I grew up with which I still enjoy to sing...but I think my Pentecostal upbringing is part of the reason why I'm an unprogrammed Quaker now. Besides my swing toward a more theologically and socially liberal direction (like UUs and UCCers), I also like a bit of quiet in my time of retreat into worship. That's why I say that "I'm Quaker; we're like UCCers and UUs who know how to STFU."

Process Deist | 08:02 pm on 6/19/2008

Contemporary repetition?
Have you forgotten about Old Tyme Fundies, singing at least 30 verses to 'Just As I Am, Without One Plea'.
The Evanglelist stopping the Song Leader every five minutes to plead, threaten, cast fear and doubt into the assembled sinners.
Being held captive to a closing hymn that never ends, is not too different from being held captive to the new stuff.

VenerableBean | 08:14 pm on 5/13/2009

Just as I Am Without One Plea is hardly old. It was written in the mid 1800's. Evangelical American Christianity thinks of this as old. American Evangelicalism - always trying to reinvent Christian worship by aping popular culture to make it "relevant". There are 2000 years of Christian worship to look to. Christian worship from day one was centred around celebrating the Holy Communion - worship is an action, not an emotion, and still less just the singing part.

I fled this nonsense for Creedal Orthodoxy years ago. No more mindless praise diddies for me, thank you. Praise teams are for talentless hacks who need their 15 min of fame every Sunday and aren't talented enough to cut it anywhere else. Would anyone else tolerate such insipid noise anywhere else on the earth? I got to the point where I had to ask myself THIS is the best we can offer Our Lord? I think not...

The following songs of laud show proper honour to God. I'm wondering if people 17 centuries from now will be singing Our God is and Awesome God? What... no?

Victimae paschali laudes (Easter hymn c. 1030 AD)
Christians, to the Paschal victim
offer your thankful praises!

A lamb the sheep redeemeth:
Christ, who only is sinless,
reconcileth sinners to the Father.

Death and life have contended
in that combat stupendous:
the Prince of life, who died,
reigns immortal...

The Te Deum (4th Century)
We praise thee, O God
: we acknowledge thee to be the Lord.
All the earth doth worship thee
: the Father everlasting.
To thee all Angels cry aloud
: the Heavens, and all the Powers therein.
To thee Cherubim and Seraphim
: continually do cry,
Holy, Holy, Holy
: Lord God of Sabaoth;
Heaven and earth are full of the Majesty
: of thy glory.

The Gloria in excelsis Deo (Sung every Sunday since the 4th Century)
Glory be to God on high.
And in earth peace towards men of good will.
We praise thee.
We bless thee.
We worship thee.
We glorify thee.
We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.
O Lord God, heavenly King
God the Father almighty.
O Lord, the only-begotten Son Jesu Christ.
O Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father.
Thou that takest away the sins of the world, have mercy upon us.
Thou that takest away the sins of the world, receive our prayer.
Thou that sittest at the right of the Father, have mercy upon us.
For thou only art Holy. Thou only art the Lord. Thou only art the Most High.
Thou only, O Jesu Christ, with the Holy Ghost, art Most High in the glory of God the Father. Amen

missa | 09:52 pm on 6/19/2008

hmmm...I may be a bit odd, but I'm 20 years old and I know almost every song in our church's 600 page hymnal and I can play most of them on the PIANO. yes that's right! a good old-fashioned upright that is usually accompanies by the organ and a couple of brasswinds and occasionally a violin. And I love it! Most of my friends go to churches that sing the contemporary stuff and I enjoy it when I visit their worship services, but at the end of the day, I still love my hymns! I nearly cried when one of my friends didn't know the song "It is Well" in its entirety.
So yeah, there are still a few of us young uns who enjoy the old traditional hymns and love to be taught theological truths through music.

Andy | 12:36 pm on 6/24/2008

You might be pleased to know, missa, that accourding to a publication from the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America ("The Lutheran"? I'm not 100% sure--sorry) that came out about 3-4 years ago, a majority of ELCA Lutheran young people actually prefer traditional church music and hymnody to the new stuff. So, you're not alone, apparently. It's encouraging to me!

dr j | 04:28 am on 6/20/2008

You left out referring to the congregation as "church" (as in, "sing to the Lord, church" or "Worship, church") during the "praise" and of course, the goatee on at least one member of the praise band, the flannel shirts (or Hawaiian shirts when warm outside) worn outside of the stained or frayed jeans (or cargo shorts in the case of the tiki shirt). Then there is my favorite practice of late, the leader with the closed eyes and head tilted heavenward repeating during the instrumental section "we _______ you, Lord/Jesus" (fill in the blank with a verb from the repeated verse or chorus). And we must never forget to sing at least one Mercy Me song so that we can appear to be worshiping while repeating "me" or "I" at least a dozen times (at least the band's name indicates the focus of their music and truth in advertising).

Of course, there were hymns that we used to sing that have questionable theology (Onward Christian Soldiers immediately comes to mind). And at least we aren't singing premillennial anthems like we did during the Jesus Rev (not to take on one of the musical saints of the Door) in the '70's. Oh well, what's an aging JF to do? Better go back to my Gregorian chants now (John Michael Talbot did the right thing in the '80's , ya know). Or perhaps get my tickets for the Gaither Homecoming Alaskan cruise for a little back home worship on the inside passage.

SRebbe | 09:02 am on 6/20/2008

as one of 'those' musicians, I wholeheartedly agree with the above article. full of truth and fact. satire? I see no satire.

if no one has heard the 'cows' joke which compares hymns and praise choruses, you really must learn it. every time we get to one of those songs that drags on and on (be it a hymn with 150 choruses or a P&W song that fades out), I have a hard time not sniggering... heeeee... cows...

mikep345678 | 07:44 am on 6/25/2008

Ahh-- the "cows" joke:

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: "Martha, the cows are in the corn"' - well, that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Martha, Martha, Martha,
Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows
the white cows,
the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS
are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,
the CORN, CORN, CORN.'
Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was. "Well," said the young man, "it was good. They did something different however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." "Hymns?" asked his mother. "What are those?" "Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his mother. The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you:
'Martha, the cows are in the corn' - well, that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense
Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to the bright shining day by and by
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn
Where no vicious animals make my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'
Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.

Mr ageeable | 09:13 pm on 6/20/2008

I loved the column. You are right on the money. The older hymns were inspired by God and still carry that annointing. Look at the story behind "it is well with my soul" for example. I personally like a balance by singing some of the new praise and worship songs and a couple of hymns.
May God bless you and your ministry.

Anonymous | 09:29 pm on 6/20/2008

Loved it....right on!
So ture, so true!
Love you gays, glad to have found you agian after many years!
God bless...and keep us THINKING.

A Lovable gUy | 09:36 pm on 6/20/2008

Line three,
word three,
Check your spelling.

JoshH | 10:15 pm on 6/20/2008

Well, it's better than being like Benny Hinn, who's ghey.

Lilly | 01:08 pm on 6/21/2008

Yes! Hinn blows people in public.

SRebbe | 04:33 pm on 6/23/2008

yes, I've seen the footage and heard the confused confession.

UNCLE KENNY | 11:30 am on 6/21/2008

So let me get this straight. . .

The prevailing opinion here is that WORSHIP, is an intellectual experience that is more about the complexity of liturgical structure than the expression of the love that we have for God?

It seems like we have a pretty diverse crowd here, including a few musicians and worship leaders, but I don't see anyone talking about the beauty of singing a simple love song to God--you know that whole child-like approach.

For instance, this seems, for me anyway, to capture a worship experience that is intimate, technically well-crafted, and well, just plain fun:

http://summerofservice.com/videos.html

I like it, but maybe I am just a simpleton when it comes to worship.

Discerner 24/7 | 07:48 pm on 6/21/2008

Uncle Kenny I think we are close to the same age. I've done the traditional worship thing. I've also done the contemporary one too. I was in a Word Of Faith church for 20+ years. "WOF" churches have entertainment services. For you a worship service is supposed to be fun? That's the mentality of the American church. We need to be entertained and we have to base everything on "felt needs" and "mystical experiences." Biblical worship is highly regulated. It certainly isn't spontaneous! As I've said I've "been there,done that,got the T-shirt." In other words I've had my fill of the "spontaneous contemporary thing!" I know this site is supposed to be a satirical one. However this subject of how a church service should be conducted is a very serious matter!

UNCLE KENNY | 10:14 am on 6/22/2008

No, I didn't say the service "had to be fun." Did you watch the video, or just make a grand assumption? I meant it was fun to see over 800 kids spending the whole day as servants and then gathering back in the evening to simply worship God without pretense or concern for the technical aspect of music and lyrics.

Besides, just who are you guys trying to impress with this structure you esteem so highly? Not to open up a theological can or worms, but do you think God really cares how complex your liturgy is? Really? A few extra verses or a slightly more obtuse vocabulary is still tiddly-winks to the mind of God, so it seems this argument is pretty silly.

Anyway, I think what I am suggesting would make more sense if you follow the link and watch the video.

Other than that, I will be out showing kindness to strangers and then worshipping God with some of my mind-numbing favorites, while you guys can keep at the musical rocket science.

kmad | 04:59 pm on 11/17/2008

It's not the structure that is to be esteemed. It's the God the structure points to…

I know it's not a popular thought in this post-modern age, but we are whole beings commanded by Scripture to love God with the WHOLE self: Heart, Mind, Soul & Strength. Engaging the mind seems anathema these days. For those to whom the 'rocket science' is the point, they deserve your critique. But our hearts and minds are meant to be in unison in their praise to their Creator. Left and right brains all pointed at the same throne!

SRebbe | 04:35 pm on 6/23/2008

Discerner, there's a book out that you should check out:
I became a Christian and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

should be able to get it off Amazon.

Eric | 06:27 pm on 6/21/2008

I think the beginning of the endless praise song/chorus, vain repetition dates back to the Baptist church circa the late 1970's/early 1980's when the Choir Director (read: Worship Leader) would ask the organist/pianist to play that last verse of "Just As I Am" one more time (ad infinitum) because "Jesus is calling out to you...won't you listen and heed His call? He loves you and, as we sing this last verse of "Just As I Am" again, I'm asking you to heed God's tug on your heart. Don't let the Devil steal the seed that has been sown in you this morning. Margie...play it again as I feel there's one more out there who feels the pull of the Holy Spirit and is resisting. Let go and let God..."

(Dang...scary how I still remember that!!!)

Anyways...my 2 cents to the conversation.

Eric

Anonymous | 09:10 pm on 6/21/2008

I really can't believe this. I bet Deist a case of beer that everyone would get worked up over the missiles blowing Jesus out of the sky article. Nope, not one self-righteous word over there, while over here you are close to fist-a-cuffs about P&W v.'s Hymns. What is this, 1982? Sheesh, if you worship, hopefully you worship in Spirit and Truth. It's both. It is just a personal preference on which style, which part of God's infinatly multifaceted personality you feel more comfortable with.

It's not a moral issue. Do you like vanilla or chocolate? There are many, many different worship styles in as many different churches. Don't be so Americentric, African-American, Korean, Mexicans, Nicaraguans, Kenyans, Sudanese, Belgians, Russian Orthodox, Messianic Jews, Lutheran, etc.. all worship differently, not better or worse, just different with different music. Pick your own church accordingly, Kenny, Mr. Burke and Discerner.

Not better or worse, Kenny, Discerner and Mr. Burke, just different. What?, you think God only accepts worship the way you do it? Is one of you Able and everyone else Cain?

Give me liturgical hymns at Notre Dame's midnight mass at christmas. How Majestic, I love that.
Give me 2 hours of sanctified soul and fabulous funk at Kansas City Macedonian Methodist, God is groovin. I love that.

I think God accepts and appreciates all of it.

When my church hired cage dancers and put stripper poles on stage I was a little skeptical, but now I really get into it. Tithes and offerings are higher than ever, except it's all in $1's.

Discerner 24/7 | 01:42 pm on 6/22/2008

Hey thats funny Anonymous! Cage dancers and stripper poles! What no smoke making machines? No Starbucks in the church lobby? What kind of seeker sensitive church is that?

budda | 04:48 pm on 6/22/2008

Sorry, that was a budda comment.

Don't need a smoke machine, the P&W band has enough Camel Lights going after that first heathen praise and worship song to cover everything in a nice atmospheric fog. The Starbucks is old news but they finally got a new Starbucks in the mens restroom, now I'm never more than 12 steps away from the creamy goodness that is a frappacino.

SRebbe | 04:41 pm on 6/23/2008

oh, come-mmooonnn... at least tip the strippers with 5s to keep up with inflation.

our band stays away from the smokes [bad for singing voices] but do indulge from time to time in some special brownies to reach those heavenly heights.

after a while, you really can see the LRD seated on the throne. or is it the pastor in all his robed glory and some bad backlighting?.....

budda | 11:42 pm on 6/23/2008

I am so in the wrong band, SReeb. Is yours looking for a new member?

All kidding aside, if the congregations in America only knew what the their musicians did and the music they listened to, in their spare time... Or even right before they went on stage....

BJ | 06:42 am on 6/26/2008

5 bucks? You get the same show for a dollar. In fact you get the same show if you sit one row from the stage and don't tip at all.
Now your talking some spirit filled whorship.

budda | 11:56 am on 6/26/2008

Ya BJ, but if your one row back you don't get glitter on your face.

BJ | 01:03 pm on 6/26/2008

True, but you're still close enough to see that thang wink at you.

BJ | 01:07 pm on 6/26/2008

Actually I had a bad experience on the front row at a strip club in Nashville. I had picked this dancer out as my favorite so I moved to the stage when she would dance. At some point she thought taking my cap and doing unspeakable things with it would turn me on. It was my favorite Titleist hat. It took several washings before I wore it again.

budda | 01:38 pm on 6/26/2008

Ah, yes, the sweet smell of stripper. When handed a lollipop by a stripper, if you must accept it, do not put it in your mouth. Ever.

Anonymous | 12:47 am on 6/22/2008

SEX!

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