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DISCUSSYou May Have Missed the Rapture if...
03/04/2008By Joe Christian
While on vacation in Israel, you suddenly find yourself conscripted into the dark army of Apollyon.
After winning American Idol, a weeping Satan says, “It’s just nice to finally get some recognition.”
You wake up, go to church, have lunch with your cell group, and return home to find that your dog has disappeared but his bone collection is neatly arranged on the patio.
You attempt to call grandma from a payphone only to be instructed by the operator to insert 77,777 quarters for an “extra-galactic call.”
You use the number 666 to win the lottery and use the money to coax KISS out of retirement.
You Google the word “Christian” only to find all search results have disappeared.
You just spent your entire Friday night eating pizza and watching TBN’s latest Praise-a-Thon.
There’s a rush to pick up all the “free clothing in the streets.”
You now realize that Kirk Cameron really is the only person left who can save the world.
Every television channel airs live broadcasts of John Hagee explaining that you are now in the apocalypse.
Is this a pre, mid, or post rapture?
Is all that 'free clothing in the streets' neatly folded like in that movie?
Who would even want their clothing? I don't think even the homeless would want it. Rapture believers all dress in surfer shorts, flip-flops and T-shirts with cheesy Christian messages on them. Who else would want to dress like that?
Brother...don't you know those blue haired pentecostal women are going to be raptured out of those cadillacs 'like popcorn jumping out of a skillet'.
I'm not going out in the street looking free clothing....I'm going for a new car.
Yeah, I sometimes see cars with bumper stickers "In the event of the Rapture, this car is yours." Now if I could only get behind a Corvette with one of those stickers and time it just right.
You shall know them by their bumper stickers.
Sister Lilly always has one that says "Speed on Brother, Hell Ain't Half Full".
To observe the very real gullibility of rapture believing Christians, consider a website called www.postrapturepost.com. When rapture sheep are fleeced it is expected to be politely covert and not openly overt. This rapture website was created by two self-confessed atheists who need to support their “sinful lifestyles.” They decided to offer a service of delivering messages after the so-called rapture. For $4.99 to $799.99 a person’s message can be delivered by these “rapture proof” atheists to loved ones who don’t believe in the so-called rapture. As one person writes in the website’s Guest Book: “I hope you are making LOTS of money. It just warms my heart to think about (it.) Just remember, (rapture believers) are not all there upstairs, so it’s not fair to take TOO much advantage of them.” Tell that to televangelists.
Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins have just met with their lawyers...they'll be in touch.
Why don't you ask Hagee Joe? He seems to have figured it out! NOT!!
Darn it! Y'all! I have a cold and all that laughing is making me cough. Hack..hack...hack!
You May Have Missed the Rapture if...
Its just you and John Hagee left
The rapture was made up by a 15 year old Scotish girl in the 1840s.
I am guess most of you guys that say there is no rapture also say God is done with Israel, as I know you fail to read Roman 11. That is pretty common with most no rapture folks.
How does Romans 11 relate to the rapture? And when have people who say there is no rapture say that God is done with Israel? This is the first time I have heard that accusation.
And I know Romans 11 fits into the scheme of some ideas of what happens after the rapture just wondering if there is any conection with the whole beam me up part.
He's done with them. He has already fried that egg three times and it not right. Give it up. He's gonna move on to some other people.
I do not understand your reply to my questions. Do I need to consult Hal Lindsey to figure this one out?
define Israel
According to the Apostle Paul, who knew about this stuff, anyone who is a believer is a child of Abraham, hence in today's dispensation Israel is the Church. That is, unless you want to debate Paul...
Debate Paul????
Are you new here?
We often tell Paul to set down and shut up.
We all contend that we know more than Paul.
#@^%New blogger!
Read us before you join us!!!!!
PD, I appreciate you; you know that. But I don't debate with Paul. Are you forgetting there are inerrant-scripture-types like me who frequent this site? I'm hurt, I'm crushed, I'm going into my shame closet to cry.
I am sorry Calvinist. My far left, rebellious, knee-jerk reaction was a bit over the top.
Now...through those bibles away. God does not live in there.
He's bigger than that.
How about if i sub the word THROW for through.
Who says we don't believe in the rapture?
But why not laugh at people who spend their time worrying about when it will happen instead of doing the Lord's work until it does?
You take a helicopter flight, look down, and see all the people in the Stan republics and Persia (Iran) on the East and the Egyptians, et al. on the West advancing on Israel.
Will you be able to see the giant arrows, like the maps always show?
Child; you scare me. Are you talking about BlackHawk helicopters.
There are a group called Preterists who believe the rapture occurred between 66-70A.D.
There is also this CATHOLIC" sight on the rapture issue:
http://www.catholic.com/library/Rapture.asp
I would be so tempted to pull out a huge boombox, play the theme from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" full blast, and find tumbleweeds to roll down a deserted street.
And Tim LaHaye, I am ashamed to admit, was pastor at my home church back in the 50's. It was his first church where he first decided that he was really, really into that whole rapture thing. He was at my church for 6 years before moving to Cali and then deciding to move up in the world to become a "prophecy teacher". But he is a great source of material.
As the late Dr. Walter Martin used to say...
"Pray for Pre...prepare for Post!"
I'm pretty much a pan-millenialist these days...I'm pretty sure it will pan out in the end...
Eric
1. Someone tries to trade you a piece of breath for a bag of gold.
2. Oprah does a special on "Survivors of Vicious half-lion half scorpion attacks."
3. All the fans in Cincinatti's Paul Brown Stadium vanish during a Bengals game.
- Sidenote: It has come to my attention through another reader that this occurs fairly commonly. Please ignore it as a potential rapture sign.
4. Fox News reports an unusual amount of cases in which two men were walking up a hill, one disappears, and one is left standing still. "Those Left Standing" becomes an immediately popular grief counseling support group ministry.
5. Guillotine sales begin to skyrocket.
6. Houses becomes affordable, due to the number of now empty abodes. Many, however, are damaged by water left running and unattended vehicle damage.
7. U2 finally has reason to split up.
8. An unusual number of professors with wall sized timelines begin to come out of the woodwork.
9. You walk out of your backdoor and think "This looks like 'Children of Men.'"
10. New national census questions include items such as "Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons or Mortal Kombat" and contain a margin of error equal to (+ or - 140,000).
I often worry about this when I can't find my wife in the grocery store.
What is the difference between true spiritual religion and superstition?? My prayer is " May GOD have mercy on us all."
Religion wins the war.
Superstiton wins the lottery.
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