WHEN EVANGELICALS DREAM:

07/08/2008


WHAT WE WOULD SEE IF AMERICA TRULY BECAME ONE CHRISTIAN NATION UNDER GOD

By Jamie Crossan

  • Prisons would be renamed "Love the Sinner Hate the Sin Tough Love™ Community Intervention Centers."
  • Coveting your neighbor’s ass would be a capital offense.
  • The Bible Belt would be replaced by The God Delusion Neck-tie.
  • Taco Bell would be renamed The Rob Bell All-Food-Is-Spiritual-Ethno-Dining Experience (after first being called Rob Bell’s Everything Is Velvet Sex-Mex for, oh, about two days).
  • “Thou shalt make war” would be enshrined as the 11th commandment.
  • Rick Warren would be elected President for Life, after Jesus declines the offer.
  • Billy Graham's face would be carved into Mount Rushmore.
  • The message on the Statue of Liberty--Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free--would be replaced with "God helps those who help themselves."
  • The Washington Monument would be demolished, due to its resemblance to a giant . . . well, you know.
  • McDonald's, Oprah Winfrey and the state of Michigan would become wholly owned subsidiaries of Zondervan.
  • There would be liberty and justice for all. Except atheists, socialists, pro-choicers, gays, New-Agers, Marilyn Manson, Mexicans, and possibly the Mormons.
  • The Constitution would be replaced with The Purpose Driven Life.
  • The capital would be moved to Lynchburg, Virginia.
  • The U.S. would take a more active part in bringing on the Rapture by nuking Mecca.
  • Benny Hinn would be named Secretary of Health, Bob Tilton Secretary of the Treasury, Dr. Creflo A. Dollar the Surgeon General, and James Dobson the head of the Environmental Protection Agency.
  • The Pledge of Allegiance would be replaced with the sinner's prayer.
  • The word of knowledge would become the CIA's primary weapon in the War on Terror, as water-boarding is replaced with 24-hour exposure to TBN.


Comments(106)

Bill | 08:37 am on 7/09/2008

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Your worst effort to date. Please stop cribbing from the DailyKos.

Anonymous | 01:01 am on 7/10/2008

Yo Bill .. Fuck Off.

TheDonQuixotic | 01:28 am on 7/16/2008

The internetz haz landed.

Seriously man. What crap is that? A little christian love?

SRebbe | 01:44 pm on 7/29/2008

perhaps Evangelical Conservatives... I go to church with these people. hey, I got it. this is what happens when I'm out of town?

Anonymous | 10:26 am on 10/12/2009

Dident they do this in Escape from L.A. ?

Process Deist | 10:08 am on 7/09/2008

I like it.
It's funny.
Satire sometimes forces people to look in the mirror.

Bill | 10:33 am on 7/09/2008

This isn't satire. Satire is a cleverly composed scenario which echoes a well-known condition by bringing out its most outrageous traits. The article on modern Christian music is an example of satire. This is just perfumed flatulence.

lars | 11:48 am on 7/09/2008

with you on this one!

that calvinist doug | 12:56 pm on 7/09/2008

Bill, while I won't be so adamant in my evaluation, I will admit that generally this sort of thing should make me laugh...or at least smile really hard. This did neither. However, as my attorney would want me to quickly point out, this observation in no way should be construed as a condemnation on the person, character, or talent of the writer.

Andy | 03:55 pm on 7/10/2008

I'm more with you on this one, Doug. Satire? Yea, I guess. Just not all that well-written. Didn't work for me.

The Enemy Below | 03:10 pm on 7/10/2008

as the Late Peter Boyle's"Frank Barone"Character Used To Say on"Everybody Loves Raymond":"Oh Boo Hoo Hoo!!!Get Off Your Pity Pot Nancy!!Just Pull Up Your Panties and Deal With It Like A Man!!".

Like a lot of non or Semi Evangelical Protestants,I tend to beleive that the Evangelicals have forgotten that Evangalize means to Preach the Gospel of Christ,not Politicize the Gospel of Christ!!!

60635 | 04:50 pm on 7/10/2008

You're completely right here, Enemy. Although "saying" that in a public forum may (in a very tongue-in-cheek sort of way) just have cost you any chances you have of surviving the purge.

Anonymous | 04:46 pm on 6/02/2009

Yeah...but sometimes perfumed flatulence is kinda funny.

Ok...so maybe they could have done better.

Kyle | 11:02 am on 7/09/2008

I thought it was pretty funny, myself.

The Rob | 12:55 pm on 7/09/2008

Bill and lars- you take yourselves way too seriously. I thought it was funny because there is a hint of truth to it. Bill you are uninformed about the definition of satire. Here is the definition for your further use:

satire:
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

It is satire, it may hit too close to home for you, but it is still satire. Perfumed flatulence... I have never read about that technique in any English class I've ever taken.

Bill | 01:07 pm on 7/09/2008

The Rob,

Sorry you need a dictionary to reference the obvious. If you would read the article again carefully, you'll see that it didn't meet the criteria you stated.

Also, the article didn't hit home to me because I'm not an Evangelical; I'm just a Christian with literary taste. I love most of the stuff on this site, but this fell short of funny or enlightening. Hell, David Letterman's lists are better than this. In fact, that's how this article reads: a cheap knock-off of Letterman.

The Rob | 02:52 pm on 7/09/2008

Well if you are unable to see it, then I cannot show it to you. If only I could use puppets or a diagram to help you.

Since you clearly have the superior intellect and are the self-appointed definer of words such as satire, perhaps you can attempt to write articles for The Door. I am sure those would be quite hilarious with your quick wit and extensive literary taste. I would love to read more about perfumed flatulence.

Bill | 06:37 pm on 7/09/2008

**snarf**

Anonymous | 01:02 am on 7/10/2008

Your a cheap knock-off of a douchebag, Bill.

Anonymous | 01:05 am on 7/10/2008

Correction .. "you're too"

I thought I would correct myself - before you had the chance to sound like a snobby douchebag again.

emergent pillage | 01:34 pm on 7/09/2008

Very few of the things in the list are true; thus, they do not even work as far as satire or sarcasm go. It's simply designed to spread the myth that Evangelical and conservative Christians are hate-filled war-mongering WOF sheep.

I'll join Bill, and give a nice big uvula-showing "yawn".

budda | 11:01 pm on 7/09/2008

WHAT!?! you mean Evangelical and conservative Christians ARN"T hate-filled war-mongering WOF sheep? Where did you read that?

60613 | 04:53 pm on 7/10/2008

"Very few things in the list are true..."
And thank God for that!

Discerner 24/7 | 01:43 pm on 7/09/2008

Kenny Copeland could be head of the FAA! No wait! The head of the IRS so he can stop investigating his own "ministry." As far as Crossan's satire goes,this one is pretty lame!

Lilly | 01:55 pm on 7/09/2008

Dear Lars and Bill.
Since the customer is always right; you may claim a refund.
Take $2.00 out of the Offering Plate this Sunday.
If anyone tries to stop you, tell them I said it was OK.

Bill | 03:07 pm on 7/09/2008

2 bucks, that's it???

Oh well, the poor widow would understand. I appreciate your generosity, Lilly.
How 'bout I give a little more as an incentive to hire new writers?

SRebbe | 12:54 pm on 7/24/2008

I think 2 bucks is fair, considering the tithe stance. a 'tithe' goes in, a 'tithe' comes out.

Brian | 11:52 pm on 9/09/2009

It doesn't go to the poor widow, it's the preacher's filthy lucre. (See 1 Peter 5:2 King James Version)

UNCLE KENNY | 07:40 pm on 7/09/2008

::YAWN::

I don't know which is more boring: the silly attempt at satire, or the intellectual ping-pong match that started over this goofy piece.

Well, "The Door" can't be great every week.

Crash | 12:20 am on 8/16/2008

::Woot Woot::
and a big fat Amen, Uncle O' Mine.
Bill, don't you have other forums to troll? I'm outa here, and you should find something else to do too.

JoshH | 10:05 pm on 7/09/2008

Yeah.
I only really found that last one funny.

Anonymous | 01:13 am on 7/10/2008

How many pretentious,snooty fucks post on this site?

Was it "Eat A Bowl Of Shit Then Post Day" ?

..please don't respond with - "I know you are but what am I".

thanks

Anonymous | 08:44 am on 7/10/2008

I know you are, but what am I?

Anonymous | 08:10 pm on 7/10/2008

Bang. Zoom.
To the moon, Alice.

BJ | 01:55 pm on 7/17/2008

I think you're the only one.

Jimsdun | 01:51 am on 7/10/2008

Bill, Lighten up and get a life. Don't you know satire when you see it? Some of it is over the top, but as a recovering evangelical, I enjoyed the satire.

Mimo | 10:08 am on 7/10/2008

i am sad to see so many people arguing about a simple post that is meant for humor... we all know that christianity has an ugly past, and that is because it has been hopelessly involved with people: imperfect, finite beings. all we can do now is admit our wrongs and our quirks and own up to our embarrassing family members and move on.

please stop wasting your time fighting and back-biting about this ridiculous blog and go do something selfless for someone.

let us wrap our arms around the tattered non-believer and opinionated, argumentative believer alike. we all need grace.

budda | 12:31 pm on 7/10/2008

What you have here, Mimo, is the sound of iron sharpening iron.

It aint pretty sometimes, or clever, witty or rational, but it is wonderful in it's own messy way. This is the only site I have found that you can say what you've been thinking in church but were never free to admit. Sure, your gonna get flamed for it sometimes, but usually someone's comments make you think it through a little more, a little better.

I have found that while most of the people here get the humor and intent of the articles (not everyone though) some have a harder time with the comments. I love them. This site would only be a shell of it's current self without them. Even if I couldn't comment myself I would read others with delight. Even a grumpy, old curmudgeon like Uncle Kenny is funny and true once in a while.

Appreciate that the people here, even those who are hurt and crippled by the church, care deeply and profoundly about their faith and won't sit back and ignore the inconsistencies, problems and general goofiness in Christendom. As funny and awesome as John Stewart is, I would rather have it done by us, for us.

"Let us wrap our arms around the tattered non-believer and opinionated, argumentative believer alike." -Amen, I don't know, but that probably covers 99% of the people here.

that calvinist doug | 02:21 pm on 7/10/2008

SHUT THE HELL UP, BUDDA! I HATE THE COMMENTS SECTION AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO LEAVE COMMENTS...including myself...can I have a hug?

XOXOXO

Dougie Poo

budda | 05:26 pm on 7/10/2008

OK, OK DOUG, I'LL SHUT UP NOW, but along with the hug, let me give you the number of a really good therapist I know in your area. There is help for your condition.

The Rob | 02:49 pm on 7/10/2008

I agree with you completely. I always read the comments and enjoy all perspectives. I typically appreciate and enjoy the ones with which I disagree the most. It is important to have dialogue which can often turn into petty, pseudo intellectual rants (yes, I fully recognize that I should be lumped into that category this time). We could all agree with one another, but where would we benefit both spiritually and intellectually?

JoshH | 03:01 pm on 7/10/2008

It's also got a touch of "amateur hour" associated with it. It's fun to throw things at people whose writing sucks from time to time. God knows people think that about the stuff I write.

SRebbe | 12:56 pm on 7/24/2008

or just wonder wtf?
man, it's good to be back. now to plan the next trip south...

60613 | 04:55 pm on 7/10/2008

Mimo - yours is perhaps the most sane and sincere posting I've ever seen on this site. Thanks for posting.

Anonymous | 08:06 pm on 7/10/2008

We're not fighting.

..we are just pointing out the truth.

JoshH | 06:22 pm on 7/10/2008

I have one question that never gets answered. Jamie, are you any relation to John Dominic Crossan?

mountainguy | 08:42 pm on 7/10/2008

Some statements were fun... and also true. Satire is a funny way to find out the paradoxical nature of this world.

"Rick Warren would be elected President for Life, after Jesus declines the offer." This statement says too much about the politics of Jesus. (I haven't read the book by J. Yoder)

pigseye | 08:19 am on 7/11/2008

I think first we to form a committee. I think Copeland should head that up. I'd like to see Bishop tutu, Jessie Duplantis, Pat Robertson, and other spiritual heavyweights on it. We need political consensus so we can clean up the world so Christ can return. The only way we can achieve this is in the political arena. I'd like to see Christian only bathrooms and steak houses. A new 1000 foot tall statue of Jesus at TBN land (formerly Tammy-land. I think the new and fresh Jim baker could be
lined up along with the former head of the Evangelical Association Mr. Haggard now that he is back on board. After all he never did any of the drugs he bought for personal use from his homosexual lover. We could use them as consultants. Creflo and Taffi could offer advise on raising the needed funds. If we can get this off the ground I think maybe we can postpone the apocalypse indefinately. And more importantly gain back control of the glorious GOP.

Anonymous | 10:33 am on 7/11/2008

Witch trials!!!

Prophet Lopi | 12:27 pm on 7/11/2008

The Wordsmiths of the Wittenburg Door would be the new Media Elites replacing the Nothing but Crap Network NBC, Continual Bull Shit Network CBS. Always Bull Shit Network ABC and Forever Over the X factor Network FOX.
Then we the Reading Rabble would rise up and take over the means of The Total Reduction of Reason

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