Victorious Secret: Lingerie for Overcomers

By Skippy R. | 08/29/2008


Victorious Secret bills itself as "The Lingerie Line for the Overcoming Woman"

And it is the "premier and dominant" producer of Christian-themed apparel in America, and maybe in the universe, according to the company's innovative founder, Veronique Wisteria.

Famous for her eccentric ways and romanesque figure, Veronique started the company as a mail-order operation in her laundry room. Now it has more than 400 employees at its headquarters in Kansas City, Mo., and a 70,000 square-foot warehouse in Orange County, Calif., that handles more than 800,000 orders a year.

But achieving that goal was difficult--about as difficult as slipping into one of the company's signature leather halter tops.

"We call this the 'Yokefellow,'" she explained, twirling around 360 degrees as I leaned back in my chair, both repelled and strangely excited.

It was, well...kinky. I was interviewing her for Christian Retailing and Inspirational Faithwear Magazine, but this was a challenge perhaps above my pay grade.

Ms. Wisteria was modeling this bold, skimpy design for me in her expansive and well appointed office in Kansas City. But the room now suddenly grew stuffy and claustrophobic, thick with the heaviness of desire. "You might think it's inspired by some kind of 'S&M' hanky-panky, but really it's patterned after garments that were worn by Middle Eastern goat herders during late antiquity. Surprised?"

victorious cover

As she leaned over me -- a little too close--to see what I was writing, I noticed the buckles and zippers were molded with the same metallurgy process used in the forges of Anatolia, circa 1200 BCE.

A bead of sweat formed on the tip of my nose.

"Isn't that design on the buttons a Coptic emblem from the early church in Alexandria?" I blurted out, shifting my chair away from her hot breath on my neck. "That's, uh, really a nice historical touch."

"Yes, thank you," she said coldly, sensing my hesitation, and moving back behind her desk.

She stared out the window and sighed, tapping her riding crop deliberately on the window sill. Was she pouting? I can never tell. Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em...

Ms. Wisteria, who holds a degree in early Christian fabric and drapery design from Emory University's Candler School of Theology, worked as a model during her student days, and she came to a conclusion: Christian women needed a lingerie line that would let them look sexy but still retain that sense of modesty required for bedtime prayers and morning quiet time.

There's a widespread misconception, she said, that Christians fear pleasure, especially sexual pleasure, and see it as degrading, corrupting and tainted.

"That's a dirty, rotten LIE," she yelled, stamping her foot on the marble floor.

"But it's always so hard for a couple to transition from kneeling together in awe before the gates of heaven -- praying for famine victims in Darfur, for instance, or the political situation in East Timor--and then jumping into the sack for a session of hot carnal pleasure. I wanted to help bridge that gap. That was my sacred mission."

The result was her first popular cutting-edge design-- the breakaway flannel granny gown.

flannel girl

"That was a classic! When that was released in the late 1990s, a whole generation of Christian couples reached a new level of ecstasy... and, I might add, the Christian marriage counseling industry went into a nosedive," she said. "I think it was the combination of flannel on flesh that was so satisfying. And the plaid design didn't hurt."

Since then, her Victorious Secret line has continued to innovate, going from mail-order to Internet sales even as it opened hundreds of new stores in malls across the country. At the same time, the racy Victorious Secret catalog became a favorite smuggled item on seminary campuses.

Most recently, the company expanded into Mormon undergarments, a specialty product line that required retooling a whole factory.

But pride goeth before a fall, even for the "Marabel Morgan of our time," as Newsweek called her, and especially for a clothing line that had grown too big for its knickers.

This year's design was not warmly received by fashion critics or customers --a simple negligee made completely out of Four Spiritual Laws tracts. Sales were abysmal.

"OK, we over-reached. We were going for "Jack Chick" chic. But we learned our lesson this year--nothing too crinkly," she explained.

"I think the Christian zeitgeist, if you will, is moving away from overt bedroom evangelism to more purpose-driven, lifestyle-based seduction techniques. Our 2009 line will deliver more of a post-modernist, Blue Like Jazz kind of message, while maintaining that balance of holiness and hotness our customers have come to expect."

In fact, Victorious Secret is being challenged by the upstart Frederick's of Saddleback, which started as a kiosk in Rick Warren's megachurch and has taken away a lucrative slice of the cutthroat Christian faithwear market.

As we ended the interview and I took my leave, I noticed Veronique lingered at her door to watch as I walked down the hall, her riding crop softly tapping her leg, steam literally hissing off her bronzed, silken skin. The whole experience was very disconcerting.

Out in the lobby I thanked the receptionist, checked my watch, asked directions to the nearest Starbucks, and then surreptitiously picked up a copy of the Victorious Secret catalog off her desk while she wasn't looking.

I just wanted to, uh, price check that leather halter top.


Comments(54)

pigseye | 07:21 am on 8/30/2008

Cross dressing goat herders. There really is nothing new under the sun.

I don't know where you're from, but this is news to me! I didn't even know people herded goats, let alone dressed them in clothes. People never cease to amaze me.

A1 | 09:15 am on 8/30/2008

Veronique Wisteria gets my vote for Theologian of the Year ...

Kat | 05:37 am on 2/28/2011

To be fair that looks pretty good for girls anyway. It was mentioned also on an entertainment site I read.

Lilly | 12:29 pm on 8/30/2008

I was working for the Bathsheba Bathing Suit Company and my boss who was in the National Guard was activated and called away to another country. Due to an honest mistake, he was killed by friendly fire. So his widow, Mrs. Uriah, was given a huge financial settlement by the government. But now I have met this cool guy named Nathan and he is a ‘take charge kind of guy’. We are thinking about opening a Warehouse for Priest Clothing Store.

ReneeJoan | 06:20 pm on 8/31/2008

Eager to replace some of my holey undies with holy undies, I did a search for Victorious Secret -- the only site(s) I found were related to a World of Warcraft Guild or something like that. Was this supposed to be satire or something? Don't toy with me like this, Skippy . . . .

Cynth The Poet | 11:48 pm on 9/01/2008

What was your first clue that The Wittenburg Door is a satire site? (Don't mean to be mean, but this can't be your first visit here, Renee-Joan.)

Siarlys Jenkins | 08:02 pm on 8/31/2008

For Holy Undies, contact Mitt Romney or Orrin Hatch.

Anonymous | 04:05 pm on 9/02/2008

How about "holy fundy undies"? They would be loud and unyielding!

Andy | 02:36 pm on 9/03/2008

How about "fundies in their undies"? That's what one of my seminary profs (back in the early 80's) called Marabel Morgan, Tim and Beverly LaHaye, et al.

SRebbe | 02:06 pm on 9/06/2008

I really don't want to see that swimsuit issue... [shudder]

SRebbe | 09:54 pm on 9/02/2008

I still would rather get a 'real' leather halter top that you can wear to the office rather than one stamped with a cross... mixed messages, y'know.

ReneeJoan, there's a whole different site for toys....
dammit, I'm taking BJ's place..... I really need a job.

Hulda the Prophetess | 01:39 pm on 9/03/2008

WHERE'S THE TOYS SITE?!?!?! Mind you, who needs toys when you're getting moist off the sight of a priest with his rosary on....and ONLY his rosary on?

SRebbe | 03:53 pm on 9/03/2008

depending on the size, a rosary could be used as a toy...
actually, bracelet-size would be better.

Lilly | 08:09 am on 9/04/2008

I would never use a 'toy'.
However, I do use certain tools (mail order).
As a Choir member it is helpful to train my voice to hit a high C note. "Oh,,,,,sweet mystery of life at last I've found you!!!"

that calvinist doug | 03:10 pm on 9/04/2008

You people need to get therapy, and A LOT MORE SEX.

Siarlys Jenkins | 07:38 am on 9/09/2008

Calvinists don't have sex. That's why mainline Protestant churches are being edged out by evangelical mega-churches.

SRebbe | 03:56 pm on 9/11/2008

of course Calvinists have sex. G-d knew they would.
the Bible tells me so.

The Green Dot | 06:47 pm on 9/16/2008

no they don't. they don't need to, their orgasms have already occurred.

Anonymous | 08:44 pm on 9/16/2008

Total Depravity
Unconditional Erection
Limited Abasement
Irresistible Grace or Britney or Susan
Perseverance of the Saints ( Viagra or Cialis , limit 4 hours)

Siarlys Jenkins | 07:12 am on 9/24/2008

To paraphrase Anita Bryant (remember her? the Florida orange juice sales lady?), Calvinists can't reproduce, so they need to recruit.

SRebbe | 08:00 pm on 9/24/2008

so would that count as... ok, I can't even go there.

budda | 04:07 am on 9/16/2008

Sure they do, they just use pre-abortion .....ummm I mean birth control.

that calvinist doug | 03:23 pm on 9/17/2008

Dang. I really have to check back more often. Some good ones posted here. Unfortunately, the fact that my little post garnered several responses only illustrates the dire need for something new on this site. Pity, really. This was my favorite internet diversion for a year, and then, POOF! it up and goes on hiatus. I barely check here once a week now, hoping for something new, only to have my hopes dashed.

Siarlys Jenkins | 07:14 am on 9/24/2008

How you can you expect discussion columns to come up with anything new, when there is nothing new posted on the site, and the March/April issue of the magazine hasn't been printed yet? I mean, if funds are lacking for print, at least post some new articles on-line! Then we would have something new to discuss.

Deacon Spears | 09:14 pm on 9/04/2008

The sight of an exposed ankle, from under the hem of a long cotton dress. Soft curls hanging below a handmade bonnett. These are the proper things to set the heart of a young Baptist boy beating.
Who but Godless heathens and Methodist/Episcoplains would fan the flames of raw passion?
It is just another sign of the End Times.
PS: Why are all you adults so interested in toys. Didn't you have something to play with when you were younger. I played with the dog and the other animals at the barn.

SRebbe | 02:11 pm on 9/06/2008

not for us city folk.

as it is written in the Ghetto Book of Life:
"Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones
But Whips and Chains Excite Me."

Anonymous | 07:36 pm on 9/08/2008

Pardon me, I wish to know if your store would sell me one (1) universal handcuff key.
Please ship express, overnight, Fed-EX.
This is a somewhat delicate matter and requires some tact.
Please request the delivery person to enter the back door of the Rectory and leave the emergency package on the kitchen table.
I hav been very excited and find your prodct line exquiestit,
please exccuse my keybording I am only aable to use onee hand.
Just get me a key ASAP

Anonymous | 11:45 am on 9/05/2008

Do they design underwear that stops the holy ghost from getting into a women's special place, raping her and creating another jesus?

Anonymous | 12:07 pm on 9/14/2008

this is so dumb. who cares about underpants?? are all your writers on vacation or something?

SRebbe | 08:02 pm on 9/24/2008

I find your lack of faith [and creativity of the innuendo] disturbing.

A1 | 09:17 pm on 9/14/2008

And now for something completely different:

The Chi Files
by
Al

Special Agent Diana Scuallia pulled back the curtain and entered the office. She ignored Mull-dar’s drawing of the wheels within wheels, its caption, “I 1 2 Bleev”
She considered herself the more rational of the two, always the skeptic. It took a month of searching thru the Bureau’s achieves until she found the file of his encounter. It wasn’t a surprise his description matched exactly the same as the ‘wheels’ witnessed by the prophet Ezekiel.
He was late as usual. She picked up a scroll on his desk and read his latest report:


- Chi File Investigation: Suspicious Activity -
Special Agent Mull-dar, Yehudah Bureau of Investigation
Informant reports a strange occurrence at the river Yarden.
People enter the river and have encounter with subject known as Youchanan aka John the Baptist (self described as ‘Voice crying the wilderness,” see file #34-BD6) who tells them to t’shuvah or repent of their sins. He dunks them in the water as mikveh, only long enough to get their hair wet. When they come out, they aren’t the same people.
When questioned further, informant stated “they look the same, but they don’t act the same, as if someone, or something, has taken control of their body and mind.” He couldn’t clarify further other than he “knew some of them before the immersion.”
‘After Action Report’ to follow.

She put the scroll aside. A skin under the report was addressed to her.


Scuallia,
The hookah smoking man told me a body will be found tonight behind the Kings palace. He says it’ll be Youchanan. Be prepared to do an autopsy to confirm identity. - M.


Oh Mull-dar … If it’s not a mysterious hookah smoker, it’s the lone spear throwers. Next, it’d be little green men fathered by Zeus and Leda.
What would she say in her next report to Director Ckin’nar about the current Chi file investigations? Granted, he already knew how bizarre from reality her first reports were. Unless there was a deeper reason-- would he’ve assigned her to Mull-dar for his own reason? An internal investigation? Maybe Ckin’nar was using her to keep a watch on him?
Diana, you’ve been around Mull-dar too long, you’re starting to think like him. But what if … what if the truth was out there as Mull-dar claimed? He really believed there was a consortium of government and religious syndicates involving cover-ups. If it existed, how high up did it go, Tiberius Caesar? Governor Pontius Pilate? The current tetrarch of Galil, Antipas? Some, or maybe all the members of the Tzaddikim Sadducees? And were the P’rushim Pharisees involved too? Surely not the Y.B.I! It was impossible to comprehend so many theories; all of them implicated everyone somehow. It was no wonder Mull-dar was dancing on the edge of insanity… and she was following along.
Admittedly, there was some evidence of the mass murder of the all Yehudah children under two years old at Beit-Lechem by the Roman soldiers. It was questionable they did it under direct orders of King Herod. That investigation was officially closed by orders of the new King, King Herod Antipas, his son. Was his fathers death a co-incidence, or part of a some hidden agenda?

She looked at the stack of scrolls, the Chi files grew thicker by the week especially since that new Rabbi came to town.
He was the son of Yosef and Miryam, Yeshua. To some Yehudim Jewish people, he was a prophet, to others the awaited Mashiach. He was a fascinating story-teller according to most, a demon or Beelzebub himself by the P’rushim Pharisees. Mull-dar had files and files of him as a healer, a philosopher, a miracle worker, and a troublemaker. Who was he really? Supposedly born of a virgin (she’d read the accompanying files “Interview with shepherds at birth of the Christ,” “Interview with Star Gazing Mystics of the East who worship the King of Yehudim at Beit-Lechem), and raised in Natzeret. She was the investigating official that took the missing person report filed by his parents at Yerushalayim. It was during the feast of Pesach when he was twelve years old. He was found three days later at the Mikdash Temple teaching the Torah.
According to Mull-dar's observations, Yeshua had a habit of offending the religious establishment.
For example, everyone knew animal sacrifices were common, regulated, and strictly enforced by the Tzaddikim Sadducees. Yeshua had been warned by Temple authorities about a disturbance involving the financial trade exchangers.

What about Mull-dar’s claim about Yeshua raising the dead? Extreme? There were multiple cases. One particular invovled a man, Lazarus, had been dead four days, his body was beginning to stink. He was revived. The P’rushims were upset because of the reported resurrection’s timing wasn’t according to the Talmud, the Sadducees because of it.
Exorcisms? Numerous. She remembered back when she first met Mull-dar, the personal questions about his state of mind. As a trained medical doctor and special agent of the Y.B.I, Scullia’s observations were important. In this line of work, her life depended on them. She tried not to let her emotions show as Mull-dar told her about his personal experience seeing the Rabbi Yeshua calling evil spirits out of a mad man. Later, she read his report about the “Legion Incident at Gerasenes,” where Mull-dar documented the two-thousand swine committing suicide by throwing themselves over a cliff. She remembered he was so casual talking about it, so normal like it was something that happened everyday. She’d performed hundreds of autopsies, “Final Exams” Mull-dar called them, on murder victims, people killed in accidents, drowned fishermen, lepers, and had seen more than her share of death by crucifixion which in her opinion was the most horrific cause of death. Seeing thousands of swine killing themselves all at once was a bit much to imagine, except by Mull-dar, if it actually happened …
This Yeshua claimed, not once but several times he was the Son of YHVH. It was during an incident when he declared physical healing by the forgiveness of sin just by saying so. The P’rushims had a fit on that one.
The Sadducees hated Yeshua because he posed a threat to their position. And lifestyle.
How was he a threat to the Roman government she wondered, after all, it practiced syncretism respecting all religious beliefs and the Sanhedrin Jewish court system was still subject to Roman law. The death penalty! If this Yeshua was guilty of insurrection as the religious leaders claimed— She caught herself, her fingers white from gripping the tablet. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
Facts piled up into conclusions, but which were facts? Which were hearsay? Was all this within Mull-dars overactive imagination, “I want to believe” … or maybe I’m coming around to his delusional way of thinking. One thing I do agree with him, “Trust no one.”
She closed the folder, swept her fingers through her hair. If the truth is out there, I’d like to know it. Her eyes rested on Mull-dars drawing.

***

- Autopsy of body found -

SA Diana Scullia, MD, Y.B.I.

Subject: Approximately thirty year old male. Wearing sandals, coat of camel hair with leather belt. Hand and feet bound with webbed rope.
Cause of death: Decapitated. Straight sever across neck, back to front. Head still missing.
Stomach contents: Berries, honey, and locust. Liver appears to be healthy, no evidence of alcohol abuse.
Followers of Youchanan identified body and claimed it for burial.
(signed)
SA Diana Scullia, MD, Y.B.I.


After Action Report.- Continuing Investigation of killing of Youchanan
SA Mull-dar, Y.B.I.
Body positively identified as Youchanan AKA John the Baptist. Last seen at birthday party of King Herod Antipas. Informant says King Herod Antipas and Youchana had angry exchange over Queen Herodias (his brother Philip’s ex-wife). King Antipas says he respected John, knew he was a just and holy man, liked listening to him.
Witnesses at party included Queen Herodias and her daughter, various lords, high captains, and chiefs of Galil. All can vouch for King and his whereabouts that evening.
(signed)
SA Mull-dar, Y.B.I.


-After Action Report -
Investigation of Shimon the Zealot in murder of Youchana
SA Diana Scullia, MD, Y.B.I.
Assisting the case with SA Mull-dar, I’ve discovered an associate and disciple of Yeshua, who goes by the name of Shimon the Zealot. After questioning, he admits he is a radical member of a group that is anti-Roman government.
He claims he didn’t know anything about the killing.
Shimon had ‘probably cause’ killing Youchana with hope to put blame on the Romans to stir a rebellion by Yehudim people against the government.
(signed)
SA Diana Scullia, MD, Y.B.I.

SRebbe | 06:04 pm on 9/15/2008

how it's related:
what did the daughter of Herodias wear for her little dance?

actually, that's kind of creepy... it was her uncle, after all. or something like that. "It is not lawful for you to have your brother's wife."

good reporting.

OddShapedTony | 01:36 am on 1/06/2009

Brilliant! Well Done!

Anonymous | 09:28 pm on 9/17/2008

WTF!!! It would've been nice to be told The Door was gonna go on holidays for......months!!? Hey, it's an ADD world, I'm onto 2500 other things...about to delete The Door from my bookmarks!

Process Deist | 10:39 pm on 9/17/2008

Hey Dude! (or Dudette, which ever the case may be)
I am Tourettes with OCD.
I keep humming and singing and clicking on the this bookmark several times each day.
If this keeps up, I will have to go back to Houston to the movement disorder clinic.
I have to quit coming to this website every few minutes waiting for new material from the comedy writers.

JoshH | 10:41 am on 9/21/2008

"Overcomers." Hmmmm...
That somehow sounds dirty.

pigseye | 07:58 am on 9/23/2008

There is a new line of undergarments comming out for retro traditionalists with a literalist view of scripture.

Lyles loin cloths not to be confused with Gandis garments.

Knock and the door will be opened, apparently not this door.

SRebbe | 08:05 pm on 9/24/2008

people!

if we are a freaking community like y'all keep whining about, then be a freaking community and submit... funds, stories... something.

if you don't like it, feel free to write something.

A1 did.

budda | 09:53 am on 9/26/2008

I believe I am the one whining the most, SReeb, and would submit something but, alas, I am not funny.

I do believe we would all pitch in if they would just communicate with us. Ask and you shall receive.

Beloved Spear | 10:08 am on 9/25/2008

I submitted several things over the summer. No response. Of course, perhaps that's just because they bit. Here's a sample:

http://weblog.xanga.com/Beloved_Spear/674542230/the-olde-tyme-gospel-rad...

Something's going on here...perhaps a kerfuffle at Trinity?

Or maybe they've been raptured away.

Dagnabbit, I wish someone would tell us.

I miss my Door.

Anonymous | 11:13 am on 9/29/2008

Please come back; I just found you a month or so ago and you quickly became a "must read".

Thnaks

SRebbe | 12:06 pm on 9/29/2008

yeah, some communication would be nice. just to know what's going on.

Matthew | 02:15 pm on 10/08/2008

I agree that modern fashion dictates the use of undergarments that leave very little to the imagination. Underwear is supposed to be playful and sexy. However these pieces remind me too much of the PJ's I would get on christmas morning as a child. And though children are playful, they just arn't sexy. Is there a way to comprimise?

Anonymous | 03:06 pm on 10/27/2008

Should I pray for the strength to resist the temptation to Google "Victorious Secret" to find out if it's a real company? FOUL TEMPTATION!!!

stephy | 04:44 pm on 8/16/2009

This is so good. Christians love talking about being victorious.

Villette | 08:06 am on 8/21/2009

I am now not interested in that, there they are with women's underwear. Are they or are not at all. It is their own business!

CDB | 07:35 pm on 3/05/2010

So if you see one of her undergarments, is that a sign that the rapture is near?

sexy lingerie | 12:29 am on 4/19/2010

What, exactly, do mormon underpants look like? lol

Linay lingerie | 05:39 am on 8/21/2010

I keep humming and singing and clicking on the this bookmark several times each day.

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