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DISCUSSYou Know You're Too Jewish...
02/12/2008By Jennifer Morrow
Official Door Token Jew
You know you’re too Jewish if your map of "Greater Zion" has Beijing on it.
You know you're too Jewish if Joe Lieberman has kissed your baby.
You know you’re too Jewish if you put your profile on an online dating site and your first response is a general “Comments and Critiques” message from your Mother.
You know you're too Jewish if you're the fourth generation of your family to be inducted into the Friars Club.
You know you’re too Jewish if you think your Judaic Studies professor at Brandeis is a blasphemer.
You know you're too Jewish if you used a William Morris agent to book your six-year-old's appearance in the school play.
You know you're too Jewish when the last five girls you dated were named Sarah.
You know you’re too Jewish when the sixth girl was named Rachel.
You know you’re too Jewish if you stood outside Barnes & Noble at midnight waiting for the new Philip Roth novel.
You know you’re too Jewish if your idea of a power tool is an electric can opener.
You know you’re too Jewish if you’ve spent more than five minutes forcing a Gentile friend to describe the taste of fresh ham.
Editor's note: Jennifer, a 2007 graduate of Brandeis from Long Island who works for a major publishing company in New York, insisted that a Conservative Jew is required by her faith to flip-flop eternally. Hence:
You know you’re not Jewish ENOUGH if you don’t know every line to “Springtime for Hitler.”
You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve ever eaten a bacon cheeseburger. (If you accidentally discovered a few bits of pork mixed into your egg roll and then decided to throw it out, you’re STILL OKAY).
You know you’re not Jewish enough if all of your ancestors died peaceful, quiet, non-Cossack-related deaths.
You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve never felt a strange, primal desire to ravish Ben Stiller or Sarah Silverman.
You know you’re not Jewish enough if you never read the Hebrew text of your prayer book OR the English translation, but have committed the phonetic transliteration in between the two to memory.
You know you’re not Jewish enough if one of your high school achievements was a perfect score on the National Latin Exam.
You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve observed Madonna’s Kabbalah shenanigans and given her credit for TRYING.
You know you’re not Jewish enough if you “gripe” and “celebrate,” but never “kvetch” or “kvell.”
You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve experienced everything in the first part of this article but don’t actually go to temple.
NOTE: To change direction from one extreme to the other, just try calling your Mother more. Or less.
You know you're too Jewish if...you shrug off a few hundered thousand Palestinians living in dire poverty while Israel blocks food, clean water, electrical power and medicine from reaching their political prisioners.
Let's see how long this post stays up.
BTW... why do you only poke fun at Christianity and Islam on this website? There must be some Jewish "Ted Hags'" out there!
Yeah. Who cares about that suicide bomber thing! Who cares about security! We need to let the electricity flow!
:rolls eyes:
Just wondering mind you but, what with the multi-billions of dollars the palestnians receive from the civilized world,why is it that they can't raise their own crops, build water treatment and power plants, or, for that matter, build one children's playground? In addition, could you tell me what is the currency of palestine? Its language? Its cultural identity? Its economic base?
If palestinian suffering is so gotesque why is it that no christian palistinians are splattering their guts in addition to sundry metal shards, ball bearigs and roofing nails all over Israel's pizza parlors,buses and markets? I couldn't possibly have anything to do with mooohamet's command to kill the jews where ever they are found. Could it? Nah, it must be all that suffering caused by the abject poverty precipitated by the Joooos.
wow, are you an angry guy/gal. take your biased views back to the bund meeting on your next visit.
i hope this stays up a while.
get a sense of humor.
oy, dsmith! point that thing at someone else!
xtians provide plenty of material. "they will know we are christians by our accessories." may the gods bless america and our wallets. fat and spoiled babies.
and where else can a "tolerant" religion prove their tolerance toward others by threatening to rain down violence and death on those who do not live and let live? rather ironic. (speaking of the islamic fundies, of course.)
the jews are already great comedians and satirists. they don't need help skewering anyone.
You know you're too Jewish...when you whine on a site that derides zealous Christians and Muslims, and rightfully so, while claiming protected species status because someone points out your less than admirable Jewish qualities.
Hmmmm. As a Presbyterian pastor with a Jewish wife and kids, I should be filled with outrage at this flagrant anti-Semitism. I should. But I know you guys, so I'm not. Most of the Jews I know have a pretty good sense of humor, and find this sort of thing amusing, even from a ragingly goyische bunch like y'all.
From the perspective of a quasi-insider, let kibbitz a bit here. What, are you kidding me with the Sarah Silverman schtupping? If that's a criteria for Jewishness, the ADL has a whole bunch of heterogentiles to add to it's mailing list.
That last "Not Jewish enough..." is very important, because it keeps John Hagee's fat ass from ever being considered Jewish...well, that and the fact that he's probably skipped line at a pig pickin' to put the whole thing on his plate!
Wow! Thanks for the much appreciated Jewish humour - this is why I love the Door it's got "yiddishkeit"! Though I'm irritated by the ever so predictable anti-semitic responses. Feels like a scene right from Borat! Jennifer keep up the good work!
Louise..Criticism of Israel's inhumane treatment of Palestinians is not anti-semitism (not even an accurate term in that millions of arabs are semites) it's anti-slavery. Take time to read about the blockade Israel has set up against food, water and medicine resulting in the deaths of thousands of men, women and children who had nothing to do with bombs...and this kind of barbarity from a nation claiming to be blessed by God?
I know WD is billed as a fun website but even Jon Stewart brings up topical issues on a network called Comedy Central.
Let's define slavery, shall we? Slavery is forcing someone to work without their consent. Is anyone forcing Palestinians to work without consent? No.
And a blockade isn't barbarity, it's indirect economic damage. The US is killing people the same way by NOT spending more money on saving people. As does every other country, because countries (wisely) tend to focus on the health and saftely of their own.
Well I have issues with the treatment of the the Palestinians, but I don't see what that has to do with a humor page... I love this page. If there's a page that's anti-Palestinian, post your comments there.
We don't have to be political all the time. I'm content to be pro Jew, and pro a sane solution to the Palestinian mess that ends up with EVERYBODY safe and prosperous.
Perspective people.
"And now for the news out of Gaza...Forty three Palestininan children died today, but not to worry, it was from indirect economic damage, so you can't blame us."
I just ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich. It was yummy good.
I'll have what he's having. . .
I had mine fried like the King. Ate it while watching Snuffy the Gentile Slayer.
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