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DISCUSSJoin me, Paige Patterson, and together let's get Medieval on some heretic hiney!
01/29/2008By Paul Smith
Greetings, fellow God-fearing Christians!
Are you tired of godless liberals infecting our church? Have you ever taken a spiritual inventory test and scored high on doctrinal purity but low on such unessentials as mercy and charity? Do you own more guns than Bibles? Do you yearn to round up every member of the Jesus Seminar and beat them to a bloody pulp?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, I have an exciting job opportunity you might be interested in.
Hi! My name is Paige Patterson, and I would like to tell you about “Theological Enforcers,” a highly rewarding job opportunity sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention.
One day, as I was polishing my Colt .45 and yearning for a return to the days of the Spanish Inquisition, a thought hit me. Christians nowadays have forsaken a great deal of their Christian heritage in this recent movement towards “love” and “acceptance.” I mean, just think of how St. Nicholas would feel. Yes, I’m talking about jolly old St. Nick, who, at the Council of Nicea bitch-slapped Arius for blaspheming. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
Now even though it is now fashionable to “love your neighbors,” and “turn the other cheek,” REAL Christianity is all about doctrinal purity. Just think about the great men in our Christian heritage and how they would be appalled if they could see the church now. If John Calvin burned Michael Servetus at the stake, what do you think he would do to missionaries who use “prayer language” when they are alone? And if Martin Luther wrote “Against the Murderous, Thieving Peasants,” and called the pope the Antichrist, what names do you think he would reserve for women who tried to preach?
And terrorizing heretics through physical violence and emotional abuse isn’t just in our Christian heritage, it is in the Bible, too! Who can forget the great scene where Elisha calls out two female bears to devour the children who mocked him? Forget speaking in tongues, calling out bears to devour my enemies is a spiritual gift I would really like to have! Then, of course, I would shoot the bears and have them mounted.
And out of everyone in the Bible, there are few who we could do better to emulate than King Jehu, who lied to everyone saying he wished to have a huge feast to Baal just so he could kill those cursed Baal worshippers more easily. Boy, I’d be lying if the thought of proclaiming a “Gay Pride” parade here at Southwestern Seminary for the same reason hasn’t crossed my mind once or twice!
But of course, our greatest example in this is God Himself. If you’re like me, you’ve preached plenty of sermons on God taking the punishment of sinners into His own hands. Whether it is God raining down fire on Sodom and Gomorrah or Him slaying Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu for offering up strange fire, the Big Guy’s finger is always hovering over the “smite” key.
“But Paige,” I can hear some bleeding heart liberal snivel, “what about Jesus, didn’t He tell us to love one another?” Yes, let’s talk about Jesus, the one who has a sword in His mouth that slays His enemies until there is a river of their blood. And if you were scared of getting a whipping from Pappa’s belt when you were a kid, you would pee your pants if Jesus came after you with His “rod of iron” which He uses to rule over the nations.
Now I know what you’re thinking right now, Paige, how can I become one of these biblically based “Theological Enforcers?” Well, for $19.99 (plus shipping and handling) you too can join one of these Christian elites. And what do you get for this great deal? Well, you get all the necessities to jumpstart your Theological Enforcer career, including the official “Theological Enforcer” badge, a police baton to subdue those stubborn heretics and the Southern Baptist Convention approved book, Why You Are Wrong, which has chapters explaining the errors of such groups as Catholics, Episcopalians, Pentecostals, Presbyterians, Gays, and Democrats, as well as detailing the best way to eliminate each threat to true Christianity.
And if you call now, we’ll throw in free a military surplus pistol and box of ammunition, for those stubborn heretics who just won’t listen to the reasoning of a sound, Biblically administered beating!
So what are you waiting for? Call now and join the growing number of people who want to return to Biblical Christianity and defend the Gospel! Join me—Paige Patterson—today and together let’s get Medieval on some heretic hiney!
Theological Enforcers wants YOU! Will YOU be there when the roll is called UP YONDER?!
Send $19.99 (plus $5 shipping and handling—cash only, please) to:
“Dr.” Paige Patterson c/o
Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary
2001 W. Seminary Drive
Fort Worth, TX 76115
1-800-SWBTS-01
"Have you ever taken a spiritual inventory test and scored high on doctrinal purity but low on such unessentials as mercy and charity?"
Nice... so true
I know its satire, but it seems to suggest that we should be more concerned about making people feel good then following what is true. We are called to love people. We are also called to love them for the right reason, and get our love from the true source of love. To sacrifice integrity of truth in the name of love is in fact a repudiation of what that love stands for. Don't fall into that trap.
"We are called to love them for the right reason..." What pray tell is the "right reason". I didn't know that God calls us to love people "conditionally". What I do recall is that God tells us to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves". No conditions, no if's and's or but's, just love. When the "pagan" sees the reality of God's love in us toward them, then and only then will the "pagan" listen to the truth. We christians always get it wrong....hit'em with the truth, then expect them to turn to God!
By right reason, I don't mean conditional. Rather I mean unconditionally with the correct motivation. If you love other people because it is merely a selfish desire to make yourself feel virtuous, then that would be loving them for the "wrong reason", neh? Its not about hitting them with the truth and hoping they turn to God. Its a matter of having our source of love come from God, and in order to that we have a right relationship with God. Like I said before, sacrificing the integrity of the truth for the sake of the love actually defeats the very source of the love.
You know its kinda funny that this on the "The Door" website, because this is exactly what The Door does. Well not like this satire, but if anything The Door is about defending true Christian faith against scammers, frauds and cheats. If Ole Antony can call Copeland a con, then I don't see why people can't legitimately repudiate heresy.
http://www.carm.org/chapel/shepherds_chapel.htm
heritics use guns too wile teachin'
Yeah, I have to agree with the above Anonymous posters. Doctrinal purity is not the opposite of love and mercy; love and mercy should come as a result of understanding Biblical doctrine. Not that there aren't people in the Church who seem to forget compassion, but our ideas of what "love" and "mercy" *are* seem to be more influenced by postmodern worldly notions than by the wisdom of God.
Don't get me started on how most 21st century Westerners seem to feel about church discipline...
Oh, and, totally off-topic - did anyone else read "Paige Patterson" and think they meant the girl from "Trading Spaces"?
No I couldn't get past the fact she was drinking Colt 45.
Yes I did. made me think she'll show up with a gun and and a work crew and repaint my house a nice shade of pumpkin.
"postmodern worldly notions"
as if the modern or pre-modern worldly notions were any better.
no chapter on the emerging church? Shocked, I tell you.
Right on. I really like that place in the New Testament where Jesus tells the disciples, "And by this shall all men know that you are my disciples, because you are doctrinally pure." What the f* is doctrinal purity anyway?
If you were "doctrinally pure" (TM), then you would know that the verse you refer to is very specific in who we are to love. We are to "love one another" - obviously, Jesus is telling us that we are only to love other "doctrinally pure" (TM) believers. Thank G** He gave us "doctrinally pure" (TM) believers a loophole!!
Paul told Timothy to watch his life and doctrine closely. There are many teachings that do not align with Scripture, some being promoted by well-known scholars/teachers/pastors, that do have an adverse affect people's minds and lives. Heresy is not funny and the results can be tragic when people turn toward it. "Heresy hunter" or "doctrinal proctologist" are derogatory labels...maybe some have earned the epithets...but the concerned men and women I've known would be better called "watchmen."
Watchman, tell us of the night...
For a limited time only we will throw in the Bob Jones key chain flashlight. This handy item will remind you that you have sworn to light the way for those who truly seek and knock.
I thought-provoking and well-written piece. It troubles me and perhaps after I've said what I say the theological enforcers will be after me. How is that we are to "love our enemies" but according to classic orthodoxy God will punish His for all of eternity in the fires of hell? What is God really like if He can stand by while countless souls are being tortured forever? What earthly activity could merit such punishment? I can accept destroying a soul because of sin but tormenting one ad infinitum that is beyond me and I trust it is beyond the love and mercy of God as well.
There is no strong biblical evidence to suggest that "hell" is a place of literal fire and eternal physical/mental torment where God actively is the tormentor. Instead, I believe the more accurate description is that God basically gives unbelievers what they want; that is, a reality total devoid of his presence. Don Miller wrote an interesting interpretation of this in his book "Blue Like Jazz" comparing hell to being an astronaut floating around alone, forever alive, in his spacesuit, but completely devoid of human (or Godly) contact, communication, etc. Bottom line, the fictional character wishes he was dead, but cannot die.
In this understanding of the doctrine of hell, God isn't actually doing anything except giving the person what he/she wants.
I'm not saying this is the actual way hell plays out; but it may serve to spark contemplation instead of outright rejection.
C.S. Lewis also does an interesting treatment on Hell in "The Great Divorce" which, while obviously taking creative liberties, goes pretty far to show how Hell might be made an awful place by the people dwelling in it. Imagine how life would be if anything good - anything that comes from God - were taken away. As Lewis puts it, in the end there are only two types of people: the ones who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "Thy will be done."
A more scholarly examination of what Hell can be found here: http://www.tektonics.org/uz/2muchshame.html
I think that one of the main reasons why people have such a difficult time with the concept of Hell is because they don't understand how holy God is, and how sinful we are. Again, this is one of those areas where the Church needs to be teaching sound doctrine...
Fundie heaven sounds like hell, no beer and no sex.
It's funny you say that; just last night I was considering the passage about people not being married in heaven, while simultaneously thinking about wanting to have sex with my wife (in the purest, doctrinal, missionary way, of course). It occurs to me that even things we think of as essential here (food, drink, sex, golf, NFL, whatever) will probably be comparable to my seven-year-old, who at this moment considers his action figures to be indispensible...I think our earthly "treasures" will be much like that in eternity.
It would seem that if a person wants to die but can't, God isn't giving them what they want. In any event, the biblical language concerning hell is far more heinous than this "Blue Like Jazz" makes it sound. "Hand them over to the torturers," "smoke of their torment" "and "receive many lashes" are but a few expressions from the New Testament that paint hell as both terrible and punishing. My question is to the duration of such punishment/toruture. Is it eternal in the sense of never-ending or just eternal in the sense of final? Let us assume that it is eternal in the sense of never-ending that has to affect how one understands God even if one accepts a "cooler" version of hell.
There is a lot of imagery used in the bible to talk about eternal things; I for one do not believe that heaven necessarily has streets, and if it does, I doubt they're really paved in gold. Gold was simply the most valuable thing around and the writer was getting the point across that even the most valuable thing on earth is worthless (asphalt) in the kingdom of heaven. Similarly, I think the language of hell is trying to get across the point that it's worse than anything we can imagine. I'm of the opinion that were it not for the graceful hand of God restraining evil in the world, it would be a MUCH worse place than we can conceive of; if this is true, then my interpretation of hell is that it will be like that-God letting evil have full reign.
As to the eternal/final question: that's a good point. I believe the soul is eternal and so therefore is its final abode, but I'll leave that discussion to someone more qualified than myself.
Isn't Paige a girl's name? I was expecting an article on church makeovers.
Well said Paige, I just got my kit and the secret decoder ring really does enable us to know when Jesus Is Coming with the rapture.
Thanks a lot. Now I'm an Enforcer.
"Christian Enforcer" = "American Taliban"
God save us!
As a diest, I do belive in and follow some of the teachings of jesus christ and the Christian God. Emphasis on "some". The unneccesary little tidbits don't seem godly at all, and quite frankly represent the worldviews of the authors and not those of God or Jesus. @ Calvanist Doug: what about all the muslims, Hindus, and Buddists who spend their lives devoutley praying to their god, and live by their moral codes? Something tells me that being away from God isn't their greatest desire. And almost no one wants to be all alone.
First, Miller's analogy is just that. I'm not saying it's completely accurate.
Second, Buddhists do not believe in "god" per se, and Muslims live by a religion whereby you earn your way to God by works. In that one aspect, Christianity differs radically from all other belief systems, for it teaches that no one is good enough. Therefore, the belief that a redeemer is necessary-the recognition that I cannot do it my own-is prerequisite to God's acceptance, because you cannot be "redeemed" as long as you think you can be good enough. As long as a person is working his way to God, perhaps even unwittingly, he is rejecting the redeemer. Therefore, in the doctrine of hell, God is simply saying, "fine, have your way."
I think it's also important to bear in mind that we humans don't get to decide what God is like. He's revealed Himself to us through various people that He's chosen throughout history, and described Himself in some detail. Many of those details may seem unnecessary to us, or arbitrary, or ungodly, or even something we just don't like. But unless we know for a *fact* that the Biblical authors simply made up these attributes or statements, it seems to me a dangerous game to simply reject them, especially considering how deceitful our hearts can be (and as a Deist, I imagine you can appreciate the necessity of trusting reason over feelings in such matters). God described Himself as a jealous God, and considered idolatry a serious sin. Jesus even went so far as to say that many who say they follow Him will be rejected, because He never knew them.
Buddists don't have a god, they spend their time devoutley meditating and acting with compassion to reach enlightenment for themselvs but more importantly for the betterment of and ending of suffering of others
And I'm sure all pracitioners have ALWAYS gotten the order of motivation correct; that is, FIRST we achieve "the betterment of and ending of suffering of others", THEN we "reach enlightenment for ourselves."
If not, then it seems their religion is indeed only working their way to god and not some grandiose, selfless act.
Having a fake gay pride parade is a great idea. We all lie. Bush lied to get us to war and I'm so glad he did. He's a Christian and that's all that matters.
Excuse me, but claiming to be a Christian does not in fact make one such. Ask yourself what Jesus would say of "faith based War?"
He was the very reason I moved my membership from FBC Dallas. I don't need some pulpit-banging, red-faced, crazed zealot telling me how powerful God is. He was constantly taking a part of a verse out of the Bible to espouse his theories of how many millions of reasons and ways I'm gonna be subjected to hell-fire and damnation. Somewhere along the way, he forgot about the compassionate Christ, the forgiving God, and the "Love Thy Neighbor" teachings.
I believe (hope?) he'll one day make the mistake of declaring while preaching, "May Gaaawwwwwwwwwwdddddddddd strike me dayyyy-ed if this is not so!"
And he does.
You are all taking this guy way too seriously.
I haven't had such a good lauch for some time, good luck with the gay parade at Northwestern!
you sound real mad.GEN.-1:28-and let [us] make man in OUR INMANGE,SO HE CREATED HE THEM MALE AN FEMALE,INMANGE=EXSAT LIKENESS, THEN WE DEAL WITH THE WORD US,.THINK ABOUT THESE WORDS.GOD HAS SOME VERY POWER CHILDREN TO DEAL WITH.SEE YOU CAN NOT DAIL 911 ON GOD FOR CHILD ABUSE.UNLIKE THE UNJUST LAWS OF OUR SOCIETY,GOD SAIES IF YOU WALK IN THE SPIRIT THERE IS NO LAW.YET WE ARE SO CAUGHT UP IN THIS TEMPROL WORLD THAT WE CAN NOT KNOW LET ALONG UNDERSTAND OUR SPIRITUAL SOUL.UNABLE TO SEE THE PERSON WE TRULY ARE! MADE IN THE INMANGE OF GRATENESS.the bible READ HOW CAN YOU HEAR THE WORD OF GOD WITHOUT A PREACHER AND HOW CAN YOU PREACH UN LESS YOU BE SENT FROM GOD.SO WHAT WOULD YOU BELIVE THE PREACHER WOULD SAY,THEN HOW WOULD YOU RECIVED IT,HOW THEN WOULD YOU VIEW THIS TEMPROL WORLD,WHAT UNDERSTAIHG WOULD YOU RELLY UPON.WOULD YOUR FAITH BEGAIN TO GROW,COULD YOU BEGAIN TO TRUST AN LIVE CHRIST-LIKE.WILL DOUT NO MORE BE A PART OF YOUR MIND.WILL YOU SPEAK BLESSING TO PEOPLE YOU COME IN CONTACK WITH.WILL YOU ALLOW GOD TO WORK THROUGHT YOU FOR THE GOOD OF OTHERS.WILL YOU PICK UP YOUR CROSS AN FOLLOW------ ------? IT,S A PERSONAL THING BETWEEN YOU AN THE CREATOR.MAKE THE WALK AND LEARN HOW TO TALK THE TAKE.MAY YOU FIND PEACE IN YOUR MIND BODY AND SOUL
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