Satire

Mark Driscoll Kicks His Own Ass

Kevin — Tue, 1 Jul 2008 22:17:59 -0500

By Jesse Benjamin

Mark Driscoll, Pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, took a dramatic stand against girly men at a Pastor’s Conference in Houston last week.

The conference, called “re:tool and re:load,” previously billed as “jesus 2.0,” featured speakers from around the country with the stated focus of “Making the Gospel and Missiology Relevant to Post Modern Culture.” Speaking at the last session of the conference, Driscoll focused his three-and-a-half-hour talk on the need for pastors to be more alpha.

“The problem with our churches today is that the lead pastor is some sissy boy who wears cardigan sweaters, has The Carpenters dialed in on his iPod, gets his hair cut at a salon instead of a barber shop, hasn’t been to an Ultimate Fighting match, works out on an elliptical machine instead of going to isolated regions of Russia like in Rocky IV in order to harvest lumber with his teeth, and generally swishes around like Jack from Three’s Company whenever Mr. Roper was around.”

Virgin Mary Found on Back of Grand Theft Auto

Kevin — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:06:00 -0500

By Danny Gallagher

After spending more than three hours in line outside of a Gamespot in Rockford, Illinois, hoping to buy a copy of "Grand Theft Auto IV" so her son would have "friends," Jane Wallach made a startling discovery.

The game she purchased had an image of the Virgin Mary plainly visible on the reflective side of the disc.

Today's Theologians Rock With the Oldies

Kevin — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 22:30:56 -0500

By Becky Garrison

Christian publishing needs to be relevant for the New Millennium, so we decided to see what might happen if some of today’s best-selling authors re-wrote the Christian classics.

Your Guide to Contemporary Christian Music

Skippy R — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:15:04 -0500

By Dale Peterson

Thank you for choosing to worship with us today. If you are from a church that uses traditional hymns, you may be confused. Please take a moment to read through this guide to contemporary Christian music.

In our church you will not hear "How Great Thou Art," "Wonderful Grace of Jesus," or "Like a River Glorious." (Generally, hymns that have words like “Thou” are not used. They are too archaic and are normally replaced by words like “awesome” and “miry clay”).

Rock Me Like a Schwarzentruber (The Return of Amish Speed Metal)

Skippy R — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:16:09 -0500

By Larry Wiebe

Fans of bhangra-tinged Amish speed metal will be wetting themselves at the long-anticipated, longer-feared reunion of Phil Harris & the Teflon Starfish.

The new album is called "Bite the Hamster," and it's everything we thought might happen.

Gallagher Humiliated, Wins May Indulgence Award

Joe Bob Briggs — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0500

I don’t know about you, but when I think comedy, I think Cracked magazine. And one of the most relentless Cracked hacks is Danny Gallagher, a New Orleanian transplanted to Texas who just catapulted to Internet fame by winning the Door’s May Indulgence Awards for his article, “The 10 Worst Movies About Jesus (Not Including Passion of the Christ Because That Would Be Too Easy)

The Iron Age Chef

Skippy R — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 06:34:11 -0500

Welcome to the Gruel Network and our second season of The Iron Age Chef.

I'm your host, Grinzidel of the Pinion Nut, formerly chef to the House of Pannonia and food taster to the Emperor of Mudge, may he rest in peace. When the Emperor expired on our last program, we were overwhelmed with the outpourings of grief and suggestions for the further maltreatment of his body, and I assure you, the flaxseed supplier has been found and severely punished.

Burning Bush

Kevin — Tue, 27 May 2008 10:23:50 -0500

Getting Real About Reality in Real Time, Really (Rob Bell's Latest Meditation on Realism)

Kevin — Thu, 22 May 2008 22:42:47 -0500

by Aaron Alford

An exclusive excerpt (including footnotes!) from Rob Bell's groundbreaking new book Oingo Boingo: Rediscovering Realness In Authentic Realitude:

I was counseling a man and woman the other day. He was very angry. And upset. And she was too.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Kevin — Mon, 19 May 2008 10:57:48 -0500

By Todd Outcalt

Since the Clinton administration, the military has been under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with regard to gays. But the military has nothing on religion. Don't believe us? Take a look at these "don't ask, don't tell policies" that came to define the spiritual life long before Ted Haggard.

Don't ask: Are you a pro-family Republican with solid values like Newt Gingrich?
Don't tell: How many extra-marital affairs you have had while investigating the infidelity of others.