The world’s most famous polygamists have started a new cottage industry–selling “modest” handmade children’s clothing [1], popularized during the epic battle between the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and baby-snatching agents of the state of Texas. Shortly after the seizure of the 440 children at the church’s ranch in El Dorado, Texas, their mothers spent night and day at their sewing machines, trying to provide clothing that Texas Child Protective Services needed for day-to-day use of the imprisoned children. This caused a lot of inquiries from parents across the country seeking dresses, overalls, shirts, pants, sleepwear and “ankle-to-wrist underwear” for their loved ones. The polygamist wives, many of whom are afraid to return to the ranch until the state investigation is complete, told all callers that they would be happy to sell their handiwork [2]. There’s a bigger market for this stuff than you might think. It’s always been a major problem for Orthodox Jewish girls trying to socialize at swimming pools [3], but, believe it or not, neck-to-knee one-piece swimsuits can actually be cute and stylish. [4] And we now have this late-breaking development: Marc Jacobs [5] has announced that his spring 2009 collection, to be unveiled at September Fashion Week in New York, will be Prairie Style Unisex. (Incidentally, I was making the Marc Jacobs joke even before Tim Gunn debuted his YouTube interview on polygamist style [6], during which he gives the wives some advice on how to “redefine the Prairie Dress”–he would put “a big wide patent leather belt” on most of them, and switch their footwear to “a cute little ballet flat”–but he was actually impressed by some of the “innovations” the wives have already come up with, including intricate “piping detail” on their collars.)

Okay, Let’s Sing the Solstice Song

The Oprah View of Salvation–“There are many ways to God, and my way may not be your way, but kumbayah”–has now been verified by the Pew Forum [7] on Religion and Public Life (is it my imagination or is the Pew Forum becoming the pollster of choice for every media outlet in America?), which reports that 70 percent of religious Americans agree with the statement, “Many religions can lead to eternal life.” For evangelicals, the figure falls to 57 percent. Since everyone seems determined to talk about this–it’s one of those Won’t Go Away discussions–here’s the important theological distinction. For you, the believer, the injunction is One Way, and the way is narrow. The way is Christ. You don’t get to go to the salad bar. However, there’s a paradox: For you, the believing citizen of the greater world, the injunction is, Say not even in your heart who shall ascend into heaven. Two different things. You. Them. You = The Cross. Them = Love Them and Never Judge Them. The narrow way is for You, no one else. Don’t make me have to explain this again.

Shadrach Was Spared, But the Money Got Burned Up

The Three Hebrew Boys swept through small black churches and military bases in the Carolinas [8], signing up investors in “secret foreign currency exchanges” that earned anywhere from 200 to 500 percent daily interest. Since an investment like that could quickly become worth millions of dollars, it was a good way to erase your credit card debt, mortgage or car loan–or so the spiel went. You think you know where this is going, right? You only know part of it. Tony Pough, Timothy McQueen and Joseph Brunson, who called themselves the Three Hebrew Boys in homage to Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, were cast into the fiery furnace of the federal grand jury system, which indicted them on 35 counts of mail fraud last week, alleging that they collected $80 million and invested only $40,000 of it, using the rest for the usual assortment of personal luxury items. But here’s the twist: more than a hundred of their investors, including ministers and retired generals, rallied outside the South Carolina Statehouse, calling on investigators to leave them alone, proclaiming their innocence. The feds have seized $17 million and frozen it until trial, which should be good news for the defense bar of South Carolina, not to mention any Old Testament scholars who might be called for expert testimony as to exactly how much Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were supposed to get paid.

Vile Filmmaker, You Are Free to Go

How upside down has the world become when it’s considered enlightened and tolerant for a government to decide not to prosecute [9] someone for making a movie? That was the position of Geert Wilders last week when Dutch prosecutors said his short film I, [10] which maintains that the Koran is full of incitements to violence, is merely “hurtful and painful,” but not egregious enough to be prosecuted as hate speech. The Muslims in the Netherlands were not mollified, by the way, and intend to ask a judge to prosecute Wilders anyway, and possibly extradite him to Jordan, where he’s wanted on hate-speech charges. Seize that man’s digital camcorder before it’s too late.