By Dale Dobson
Taking a page from the extensive Chicken Soup for the Soul marketing handbook, the publishers of Good News for Modern Man are pleased to announce an extensive new line of niche-targeted Bible translations:
Good News for Primitive Man
"Take. Eat. Live. Ah! Good!"
Good News for the Ottoman
"For forty years you sustained them in the desert and the living room alike; they lacked nothing, nor did their feet become swollen."
Good News for Superman
"Look at the birds of the air. They are not like the planes. They do not leap over the tall buildings in a single bound. And yet your heavenly Father feeds them."
Good News for Fuller Brush Man
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, have I got a deal for him-with a free air freshener and a special discount on our full line of shoe buffing accessories."
Good News for Carman
"It is not the sound of defeat; it is the sound of singing that I hear. Can I tell the difference between what is good and what is not? Can I still hear the voice of the singer? Surely this man is the Son of God!"
Good News for Modem Man
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Good News for Letterman
"And he carried forth these tablets bearing what had been written before, the Ten Commandments proclaimed on the mountain, out of the fire. And each night, there were ten more. And most of the time they were funny, for the most part, more or less."
Good News for Modern Woman
"Ruth said, 'Do not urge me to leave you or quit following you! Where you go, I will go. Where you live, I will live. I have all my life to live, and all my love to give. Where you survive, I will survive. Hey hey!'"
Good News for Lieberman
"And he stretched out his hand over the Red Sea, and the Blue Sea. And the parties were divided, and were as a wall unto him on the right hand, and on the left."
Good News for Frosty the Snowman
"As heat and drought snatch away the melted snow, so the grave snatches away those who have sinned. But thou, my servant, art as pure as the ... well, you know."