Jesus signed his name twice on a petition to get an anti-affirmative-action initiative on the ballot in Colorado. At least that’s what Michelle Dally, spokesperson for “Vote No on 46,” told the media when she announced a legal challenge of 65,000 signatures [1], more than half of the total submitted by Ward Connerly, the anti-affirmative-action crusader from California who files these propositions wherever he can. Aside from the question of whether Jesus would choose the state of Colorado as his permanent place of residence, the signer is obviously an imposter. Jesus would have to sign his name thrice.

This Can’t End Well

Paul Verhoeven, the Dutch director best known for Robocop and Basic Instinct, is apparently peeved that he can’t be as controversial as Geert Wilders [2] in his own country, so he’s written a book called Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait in which Jesus is portrayed as the bastard child of Mary, conceived after she’s raped by a Roman soldier. This is actually a famous second-century libel by the same anti-Christian forces who portrayed believers as cultists who ate the flesh of babies, so I’m surprised Verhoeven didn’t go for the more cinematic libel. But then again, he’s the driving force behind Showgirls, which set an all-time record, never to be equalled, for use of the f-word in a single script. Roman soldier to Mary: “You are a whore, darlin’.” Mary to Roman soldier: “I am not! I’m a dancer!” Roman soldier to Mary: “Why’d you stop hooking?” Mary to Roman soldier: “I’m a dancer, goddammit!”

Would a Padre Pio Bobble Head Doll Be in Bad Taste?

They really did dig up Padre Pio and put him on display at the Santa Maria delle Grazie Church in San Giovanni Rotondo, Italy, in order to revive tourism in the region. As previously reported [3] in this space, Padre Pio died in 1968 and was known for 50 years for bearing the actual bleeding wounds of Christ on his hands, feet and side. Although we’re not sure how that worked as far as sanitation concerns might be involved, nevertheless he’s supposedly more venerated in Italy than even the Virgin Mary. He was looking pretty good when they unveiled his carcass in late April, but that was because they’d had a cosmetic surgeon, a biochemist and a wax museum [4] work him over, especially his face, because putrefaction is just not sexy.

I Dare You Guys to Infiltrate a Madrassa

Rolling Stone writer Matt Taibbi joined John Hagee’s Cornerstone Church in San Antonio so he could study Christian Zionism from the inside out, but once he got immersed in the whole thing, he ended up going on one of those military-style Encounter Weekends, run by an ex-Green Beret paratrooper named Philip Fortenberry. Taibbi describes the whole thing in his article “Jesus Made Me Puke,” [5] which is a reference to the final day of the three-day weekend when they have an extended casting-out-demons session that involves a lot of writhing around on the floor, speaking in tongues, and, yes, puking. Isn’t this about the fourth journalist this year to “go undercover” in some kind of Christian organization? This one is an excerpt from Taibbi’s book The Great Derangement, which comes out later this year and which, if this is any indication, will be heavy on snark.

Which One is the Blackmail Psalm?

At the Great Synagogue in Jerusalem, you’ve got to really know your cantoring to be chosen to cantor, and the King Cantor there for the past 27 years has been Naftali Herstik. Apparently anyone chosen to guest-cantor has to get past Herstik, and singing phenomenon Israel Rand, chief cantor at the Great Synagogue of Ramat Gan in Tel Aviv, was never able to break through the screening process for the most prestigious synagogue job in the world, even though Rand had his own music school, performed for symphonies (as did Herstik), and cantored at two big temples in New York, the New York Synagogue and the Hampton Synagogue. Rand apparently became bitter three years ago when he lost both his New York jobs and was replaced, not by Herstik, but by Herstik’s son, Netanel. Then, according to court documents, Rand concocted a scheme to sexually blackmail the elder Herstik, hiring a female private detective to pose as a “musicology student” and lure Herstik to a hotel room, hoping to get compromising pictures he could send to the Great Synagogue board. Herstik almost fell for it. He did show up at the hotel room, but saw the cameras and fled. He was briefly suspended by his synagogue, then reinstated, and now he’s suing Rand [6], not just for the blackmail scheme, but because–this is where it gets really complicated–he thinks Rand was in league with the chairman and the vice chairman of the Great Synagogue, who want to force him into retirement. Their motive? They have an interest in Rand’s singing school and want to promote it. Guys, please, all I can say is, make a joyful noise, okay?