Let’s Get Ready to Rumble
April 18-20: New York Comic Con
April 18-20: New York Papal Visit
Coincidence? We think not.
The Vatican knew exactly what they were doing. It was their attempt to make a full-scale frontal assault on American popular culture. Faced with a decision between comic books and holy scriptures, multiple superheros and a single savior, action figures and crucifixions, graphic novels and encyclicals, between the greatest artist in comic book history (Stan Lee) and the second most popular pope of the last four years (Benedict XVI), who did they expect us to choose?
Still, our intrepid reporter Becky Garrison did her best to shuttle back and forth between Comic Con and the Popemobile, snapping pictures everywhere she went, so that we could analyze the comparative entertainment values and present you with our Pop Culture vs. Christendom 15-round Heavyweight Smackdown.
Round 1: Crazed Fans Competition
Comic Con: Even Spiderman can’t believe it’s happening.
Papal Visit: The people on the parade route who did not wave flags with confusing esoteric symbols on them tended to wield huge banners with mixed messages.
Comic Con leads, 1-0.
Round 2: Sorcery Competition
Comic Con: Look at the perfect complexion on that porcelain Harry Potter figurine.
Papal Visit: Here, maybe the Popemobile will brush against these rosary beads.
2-0 Comic Con.
Round 3: Charismatic Leader Competition
Comic Con: Quiet, Stan is in the house.
Papal Visit: Is that him? Wait, yeah, I think I see him. No, that’s the glare from the Secret Service guy’s sunglasses.
Three in a row for Comic Con.
Round 4: Infernal Fire Competition
Comic Con: Hellboy was overrated.
Papal Visit: Now that’s what we call invoking Satan.
One for the Vatican. 3-1 Comic Con.
Round 5: Armageddon Competition
Comic Con: Nice special effects.
Papal Visit: That’s the most apocalyptic doomsayer they can come up with?
4-1 Comic Con.
Round 6: Multicultural Moment Competition
Comic Con: Stan Lee and Hiroyuki Takei team up to create the Manga comic Ultimo.
Papal Visit: Intrepid Benedict drops in at the Park East Synagogue. Shalom to the max.
The Pope fights back. 4-2 Comic Con.
Round 7: Security Guard Competition
Comic Con: Star Wars Stormtroopers.
Papal Visit: Fat NYPD officers with too many badges.
Why didn’t he bring these guys?
Comic Con leads, 5-2.
Round 8: Ass-Kicking Competition
Comic Con: The Incredible Hulk.
Papal Visit: A lonely and isolated anti-Pope demonstrator gets clubbed in the face with a tambourine.
6-2 Comic Con.
Round 9: Virginal Geeks Competition
Comic Con: Yes, they laugh at things like this at 9 in the morning.
Papal Visit: But Benedict fills St. Patrick’s with them at 9 in the morning.
6-3 Comic Con. The Pope has an outside chance, but he needs a knockout.
Round 10: Uncomfortable Sexual Dysfunction Competition
Comic Con: Beavis and Butthead humor.
Papal Visit: Benedict tried to talk to the extended families of 6,000 people diddled by clergy.
Excellent round for the Pope. Still 6-4 Comic Con.
Round 11: Gratuitous “God Bless America” Competition
Comic Con: In Gotham, no less.
Papal Visit: Yes, it’s there every day.
7-4 Comic Con.
Round 12: Merchandise Hustling Competition
Comic Con: Who can beat Todd Rundgren as Jesus?
Papal Visit: Certainly not this guy.
8-4 Comic Con. Pulling away.
Round 13: Que Es Mas Gay? Competition
Comic Con: Aquaman always did seem a little too tight in the groin area. He really has no equals.
Papal Visit: Nice try, though.
9-4 and Comic Con is coasting.
Round 14: Making a Fashion Statement Competition
Comic Con: Papal people don’t do vinyl.
Papal Visit: They hung some signs and that was it.
10-4 Comic Con. Pope needs a knockout.
Round 15: Commemorative T-Shirt Competition
Comic Con: Any time you have to use the Statue of Liberty, you’re in trouble.
Papal Visit: I went to Yankee Stadium and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
He wins a late round but can’t finish off the comix. 10-5 Comic Con and we’re not that surprised. John Paul II would have creamed these guys.