Asheville, N.C. — Hillary Clinton bolted from a political briefing in her hotel room late last night, snatched a gun from one of her Secret Service bodyguards, and went on a shooting rampage, killing all the residents of eight states and two offshore territories while screaming “If I can’t have you, nobody will!”

She was finally subdued after gunning down the last voting-age citizen on the tiny Pacific island of Guam, which represented only nine available delegates.

“We hadn’t even mentioned Guam in the briefing,” said a shaken Maggie Williams, the campaign manager who was the last to speak to Clinton before she went berserk. “Howard (Wolfson) was finishing up his analysis of Indiana, and Hillary got very quiet. She was sitting on the edge of the bed and rocking back and forth. She seemed to be in her own private world. I said ‘Hillary, are you okay?’ And she gave me this look. I never saw that look before. She became this other person. I didn’t know. None of us knew.”

Former president Bill Clinton was campaigning in Pennsylvania at the time of the incident, so he didn’t arrive until Hillary had already been heavily medicated and strapped into a strait-jacket. He visited with her for about ten minutes, then emerged from the Guam Naval Hospital to address waiting reporters. With pursed lips and watery eyes, the former president said, “We would like to express our sincere regret to the 689 people who died in this—“

Clinton was then interrupted by an aide.

“Excuse me, that was the delegate count in the remaining primaries. We would like to express our sincere regret to the 41 million, 421 thousand people who died tonight. All I can say is that Hillary never intended for any of you to be involved in this. This should have been over on February 5th, and it’s a flaw in our system of electing presidents that it wasn’t finished that day. We’d especially like to apologize to Montana and South Dakota, because your votes wouldn’t have mattered either way.”

Clinton then left the podium and was followed by David Kendall, representing the law firm of Williams and Connolly, who announced that, in view of Hillary being mentally disabled and therefore entitled to punitive damages, and in view of the adult voting population in the remaining states being dead, he would file motions in the courts to declare the previously uncounted votes in Florida and Michigan, which would make Hillary the pre-emptive winner of the Democratic nomination.

“You have to understand the nuance of this,” said Kendall.