48 A.D., Antioch
Paul is hanging out with Barnabas. Enter Peter.

Paul: What the—?!

Peter: Surprise!

Barnabas: I thought you never left J-town.

Peter: Look, we don't have much time. James is ten minutes behind me and he's pissed.

Paul: Don't start.

Peter: I changed my mind.

An awkward silence.

Barnabas: Changed your mind about what?

Peter: You know, the penis issue.

Paul: Too late, we went over that. We're not cutting penises.

Peter: Well, I think you have to grow up and face the penis. Abraham cut penises, we can't stop doing it now.

Paul stares hard.

Barnabas: Don't look at me. I don't have a dog in this fight.

Paul: That's because you don't have to worry about it!

Peter: Exactly. Because Barnabas took care of business.

Paul: He took care of it when he was eight days old! It's just some kind of repressed childhood trauma to him.

Peter: Talk to James. But I'm telling you he's not giving in on penises.

Paul (to Barnabas): Go find Titus, tell him to get his ass over here. I want these guys to see how stupid this is.

Barnabas: Yeah, okay, cool.

Exit Barnabas. On his way out he brushes against James.

James: Barnabas! My bro!

Barnabas: Yeah, uh, later, man, I gotta run.

James looks around the room, nods at Paul. An icy silence.

James: So Peter told you?

Paul: Why are you doing this?

James: My brother, the Christ, Son of Man and Son of God—

Paul: No no no no no no no no no NO! You are NOT gonna play the "my brother" card.

James: He was my brother, okay?

Paul: So what? He loved everybody.

James: Yeah, but I'm the only guy who ever saw his penis.

Paul: I can't believe I'm hearing this.

James: We were kids, it was a hot day, we were hanging out at the river, I wasn't trying to—

Paul: Stop! Don't tell me.

James: Anyway, it was obvious his penis was . . . you know.

Paul: Yes, he was a Jew, I know that. He was a Jew and I'm a Jew and you're a Jew.

James: Wouldn't you say he's pretty much the most important Jew?

Paul: Look, we've got people here who don't know the difference between Abraham and Abe Abramowitz.

James: Who's Abe Abramowitz?

Paul: He sells falafel in the market. You mention the penis thing to these people and it sounds like those guys in Phrygia who lance the scrotum with a stick.

Peter: That's why you have to cut penises first and talk about it later.

Paul: Excuse me, but I'm not going to line everybody up for the foreskin gatherer and say "Look, you don't understand now, but you'll thank me for this later."

Peter: Well, the covenant is through the penis. God said cut the penis. Abraham cut the penis, and I'm sure it sounded pretty weird to him, too. If you look at the scripture on penis—

Paul: Would you stop saying "penis"?

Peter: You've always been a hothead.

Paul: I think you like saying "penis." They should name the penis after you.

Peter: What's that supposed to mean?

Paul: I've got gentiles practically running the church up here. Like Titus. I want you to meet Titus.

Peter: You're not gonna show us his penis, are you?

James: Actually I wouldn't mind taking a look—

Paul: It's an uncut penis, okay? You don't need to look at it.

James: How do you know that? Some people do it anyway.

Paul: Who would do that for no reason?

Peter: Crazy people!

Paul: God doesn't care about cutting the penis! God cares about cutting the heart.

James: Now that's grisly. And you think we're hardasses.

Barnabas slips into the room.

Paul: Did you get Titus?

Barnabas: He doesn't really want to . . .

Paul: Doesn't really want to what?

Barnabas: He refuses to come out of his room.

Paul: Oh, this is ridiculous, I'll get him.

Paul storms out of the room. Barnabas can see that something has happened.

Barnabas: So, did I miss anything?

James: What do you know about this Titus?

Barnabas: Well. Five-nine. Likes fish. Small ears.

James: Do you socialize with him?

Barnabas: Yes. No. I mean, sure, we've hung out.

James: Well, I don't want any more mixing with the uncut.

Barnabas: We don't really know who is cut or uncut, I mean—

Peter: Theologically speaking, it doesn't have anything to do with Titus. He might be a good person and everything. But we can't start making exceptions.

Barnabas: Well, you met him, right?

Peter: I, uh, which one was he?

Barnabas: Come on! Three a.m.! Half a cask of wine!

James: Peter! Is it true?

Peter: Naw, that can't be the same guy.

Paul bursts back into the room and paces around in an agitated state.

James: So?

Paul glares at him.

Peter: Is Titus coming?

Paul: Would you come to a meeting where two guys were talking about hacking an inch off your thing?

James: Look, we don't have to meet Titus. It's decided. This was really just a courtesy call. I wanted you to hear it from us. It's for the good of everyone.

Paul: Yeah, everyone except the twelve elders who are probably trying to buy armored crotch protectors off the legionaires.

Peter: Okay, stop. Focus. Practical matter: these people are showing up in Jerusalem.

Paul: What do you mean "these people"?

Peter: Your people. Titus types.

Paul: Yeah, so what?

Peter: They want Temple tours. Where do we put 'em? Outer court? Inner court?

Paul: Wherever they want.

Peter: But they're uncut!

Paul: How do you know? Do you check 'em?

Peter: Of course we don't check 'em.

Paul: Then don't ask, don't tell.

James: That's what's causing the morale problem. I'm not talking about it anymore. It's over. We've done it for 40 generations, we're doing it.

Paul: Is that your final answer?

James: That's my final answer.

Paul: Fine.

James: Fine.

Paul: I'm going to the nations.

Peter: What the hell does that mean?

Paul: I'm outta here. You can have your little church.

Peter: Why do you have to be so melodramatic? "The nations." You're taking a roadtrip. And you should. You need to cool off.

Paul: There are other places to do this.

James: Places more important than Jerusalem? Like what?

Paul: Like, uh, I don't know, I was thinking of Thessalonica.

James: Oh, I'm so jealous.

Peter: You don't have to go to Thessalonica.

James: Where's Thessalonica?

Paul: Maybe I'd be happier in Thessalonica.

James: Fine. You go to Thessalonica. We're sending a cutter.

Outside there's a loud bump and heavy footsteps running away.

Paul: What was that?

Barnabas opens the door and looks out.

Barnabas: I guess Titus was listening.

Paul: Titus goes with me.

James: Fine.

Peter: Fine.

Paul: You guys are unbelievable.

Paul storms out.

Peter: Don't forget to write!

James: What about you, Barnabas?

Barnabas: I'm flexible.

James: No drinking with Titus if you stay.

Barnabas: That's cool.

James: Peter, did you drink with Titus?

Peter: I can't recall at this time.

Barnabas: Did Paul really split?

James: Oh, don't worry. He's so deluded he thinks he can find some place where they never heard of penis-cutting.

The door opens. Paul walks back in.

James: My brother!

Paul: Anybody got a pen?