Don't Preach Krispy Kremes If You're Serving Stale 7-11 Cinnamon Rolls

By John Green

San Antonio, TX—Jim Briggens has developed a method for choosing what church he attends.

“Snacks ... snacks and potlucks,” the San Antonio native said, rubbing a hand over his generously rounded belly. “After all, man shall not live by the Word of God alone. We need carbs, as well as spiritual nourishment.”

After growing disillusioned with selecting churches on the basis of Bible teaching and quality of music, Briggens, an independent security guard, developed a formula which factors in the pre-service snacks and beverages, as well as food provided at potlucks and other church functions.

“I started to realize that I set my standards too low, and was settling for mediocrity. I found out there were churches offering Starbucks Coffee and Krispy Kreme donuts. It was a revelation, and my life hasn’t been the same since.”

Indeed, 20 pounds, and several pants sizes later, Briggens is an avid soldier in the “Perks War,” surfing from church to church, seizing the “loot.”

Briggens said he never felt guilty for attending church primarily for high-carb sugary snacks, despite numerous warnings from his doctor and friends.

“Heck no, pardon my French,” he said. “This is spiritual warfare, a battle for the souls of men. Churches have to do whatever it takes to win people for Jesus. No cost is too great. I’m just doing my part, helping encourage churches to maintain high standards.”

Briggens revealed that some churches use bait and switch tactics, luring people in with high-profile brand-name pastries and beverages, only to switch to supermarket baked goods and generic coffee at a later date.

“It’s despicable—the same kind of techniques that cults use, luring people in under false pretenses!” Briggens said, shaking his head in disgust. “If Jesus tasted some of that bad coffee, I know He would have tipped over the snack tables and driven some people out with a whip, just like He did with the moneychangers in the temple.”

As soon as a church lowers the quality of its pre-service snacks, Briggens knows that it is time to move on to greener pastures.

“I’ve had to change churches twelve times, just in the first five months of this year,” he said sadly. “It’s not easy of course, to pull up roots and leave, but sometimes you have to make the hard choices in life.”

Briggens said the experience has left him with a certain wariness that comes from the weight of experience. And, as is often the case in Christendom, differences are evident along denominational lines.

“Basically, the Baptist’s Sunday morning snacks aren’t worth squat, but they do have great potlucks,” he noted. “Pentecostals tend to have good sugary baked goods but no coffee. To get your higher quality coffees, like Starbucks or Seattle’s Best or Ruta Maya, you got to go to an Independent Bible church. Lutherans don’t have much to offer unless you count getting wine at communion every Sunday. Methodists have good ice cream socials. You do learn a few things when you are in the trenches like I am.”

In fact, he is preparing to launch a website where subscribers can log in and access the information.

“Basically, I got the idea from my wife,” Briggens said. “She was doing this ‘CouponSense’ thing where it showed you where all the best deals at the supermarkets were, and I thought ‘Why not do that for churches?’ I look at it as a real ministry to believers. I’m in touch with where the best places to worship are. Plus, I can alert people when churches go into decline so they don’t ever have to have a bad Sunday. They can just switch right over to a new church without missing a beat. I’m doing all the hard work so they don’t have to. All they have to do is pay a small membership price to cover my expenses.”

Of course, there is more at stake than coffee and donuts. Briggens showed off some of the “loot” that he has collected while visiting churches.

“This here is a Footprints in the Sand laminated bookmark I got at a small Baptist church in East Texas,” he said proudly. “Got this Hillsong CD at the Ever-Expanding Glory Pentecostal Church in Forth Worth, and this gay pride ribbon from the Episcopals. Oh, and check out this End-times Prophecy Timeline chart which unfolds out to a full six feet long. Got that one at John Hagee’s church here in San Antonio.

“I’ve got a whole room full of this stuff at home. Most of it’s kind of useless,” he conceded, “But still, you gotta admit it’s pretty cool that I got it all for free basically.”

To get a broader perspective, we contacted church growth expert, Professor Wilhelm Scheinburg of Fuller Theological Seminary.

“It’s not an entirely new phenomenon,” Scheinburg said. “Churches have been offering various enticements to attract members for years, but recently, things have escalated to dramatic new levels. Since growth numbers, particularly the megachurches, are coming primarily from membership transfers rather than from conversions, church members are a limited commodity. Because of this, there is a very high level of competition, and often one church will set a new precedent in what they are offering. Other churches have no choice but to follow suit. If things don’t change, I foresee that in the near future, the majority of a church’s missions budgets will be spent on attracting and retaining members.”

As for Briggens, he’s heading for Oklahoma this weekend for a round of conservative Baptist churches.

“Fertile ground, I hear tell,” he said. “When you can’t dance or drink, eating’s about the only vice most of ‘em have left—so they do it right! Besides, there’s this church in Tulsa that has started a ‘Croissants for Christ’ outreach ministry that I’m just dying to sample!”