(From the Pastoral Notes of Barack Obama)

By Joe Bob Briggs

News item [1]: WESTERVILLE, O. — Barack Obama defended same-sex civil unions Sunday by referring Christians against the practice to look at Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, which he contends supports gay civil unions.

For those who had trouble finding the pertinent verses that Senator Obama was referring to:

     Blessed are the swishy, for they will clothe us in the form of excitable fashion-design majors.
     Blessed are the queens, for they will overwhelm our iPods with Madonna remixes.
     Blessed are the cabana boys, for their Capri pants shalt cling to their bubble butts.
     Blessed are the toughies in black leather, for whom their wrist studs gleam as though illuminated by angels.
     Blessed are the plaid-shirted Sisters of Lesbos, whose thighs bulge with holiness.
     Blessed are the greatest hits of Cher, who was sent to you as a sign and a wonder and a special effect of the Lord.
     Gather ye together, all of ye, girly man and manly girl, all as one, in thy lofts and bath houses, and go ye forth unto all the nations, and multi—, uh, go ye forth unto all the nations and see that thy coffee blends and flavorings are preserved even unto the seventh generation, man and man, woman and woman, mixing together, one to another, two by two and three by seven, even the two-by-four with the brickhouse.
     And know that the Lord hath blessed thy union, girly man and manly girl, provided there be no poetry readings nor gator-dancing when drunk nor any of the abominations spoken of by the Seven-Headed Beast that emerges from Key West after closing time.
     And then a great multitude mumbled against the Lord, saying, Can these things be true?
     And he said, Don’t be jerks about it, okay?