By Joe Christian

While on vacation in Israel, you suddenly find yourself conscripted into the dark army of Apollyon.

After winning American Idol, a weeping Satan says, “It’s just nice to finally get some recognition.”

You wake up, go to church, have lunch with your cell group, and return home to find that your dog has disappeared but his bone collection is neatly arranged on the patio.

You attempt to call grandma from a payphone only to be instructed by the operator to insert 77,777 quarters for an “extra-galactic call.”

You use the number 666 to win the lottery and use the money to coax KISS out of retirement.

You Google the word “Christian” only to find all search results have disappeared.

You just spent your entire Friday night eating pizza and watching TBN’s latest Praise-a-Thon.

There’s a rush to pick up all the “free clothing in the streets.”

You now realize that Kirk Cameron really is the only person left who can save the world.

Every television channel airs live broadcasts of John Hagee explaining that you are now in the apocalypse.