By Joe Christian • Illustration by Diego Greco

St. Christopher, patron saint of travelers, has been relieved by the Vatican of his duty to protect passengers in motor vehicles. This is due to the fact that more lives are lost annually in traffic accidents than in war.

“St. Christopher was just too busy and he was letting to many people slip through the cracks,” said Cardinal Renato Martino who authored the Vatican decree. “The Church does not blame him but rather realizes he hasn’t been able to adapt to the realities of modern transport and we have now limited him to protect travelers on foot only.”

Word of the Vatican’s decision caused some outcry among traditional Catholics but most agree that St. Christopher is past his prime and needs to be replaced.

Instead of assigning a new patron saint the task of protecting the passengers of motor vehicles the Vatican has drawn up a new document which they refer to as the “10 Commandments for Drivers” to protect and govern motor vehicle passengers.

However, according to Vatican insiders, St. Christopher is the beginning of a drastic downsizing and reorganization of patron saints.

On condition of anonymity one Vatican official said, “With more than 5,000 patron saints, we have come to realize most are just unneeded. I mean who needs a patron saint for sleepwalkers and fruit dealers anymore? You think ConAgra needs a patron saint? Heck, they’ve got Congress in their back pocket! Or Haliburton? The process needs to be simplified because people don’t know who to pray to anymore.”

According to the Vatican’s plan—a modified version of the U.S. Congress “sunset commission”—patron saints who are failing at their duties will be “eternally released from their duty and sainthood.” However, famous saints who are failing at their duties, such as Mary Magdalen, patron saint against sexual temptation, will be given a second chance but have to carry new responsibilities left by the fired saints.

While the new plan promises to make prayer easier for Catholics, it is being met by fierce resistance from a number of the patron saints rumored to be on the termination list.

Saint Vitus, the long-time patron saint of comedians, sent a letter to the Pope upon hearing of his imminent firing. Christopher threatened “to cause a war in heaven” if the Vatican goes through with its plans.

Other patron saints are reacting differently. “They can’t fire me—it’s unfair,” said the crying patron saint of sleep walkers, Saint Dymphna, “I’ve done a great job of protecting sleepwalkers. When was the last time you were hurt sleep walking? The only problem is I don’t get a lot of prayers. It’s a numbers game with this new Pope.”