By Jennifer Morrow
Official Door Token Jew

You know you’re too Jewish if your map of "Greater Zion" has Beijing on it.

You know you're too Jewish if Joe Lieberman has kissed your baby.

You know you’re too Jewish if you put your profile on an online dating site and your first response is a general “Comments and Critiques” message from your Mother.

You know you're too Jewish if you're the fourth generation of your family to be inducted into the Friars Club.

You know you’re too Jewish if you think your Judaic Studies professor at Brandeis is a blasphemer.

You know you're too Jewish if you used a William Morris agent to book your six-year-old's appearance in the school play.

You know you're too Jewish when the last five girls you dated were named Sarah.

You know you’re too Jewish when the sixth girl was named Rachel.

You know you’re too Jewish if you stood outside Barnes & Noble at midnight waiting for the new Philip Roth novel.

You know you’re too Jewish if your idea of a power tool is an electric can opener.

You know you’re too Jewish if you’ve spent more than five minutes forcing a Gentile friend to describe the taste of fresh ham.

Editor's note: Jennifer, a 2007 graduate of Brandeis from Long Island who works for a major publishing company in New York, insisted that a Conservative Jew is required by her faith to flip-flop eternally. Hence:

You know you’re not Jewish ENOUGH if you don’t know every line to “Springtime for Hitler.”

You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve ever eaten a bacon cheeseburger. (If you accidentally discovered a few bits of pork mixed into your egg roll and then decided to throw it out, you’re STILL OKAY).

You know you’re not Jewish enough if all of your ancestors died peaceful, quiet, non-Cossack-related deaths.

You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve never felt a strange, primal desire to ravish Ben Stiller or Sarah Silverman.

You know you’re not Jewish enough if you never read the Hebrew text of your prayer book OR the English translation, but have committed the phonetic transliteration in between the two to memory.

You know you’re not Jewish enough if one of your high school achievements was a perfect score on the National Latin Exam.

You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve observed Madonna’s Kabbalah shenanigans and given her credit for TRYING.

You know you’re not Jewish enough if you “gripe” and “celebrate,” but never “kvetch” or “kvell.”

You know you’re not Jewish enough if you’ve experienced everything in the first part of this article but don’t actually go to temple.

NOTE: To change direction from one extreme to the other, just try calling your Mother more. Or less.