By Scott La Counte

Baby, you’re like a burning bush. I feel like Moses, all I want is a glimpse of the Promised Land.

You look like the whore of Babylon—and I mean that in a good way.

I would walk through the valley of the shadow of death if I thought my rod or staff could comfort you.

You look like Ruth from the Bible. She was a Christian—at least she would have been if she was born a few hundred years later. Are you a Christian? Because I only court Christians, and I’m very interested in courting you if your father says it’s okay.

Everything you say is moving my heart and I don’t think it’s just because you’re speaking in tongues. Is there an ancient language called Babe?

I used to believe only faith could make a sick person well until I saw you, because, baby, you just healed something deep inside me that I'd never let Benny Hinn touch.

Baby, the rapture's coming soon-let’s hold each other tight before the non-Christians wage war and kill us all.

I’m sure glad your mama was pro-life.

Let’s go back to my place—I've got the complete VeggieTales.

Bathsheba was naked before David, and that worked out in a totally Biblical way. I'm sure you'll be way more awesome than she was.

Hey, babe, if you were the mission, then I'd be a missionary.