By Adam Kenyon
If I were God, when people said things like “Too much information!” and “You know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout?” and "Don't go there!" and “Booyah!” it would be sharply painful both for the speaker and for anyone who laughed or chuckled as if it were funny. I mean, I wouldn’t stop free will or try to control people by not allowing them to say it. I would only make it hurt. So once in a while people would still use those phrases if it were really important to them. My plan would simply prevent it from getting out of hand like it is now.
If I were God, there would be these little automatic mechanisms in the universe where if somebody on a very humid and record hot day said something obnoxiously unoriginal like “Hot enough for ya?!” or if someone was wearing camouflage pants and another person said stupidly "Hey! I can't see your legs! Where did your legs go? Ha ha ha ha!" money would be teleported from their wallet or bank account into that of a charity or needy individual. Sometimes it would only be a buck or two and once in a while, if they were a repeat offender, it might be someone’s life savings. True, that could be a lot of money, but, one, they deserve it, and two, ultimately I am making it work for good. I mean, it’s not like I am making the money spontaneously combust in their pocket, which is what they really deserve. But the one law that I couldn’t help implementing would be that; if they laughed after they said it, a lot more money would be taken.
If I were God and there were record companies that required their music acts to repeat certain words and phrases that sounded religious because they knew they could sell more music to desperate, hurting people who were trying to be spiritual and if these companies did this without regard for the creative or artistic aspects of the music, that would probably be the kind of thing that would make me so wrathful I would have to go Old Testament and hit their office buildings with fiery and destructive meteorites. I would wait until all the regular employees were home and the executives wouldn’t get killed, but they would get a design that looked disturbingly similar to “Den of Thieves” burned into their skin somewhere in a place where only they could see it so it would give them time to think about what they’ve done.
Oh, and all the meteorites would hit all those Christian record companies on the same night so that speculation and theories would abound.
If I were God, and, say, hypothetically, there was a clueless manager at a huge retail corporation who was constantly saying things to suggest that helping the corporation by increasing profits was some kind of virtuous goal, or that doing so actually had some type of eternal significance, and if this manager frequently said things to the employees like "Yeah, but that's the second time you've been three minutes late this week, it's not fair to everyone else, I really need to know that you are committed to the business, I really need to see an increase in discipline and some elevation in your work ethic” or if that manager was constantly making jokes that weren't really jokes because they were always related in some idiotic way to the job, for example, if he were to make a "joke" about one of the employees submitting a report with no column header as if it were as unthinkable, inappropriate and as ridiculous as showing up to work wearing nothing but a half dozen sticky notes, if there was a fool like that in my world, Holy Hell! would that guy feel the Wrath!