By Tamara Jaffe-Notier
Wittenburg Door News Service—At a brief appearance at a recent revival service, the Lord Jesus begged attendees to please stop lifting Him higher.
The crowd gathered at Grace Central Tabernacle in Climax, NC, was gratified and astonished when Jesus appeared at the podium briefly abandoned by the evangelist who was walking up and down the aisles.
The audience had been singing “Lift Jesus higher, yes, higher” when Jesus grabbed the mike and forcefully declared, “Honestly, people, I am sick and tired of being lifted higher! You have been lifting me higher in this Tabernacle every summer for 45 years now, and you still kick Roy the homeless guy off the grounds whenever you see him taking a snooze under the oak tree. How about you lift Roy higher and just let him sleep? Anyone who could sleep through the racket you make in these services deserves a medal—and you all are going to be serving him at the big banquet when the sun goes down anyway, so you should get to know him a bit.
“OK, he drinks too much, but your evangelist’s wife is at home snorting coke with your Conference Superintendent’s wife right now, and that doesn’t seem to bother you too much. That’s how she stays nice and thin, not by relying on Me like she claims in that Christian Compulsive Overeaters group every Saturday.”
At this point, observers claimed, a confused murmur rippled through the SRO crowd, but Jesus continued, apparently undeterred.
“And yes, she claims I gave her the material for her book Jesus Wants You Beautiful, but it was actually her hairdresser’s idea,” Jesus said. “And I’m just sick and tired of all you people claiming I live in your imagination. I live at the right hand of the Father, and that’s as high as I need to be. I’m about to collapse from the exhaustion of being lifted higher.”
A few parishioners apparently left in a snit in this point, but Jesus was not finished yet.
“Also, please stop singing ‘All I Want is You’ when for the vast majority of the individuals here it is a bald-faced lie,” He said. “It’s true that old Brother Jonah in the middle of the back pew and little sister Grace up here in the children’s row only want Me. Neither one of them has been asking for the crap all the rest of you want. You want more free time, more sex, some sex, a new job, more power, a boat, to catch your limit, to win the game, to find that cell phone you lost last week—so stop singing that all you want is Me when you don’t mean it.”
By now, more than half of the congregation had angrily filed out. Jesus responded by turning and staring directly at the evangelist, Jimmy Robertson.
“Jimmy, my brother, you know exactly what I want,” Jesus said quietly, “now you get back up here and tell these folks how to love their enemies and visit the people in prison ... and I did not say preach at the people in prison, or judge the people in prison—they’ve obviously already been judged—just visit the people in prison. And if you start visiting them, and maybe play some poker with them, then pretty soon you will hear Me talking to you, because that’s where I hang out. At least you’ll get better at poker and maybe you’ll think twice about praying for a better hand next time. I gotta go now. Some guys in Guantanamo are waiting for me.”
Revival meetings were cancelled for the rest of the week and at last report 23 members of local Climax churches had registered as “non-family visitors” at the nearby prison in Greensboro.
Evangelist Robertson was “ministering to the infirm in Bermuda” and unavailable for comment, according to his Dallas-based press representative.