Noah's Blog

07/09/2008


Day 1
Rain.

Day 2
Rain.

Day 3
Rain.

Day 4
Rain.

Day 5
Rain.

Day 6
So I was loading up the last of the animals last week when I walk past my neighbor Roger, the Molech-worshipper. He looks up and says "Hey, looks like rain."

True story.

Day 7
Now wondering if it was wrong to have borrowed Roger’s hedge clippers.

Day 15
It’s been the same every day for the last two weeks, but then last night, our mama elephant gave birth. I’ll put up some pics soon.

Day 16
Baby Elephant
Just look at this little guy. We need to name him something. Anybody have an idea?

Day 18
Note to self: next time I’m on a long cruise and I want to play badminton and I only have one birdie, play below deck. I’m so stupid.

Day 20
I hesitate to write this down, but here goes. . . .

I was working late last night when I felt something bite the back of my neck. Without thinking, I slapped it. Long story short, the new world might have to do without the zhingi-zhingi fly.

Day 25
New Year’s Day. A few resolutions for this year:

- Lose weight (let’s face it, I’m not 300 years old anymore)

- Work out more

- Read the entire Bible (there’s only four chapters in the whole thing, you think I would have done this one already)

-After we land, once a week: date night with the missus.

Day 27
Not to diss my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, but I’ve been hanging out with animals a lot, too, and I think I would have named some of them differently…

ADAM’S NAME MY VERSION
Rabbit Hoppity-hoppity

Dog Rowrf

Bat EEEEEEEEEE!!!

Duck Waddle-waddle-flap-flap

Day 31
You guys read this blog. You know I love my wife, right? But I swear, sometimes she just gets on my nerves.

"The roof is leaking, Noah."

"Noah, the sheep are soaking wet because the roof is leaking."

You know what? Sometimes Noah just needs a little Noah Time, okay?

Day 35
Here’s an item from the "you-learn-something-every-day" category: Hippo lovemaking is very, very noisy. Haven’t slept in five days.

P.S. I counted every knot in the cypress wood of the ship: 12,946.

Day 39
Uno Cards
Somehow Ham keeps winning at UNO. Does he have a secret stash of Draw 4’s?

Correction: Earlier I wrote that the wood of our ship has 12,946 knots. However, I forgot to include the cover on the top deck. I included that, then recounted the entire thing three more times, just to be sure.

We have 14,598 knots.

Day 45
Okay, so when God said he would make it rain forty days and forty nights, I assumed that we would be done after that. Apparently I was wrong.

Day 87
Very, very wrong.

Day 110
The wife says I’m getting paranoid, but I believe the primates are conspiring to mutiny. Can’t talk, more later.

Day 150
We’ve landed on top of some kind of mountain. More later.

Day 190
Sent out a dove, but it came back.

Day 197
Noah Dove
This time, the dove came back with an olive branch. Going now to ask the wife if she has any recipes with doves and olives.

Day 204
Sent the dove out again today to bring back some more olives for dinner, but it didn’t come back. So good news is we may be off the boat and onto dry land soon. Bad news: Mrs. Noah’s Greek Dove Souffle is a no-go.

Day 231
So we’re on land now. Yay! Big thanks to everybody who wrote to check on us. BTW, my new e-mail address is noah@mtararat.com. I’ll still post from time to time, to keep you guys up to date. To answer a question that so many of you have asked, no, I don’t have a MySpace page yet.

Man, I could really use a drink.

 

Cush’s Essay
Here’s something my grandson Cush wrote for a school assignment. . . .

MY DAD
by Cush, age 7

My dad, his first name is Ham, was on a big boat one time. They floated around for more than a year. That’s a long time!! They said when they got off the boat, the ground was really squishy. YUCK! We still have the boat and I play in it sometimes and have lots of fun.

The eNd.

 

Noah’s Favorite Drinks

Drowned Unicorn
Cranberry juice 1 pim
Orange juice 1 pim
Strawberry schnapps 1 pim
Vodka 1 pim

Add the vodka and strawberry schnapps to a highball glass filled with ice cubes. Use equal parts of cranberry and orange juice to fill the glass. Serve with a straw.

 

Mt. Ararat Iced Tea
Tequila 1 shekel
Vodka 1 shekel
Gin 1 shekel
Triple sec 1 shekel
Coke 1 shekel
Rum 1 shekel

Mix ingredients together over ice in a glass.

 

Rainbow Shooter
Creme De Noya 1 pim
Midori 1 pim
White Creme De Cacao 1 pim

Pour into shot glass in said order

 

Ark Mania!
Everybody’s been writing me, asking for blueprints. Honestly, I didn’t have any. If you’ve read the story, you know everything about building an ark that I do. I will say this: don’t skimp on the pitch. Seriously.

Thanks to everyone who’s been sending in pics of the arks they’ve built (see below). Keep ‘em coming!

About Noah’s Blog

NOAH
Because of Noah’s righteousness, God chose him to be part of an incredible adventure. You can read more about him in Genesis, chapters 5-9.

MATTHEW PORTER
Answering a vague--and badly misspelled--post on craigslist, Matthew became a part of making Noah’s story into the blog you’re reading now.


Comments(109)

Mark | 11:02 pm on 7/09/2008

Hilarious. Really enjoyed it.

Bryan | 02:14 pm on 8/23/2009

Now here is an exciting blog...Christian ponzi

http://www.benedictionblogson.com/

p90x workout | 02:15 am on 5/06/2011

The Successful Tips belonging to the P90 X Muscle Confusion Workout

The greatest aspect regarding the P 90x work out schedule is that it applies 5 unique workout routines inside of a thirteen week plan. Tony Horton, the trainer that developed this workout program, designed at the same time a simple yet effective and for several, by the numbers, in home workout plan.

Anonymous | 05:33 pm on 11/28/2009

Love Moses for that writing...

regalos romanticos | 09:22 am on 1/21/2011

To sit in chair with a beer!

PTP | 11:55 pm on 7/09/2008

Brilliant! Thanks for the laughs.

The High and the Mighty | 03:15 pm on 7/10/2008

Don't forget Day 235:"Plant A Vineyard".Day 365:"Harvest the Grapes;Turn Them Into wine;Get Plastered!!".
Day 366:"Try To Put The Make On Daughter In Law!!Get Youngest Son Angry Enough To Threaten To Kill Me!!Get Youngest Son Banished!!".

kjml | 12:32 am on 7/10/2008

Hilarious! I can't wait to try the drink recipes!

The Lutherdor | 12:43 am on 7/10/2008

What? No Noah nude pix? :-(

The Natural One | 08:44 am on 7/11/2008

Leave e-mail, will send n00ds

aaron | 01:06 am on 7/10/2008

this is the funniest thing i've seen on the door in a while. well done!

josie | 09:16 am on 3/02/2011

Thats really funny! There was a similar gag on this blog that I thought was funny.

wotthe7734 | 02:19 am on 7/10/2008

The naked Noah pix are still at the developer's. Remeber, this is in the days before digital cameras, Polaroid, or even One-Day Service at Fotomat.

that calvinist doug | 03:25 pm on 7/10/2008

Having nudie-pix carved into rocks, all Fred Flinstone-like, just isn't as gratifying.

wotthe7734 | 02:21 am on 7/10/2008

I meant "remember." No matter how many times I proofread, I always catch that one last typo a fraction of a second AFTER I hit the Post button.

d50player | 07:53 am on 7/10/2008

"Man, I could really use a drink."

Now THAT'S funny!

Slider | 08:07 am on 7/10/2008

I thought the guy who built the Ark was named Evan.

deAnn | 08:23 am on 7/10/2008

This is genius!! I'd like to see King David's blog. Uh huh, that's what I'm talking about. :0)

Anonymous | 09:53 am on 7/10/2008

You have to check Ham's facebook blog for naked pics of Noah...

"It was a crazy one man party for my dad after we finally got off that damn boat."

M.joshua Cauller | 10:19 am on 7/10/2008

Hilarious!

Jason | 10:36 am on 7/10/2008

Noah's Blog was the funniest thing I've read in a while. If it wouldn't be laboring the idea overmuch, someone could write God's Blog. Day 1: Created the heavens and earth today. I'm sooo bored. Do you ever feel like nothing you do really matters that much? Oh well.

Anonymous | 02:15 pm on 7/11/2008
Darren | 12:50 pm on 7/10/2008

I found my self laughing and looking for more... this is a great blog!

Kutcher | 01:48 pm on 7/10/2008

Ok, so I just sent this all over the office. Nice work, Porter!

Amy | 02:46 pm on 7/10/2008

This was so funny! My favorite parts were "Long story short, the new world might have to do without the zhingi-zhingi fly" and "Waddle-waddle-flap-flap"...those made me literally lol! Great job, Matthew!

60613 | 04:45 pm on 7/10/2008

Great stuff - many laughs.
Thanks!

mountainguy | 08:55 pm on 7/10/2008

In the ark, alcoholic beverages were only for >400 year old people?

CowboyKate | 03:38 am on 7/11/2008

I keep telling everybody Craigslist rocks!^)

Nice work, MP!

Raffi Shahinian | 10:53 am on 7/11/2008

Nice one. Here's another one you guys might enjoy. Jesus' Twitter Updates, Holy Week, 30 A.D.

Grace and Peace,
and Laughter,
Raffi Shahinian
Parables of a Prodigal World

UNCLE KENNY | 11:08 am on 7/11/2008

Just when I was about to give up on The Door ever being funny again, someone finally proves there are a few writers left that can still do great satire. FANTASTIC!

Edward T. Babinski | 07:10 pm on 7/12/2008

NOAH'S ARK STORY as told via
STARSHIP CAPTAIN entries in the CAPTAIN'S LOG
can be read in an award winning short story by

JAMES MORROW,
"BIBLE STORIES FOR ADULTS"

Also, PHILIP D. APPLEMAN has a funny long poem titled "Noah" in his book, LET THERE BE LIGHT

And there's a great online piece, THE IMPOSSIBLE VOYAGE OF NOAH'S ARK.

Mom | 06:37 pm on 7/13/2008

Hilarious, Honey. Nice to see that all those years of Sunday School have paid off :) Love Ya!!

BJ | 08:32 am on 7/15/2008

Caution: After a few rainbow shooters the sheep start looking very attractive.

BJ | 08:33 am on 7/15/2008

When drinking the Mt Ararat Tea remind yourself that it really is a camel toe.

F'ing Andrew | 08:23 am on 7/17/2008

Perhaps the Internet was created for just such a spoof as this.

God said to Noah, "I want you to blog-y, blog-y"
God said to Noah, "I want you to blog-y, blog-y"
"Make me laugh *clap* and keep men amuse-y, amuse-y,
Post it on the 'Door

Joel | 10:25 am on 7/23/2008

Funny stuff. Got one for Daniel?

SRebbe | 08:38 pm on 7/23/2008

flantastic! will have to send these to the ppl back down in Nicaragua. yep, sometimes Noah just needs a little Noah time. yes, memories of VBS.

now for that drink...

Tiff | 03:30 pm on 7/24/2008

Oh my god, soooo funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Catherine, in Seattle | 07:54 pm on 7/31/2008

Anyone name the baby elephant yet? What about "Hitchens"?

[hides behind curtains]

Dave A | 09:18 am on 8/01/2008

I'm trying to make these Noah drinks and wondering if anyone knows of an online measurement converter for pims and shekels to ounces or liters?

Anonymous | 04:19 pm on 10/13/2008

Wonderful!
Marvelous!
Amen.

DannyG | 06:19 pm on 10/19/2008

This is too funny. In addition, I'm taking Disciple I in an experimental, online version. I will share with the online group. Thanks.

Anonymous | 02:37 am on 11/21/2008

epicccc. loved it.

GOD | 08:44 am on 11/23/2008

Hi Noah,

You've been a bad boy...what's with the drinking of hard spirits,remember I told you to drink wine...oh,and what's with putting the make on Ham's wife,you know that's a no-no...don't you have something better to do with your time,besides writing silly blogs....have you read the bible lately?....

I've been pondering making it rain again...what kind of shape is the ark in these days?....with environmental laws and such these days,you will have to install a marine sewage treatment system...no more shoveling all that crap overboard....been looking at the BioCompact sewage treatment system,seems like it will work...here's a link to their website, http://www.ship-technology.com/contractors/desalination/biocompact/
check it out,then order it and put it on my account,I'll send you a purchase order # for this job tomorrow.....

BTW,there are some new creatures out there that will need rounding up,you know evolution and all...

Hope the misses,kids,grandkids,great grandkids and all there offspring are doing fine...remember who answers your prayers for you...until I see you again...cheers and keep those prayers coming.

The best to you Noah,

GOD (aka boomer)

Joel Spencer | 10:41 pm on 12/17/2008

Fantastic! I love this site.

Joysie | 11:15 am on 12/22/2008

Y'all are on my Faves list for a Reason! :-) thanks!

Anonymous | 07:30 am on 1/10/2009

I live in a large village and have built many homes but does anyone ever call me Lars the carpenter? I have a boat and every day I go to the lake and cast my nets and catch many, many fish but does anyone ever call me Lars the fisherman? I have a fast car and compete in many races and have won many times but does anyone ever call me Lars the racer? I put out many fires since I volunteer with the village fire department but does anyone ever call me Lars the fireman? I work at the hospital emergency room and have saved many lives but does anyone ever call me Lars the life saving hero. Now let me come out of the barn zipping up my pants being followed by a sheep……..

Huggy Kat | 08:50 am on 2/07/2009

What a scream! Well done! Very very funny! Thanks!

BillyG | 03:43 pm on 2/19/2009

Hilarious! Very creative, great job!

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