Justice Roy Moore Posts Ten Commandments of Driving

02/06/2008

By David Sklar • Illustration by Jerry King

Former Justice Roy Moore of Alabama has opened a campaign to post the Vatican’s new Ten Commandments of Driving in local traffic courts across America.

“These commandments are the basis of all our traffic laws,” Moore explained. “Even if they were just drafted in June. Y’see … um … aw, heck, I can’t explain it. If I were Catholic, maybe I could, but it’d probably be in Latin.”

Moore has met with resistance from the American Civil Liberties Union, who insist that if the Ten Command-ments of Driving are displayed, then fairness demands equal time to the Besmele of Parking Restrictions and the Sevenfold Rede of Four-Way Stops.

Because the Ten Commandments of Driving are specifically a Catholic document, it has been suggested that the courthouse also display the Dietary Restrictions of Drinking and Driving and the Ninety-five Theses of Traffic Circles.

Asked whether the naming of these road rules cheapens the liturgy, a Vatican spokesman said, “Absolutely not! Um … maybe a few years back it would’ve, but since we got caught covering up for a couple of allegedly too-frisky priests, this kind of silliness is a step up for the Church. The Ten Command-ments of Driving are our way of showing we’re young and hip, and they’re just the tip of the wingtip. Imagine—the Lord’s Prayer of Hedge Fund Management, the Beatitudes of Table Etiquette—‘blessed are the salad forks’—and the Golden Rule of Sexual Harassment in the Workplace.”

A piece of 23rd Century textual exegesis that fell through a rift in the space-time continuum questions whether these commandments were drafted ex cathedra and, if so, whether they apply retroactively to drivers of horse-drawn carriages and dogsleds.

Asked for comment, the Vatican produced Paul’s Epistle to the Time Travelers, which does not address whether women should speak in church but does contain instructions on when to rest if the seventh day falls midweek.

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