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DISCUSSJesus Weary of Being Lifted Higher
02/06/2008By Tamara Jaffe-Notier
Wittenburg Door News Service—At a brief appearance at a recent revival service, the Lord Jesus begged attendees to please stop lifting Him higher.
The crowd gathered at Grace Central Tabernacle in Climax, NC, was gratified and astonished when Jesus appeared at the podium briefly abandoned by the evangelist who was walking up and down the aisles.
The audience had been singing “Lift Jesus higher, yes, higher” when Jesus grabbed the mike and forcefully declared, “Honestly, people, I am sick and tired of being lifted higher! You have been lifting me higher in this Tabernacle every summer for 45 years now, and you still kick Roy the homeless guy off the grounds whenever you see him taking a snooze under the oak tree. How about you lift Roy higher and just let him sleep? Anyone who could sleep through the racket you make in these services deserves a medal—and you all are going to be serving him at the big banquet when the sun goes down anyway, so you should get to know him a bit.
“OK, he drinks too much, but your evangelist’s wife is at home snorting coke with your Conference Superintendent’s wife right now, and that doesn’t seem to bother you too much. That’s how she stays nice and thin, not by relying on Me like she claims in that Christian Compulsive Overeaters group every Saturday.”
At this point, observers claimed, a confused murmur rippled through the SRO crowd, but Jesus continued, apparently undeterred.
“And yes, she claims I gave her the material for her book Jesus Wants You Beautiful, but it was actually her hairdresser’s idea,” Jesus said. “And I’m just sick and tired of all you people claiming I live in your imagination. I live at the right hand of the Father, and that’s as high as I need to be. I’m about to collapse from the exhaustion of being lifted higher.”
A few parishioners apparently left in a snit in this point, but Jesus was not finished yet.
“Also, please stop singing ‘All I Want is You’ when for the vast majority of the individuals here it is a bald-faced lie,” He said. “It’s true that old Brother Jonah in the middle of the back pew and little sister Grace up here in the children’s row only want Me. Neither one of them has been asking for the crap all the rest of you want. You want more free time, more sex, some sex, a new job, more power, a boat, to catch your limit, to win the game, to find that cell phone you lost last week—so stop singing that all you want is Me when you don’t mean it.”
By now, more than half of the congregation had angrily filed out. Jesus responded by turning and staring directly at the evangelist, Jimmy Robertson.
“Jimmy, my brother, you know exactly what I want,” Jesus said quietly, “now you get back up here and tell these folks how to love their enemies and visit the people in prison ... and I did not say preach at the people in prison, or judge the people in prison—they’ve obviously already been judged—just visit the people in prison. And if you start visiting them, and maybe play some poker with them, then pretty soon you will hear Me talking to you, because that’s where I hang out. At least you’ll get better at poker and maybe you’ll think twice about praying for a better hand next time. I gotta go now. Some guys in Guantanamo are waiting for me.”
Revival meetings were cancelled for the rest of the week and at last report 23 members of local Climax churches had registered as “non-family visitors” at the nearby prison in Greensboro.
Evangelist Robertson was “ministering to the infirm in Bermuda” and unavailable for comment, according to his Dallas-based press representative.
Exactly!
Great Article for Lent
Beautiful. Thank you.
Way to go! I wish I had written this piece! Oooh, I LOVE the part about the "All I want is You" song!
Hallaluja.
I'm sorry, but in my opinion the headline was the best part of this story and it was all downhill from there. The point, while valid, could have been made in lots of other humorous ways, not to mention a less-preachy tone.
Have a blessed day.
Already feeling guilty,
At first I liked your response...
but then you started typing.
"Have a blessed day" ...
does that come with fries?
Love your stuff! We in "nice", small evangelical type churches could easily say "Right on, Jesus. Give it to them." But are we doing the things Scripture tells us to do? Not always, and not always first priority.
P.S. Priscilla--we hope to see your mother at our Special Seniors luncheon on the 11th, at Salem Church.
Love, Doug (& Lyra)
Sorry--wrong sister. We saw Priscilla & Kieth recently at Miwinter Conference. They tell me that they will be relocating this summer/fall.
Tamara,
Good article. What you are touching on here is the vapid weakness of so many "West Coast" style praise bands. They seem to actually worship weakness, I believe. With a weak voice, a high pitch, a breathless manner they express the supine while standing somehow. It is because of the pastor's doctrine. He must, also it seems, worship a god of weakness. Not Joshua's God. Not Moses' God. Not the bible's God. But as you believe your God to be, so you will worship. If you believe in Christian escapology, you'll have very weak praise. (That would be escaping all Christian responsibility.) You can even tell by the prayers: "Jesus, just...just...just...just...do it all, 'cause we're too weak!" In a weak church, you will find it hard to locate a man with a deep, manly voice. All that is left are whispy, gelded, pear-body wonder boys. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but hey -- this is Wittenburg, after all!
Robert,
I just forwarded your post to Rick Warren. He's coming over to kick your ass, OT style!
Thanks Doug,
But I just copied this from one of Rick Warren's websites:
"If you want to have a healthy physical body, you don’t have to guess about how to get in shape – you can follow guidelines or models that include a well-balanced diet and exercise. To grow a healthy church, you don’t have to guess either..."
And he STILL has a pear body, so I ain't worried.
And thinking about Pastor Warren, my guess is he could get in manly shape simply by smoking 20 cigars a day, eating nothing and watching the X-Men Trilogy for a month.
Ya' think?
I've always been partial to Gladiator and the Bourne flicks.
Good one TCD.
Wow dude! Must be that you are MORE saved than me.
What a meat-head, sanctimonious sack of self serving hog-wash.
Good article! Good jab at the whole user-friendly/"seeker-friendly" church movement. I've been concerned for quite awhile that the whole "seeker-friendly" church movement might have a downside, which would be, IMO, to "de-fang" the Gospel, which is, or should be, if correctly shared, an offense to many hearers, and not "seeker-friendly". It's also a good jab at the vapid "praise and worship" music that so many churches have gone to. What a travesty that some churches have left behind traditional hymnody altogether! My dad calls a lot of the recent choruses "7-11 choruses"--the same seven words repeated 11 times.
One thing, though: While Tamara is certainly right that many who sing "All I Want Is You" should quit because they don't really mean it, the fact is that if everyone in church stops singing and saying stuff they don't really mean, our churches would pretty much fall silent. And that's nothing new--it's been true since day one. For example, we wouldn't dare sing "Take my silver and my gold/Not a mite would I withhold" or "All to Jesus I surrender/All to Him I freely give...I surrender all...," because, let's be honest, most of us don't really mean that--never did. Nor would we ever dare to pray the Lord's Prayer, because of that pesky passage in which we say, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." There are plenty of us, myself included, that pray that prayer without really meaning it more often than I would like to admit. Like I tell folks from time to time (I'm a pastor), if God would really answer that prayer, most of us would be royally screwed!
Pastor Andy,
God bless you for your blessed self-awareness. I didn't think God allowed it in pastors. (Ha. That's a joke.) As for the worship of weakness and vapid praise: It's everywhere...except, of course, heaven. In heaven is a Jesus who once said...in Luke 19:27 (Amplified) “[The indignant king ended by saying] But as for these enemies of mine who did not want me to reign over them – bring them here and slaughter them in my presence!” When did Jesus become politically – oops I mean – religiously incorrect? Or is it the wayward church?
You clearly didn't read the news report that hell has been suspended. If you did, then you'd know that Jesus is sitting up there right now listening to the 163rd chorus of some Michael W. Smith song, performed by some whispy, androgenous, metrosexual angel named Pat.
Ok now the 4th chapter of the book of revelation make perfect sence
Don't know much about seeker churches. Just know the traditional ones are a bit vapid too. I am not sure which is more vapid the modern 7-11 praise music or the traditional dirges and warbling sapranos. Don't get me wrong, I like a good requiem - full of emotion - but the 7-11 stuff has a good beat and you can dance to it.
Got agree with the just going to jails to visit. Christians seem quick to do the John 3:16 sort proselytizing and forget that hard stuff like loving people. To me 1st John 3:16 is the more meaningful verse.
Be careful what you ask for with respect to saying what you mean. I am not sure Jesus even bought his own schtick. All that weeping and sobbing "take this cup from me." Come on, it was easy for him to lay-down his life, as God's best boy (son, God himself? ) he knew he wasn't really dead, so wasn't it just an empty gesture similar to all that singing?
Just an observation from "the other side"
PS As an atheist, I still think Jesus mythical life (as an archetype) is spot on. I consider myself a Christian sans deity.
Mike, with all due respect my friend, to say that it was "easy" for Jesus to lay down his life? If you knew you were going to be beaten, flogged, have spikes driven through your wrists and feet, hang on a rough wooden cross for HOURS, all the while suffocating, have someone pierce you with a spear, and oh yeah, have the God of the universe pour all his wrath against sin upon innocent you in hell for three days, you think that'd be easy?
Regarding your last comment; to say that you can be a Christian sans deity is like my saying that I'm a fan of U2 except that I don't like their music. To have Jesus as only a role model is to miss the point entirely.
i once tried to arrange a small group of not-necessarily-christian-musicians to visit a prison and when i talked to the guy in charge and he asked what kind of music and i said well, folk i guess. he said, don't you do rap or anything like that? well, being pretty white i said, uh, no.(plus did i mention not just white but young and naive?) anyway, he took a pass. but there are all kinds of prisoners, not just the ones in jail, to visit. thanks for a lovely reminder.
Thank You! I truly believe that Christ Himself feels this way. God knows I do!!!!! This is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand your point... but do you really need to mock Jesus this way?
The Jesus portrayed in American Churchdom is a mockery.
Get 'em, BJ!!!!
What a nice post!!! Excelent.
Great article. I think it's funny how the whole "contemporary" look has swept even into the small rural churches. The mainline churches have the light version while the non denominational denominations have the full flavored lager. Damn, I'm getting thirsty. Think Jesus would mind if I lift my cup higher. I need a refill. At least the female worship leaders seem to be a lot hotter than the old song leaders we used to see. Nothing lifts Jesus higher than a nice set of hooters in a tight sweater.
Maybe I'm on to something here. A new form of outreach. I could start a chain of Christian Hooters restaurants. We could serve beer in coke glasses to avoid the appearance of evil. We could serve mild flavored wings and call them angels wings. The hot wings will be called eagles wings. There's got to be a use for the phrase "mount up" in there somewhere. We could call it the Bossoms of Abraham. Only the hottest of the hot chicks should apply. Only the best for Jesus. Bring in a picture of your hot worship leader in a tight sweater and get a free appetizer. There could be speacial attention given to diners on there spiritual birthday celebrating the date of their new birth. It needs to be a special song.
Father Abraham had many sons, and many sons had father Abraham, and I am one of them, and so are you, so lets just grab a whore.
Right hand, left hand, right tit, left tit. Squeeze.
Talk about the possibilities for a prison ministry.
their spiritual birthday not there spiritual birthday. Sorry, I got carried away thinking about hooters for Jesus.
It is possible to be witty and funny without being an effing misogynist, you should try it.
I love effing to much to be a misogynist.
How big are your hooters?
See "Hardcore Baptist Pick Up Lines"
Just a little crude BJ
Thanks.
Jesus needs to get high.
you know, i love this kind of stuff, but am always sure Jesus would also have his own special message for those of us who laugh at those of them to whom this is directed
for instance, how about you watch your effing language, i mean wtf?!
That was a special message from Jesus.
I literally laughed out loud at this whole thing. It is so true. Sadly, so true.
Skip the jail visit and simply go to a gelded church worshiping weak praise, weak preaching, weak fellowship and weak leadership. After being invited to the Men's Wednesday morning fellowship -- held of course in the Second Grade Sunday School room -- tell them the church seems to be worshipping weakness. Their god is a god of weakness. It comes from their core escapist doctrine. Tell them they are prisoners of a jail, but it is invisible. This not-so-lovely jail is making them REALLY, REALLY WEAK!
Here is what will happen. You will be surprised to find in ONE THING they are NOT WEAK. They are not weak when it comes to protecting their god of weakness. They will kick you out of their church. They like their jail, most of them.
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