PRINT
EMAIL
DISCUSSIf I Were God
01/21/2008By Adam Kenyon
If I were God, when people said things like “Too much information!” and “You know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout?” and "Don't go there!" and “Booyah!” it would be sharply painful both for the speaker and for anyone who laughed or chuckled as if it were funny. I mean, I wouldn’t stop free will or try to control people by not allowing them to say it. I would only make it hurt. So once in a while people would still use those phrases if it were really important to them. My plan would simply prevent it from getting out of hand like it is now.
If I were God, there would be these little automatic mechanisms in the universe where if somebody on a very humid and record hot day said something obnoxiously unoriginal like “Hot enough for ya?!” or if someone was wearing camouflage pants and another person said stupidly "Hey! I can't see your legs! Where did your legs go? Ha ha ha ha!" money would be teleported from their wallet or bank account into that of a charity or needy individual. Sometimes it would only be a buck or two and once in a while, if they were a repeat offender, it might be someone’s life savings. True, that could be a lot of money, but, one, they deserve it, and two, ultimately I am making it work for good. I mean, it’s not like I am making the money spontaneously combust in their pocket, which is what they really deserve. But the one law that I couldn’t help implementing would be that; if they laughed after they said it, a lot more money would be taken.
If I were God and there were record companies that required their music acts to repeat certain words and phrases that sounded religious because they knew they could sell more music to desperate, hurting people who were trying to be spiritual and if these companies did this without regard for the creative or artistic aspects of the music, that would probably be the kind of thing that would make me so wrathful I would have to go Old Testament and hit their office buildings with fiery and destructive meteorites. I would wait until all the regular employees were home and the executives wouldn’t get killed, but they would get a design that looked disturbingly similar to “Den of Thieves” burned into their skin somewhere in a place where only they could see it so it would give them time to think about what they’ve done.
Oh, and all the meteorites would hit all those Christian record companies on the same night so that speculation and theories would abound.
If I were God, and, say, hypothetically, there was a clueless manager at a huge retail corporation who was constantly saying things to suggest that helping the corporation by increasing profits was some kind of virtuous goal, or that doing so actually had some type of eternal significance, and if this manager frequently said things to the employees like "Yeah, but that's the second time you've been three minutes late this week, it's not fair to everyone else, I really need to know that you are committed to the business, I really need to see an increase in discipline and some elevation in your work ethic” or if that manager was constantly making jokes that weren't really jokes because they were always related in some idiotic way to the job, for example, if he were to make a "joke" about one of the employees submitting a report with no column header as if it were as unthinkable, inappropriate and as ridiculous as showing up to work wearing nothing but a half dozen sticky notes, if there was a fool like that in my world, Holy Hell! would that guy feel the Wrath!
But you're not bitter, right?
Phew! I was listening to my local Christian (read, soccer-mom, formulaic, trite) radio station and while the deep, deep love of Jesus was conveyed to me via the pretty people (read, Avalon, Jeremy Camp, Steven Curtis Chapman, MercyMe, need I go on?) I kinda wished at least your record company god would smite them. Booyah man! Know what I'm talkin' about? Dang, it's not really the heat of hell which will burn them so much as the humidity.
And what shall we do about people who use the phrase "Go Old Testament..." on people? Wasn't going postal on someone funny enough?
If anyone asked me what I might do if I were God, I would add to the paragraph on record companies (in a very well-written essay, BTW) that I would smite, or at least afflict with vocal paralysis, any of those yutzes who, while on stage with a guitar, say, "The Lord gave me this song," and then proceed to sing/play a song which is at best mediocre, and I would proclaim to them, with an unmistakeable voice from heaven, "Please stop blaming me for your half-baked, insipid crap that you try to pass off as music! If you want to hear music that I really did give to someone, take a little time to listen to Bach's "Mass in B Minor" or Blind Willie Nelson's "Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground", or Rev. Gary Davis's "Death Don't Have No Mercy" or "O Glory, How Happy I Am"."
That's what I would do if I were God! (There, I feel better now!)
So True! I wish that would really happen!
Good one!
If I were God I'd switch to decaf before making any decisions related to where people wound up for eternity.
If I were God I'd remodel hell and replace the flames of eternal damnation with a microwave. So, instead of taking forever, My revenge would be complete in seconds. The only hard part for people would be hanging on while the plate rotated. (And then they'd get to cool off for eternity in heaven.)
If I were God I think I'd soon get sick of heaven as an eternal praise service where I sat on My thone attended by twenty-four harp-playing elders (Rev. 5:8) and other dignitaries pertaining to My court and where I had to look out over miles and miles of My worshippers, seeing their smiles and purrs and nods of satisfaction from northward, eastward, southwards. It would remind Me too much of the show-ceremonies of some sorry little sovereign state in the ancient Near East. (But maybe if the harps were electric and people were partying with each other and I got to get up off my throne and simply mingle with the crowd...)
If I were God, I would destroy all modern inventions, and technology, (even this damn computer)but still allow of course, modern plumbing,the flush tiolet bowl,and charmin!
Then I would have him realize that what makes a man rich is not how much he has, but how little he needs.
Right On!!!
Hey Adam,join the word of faith then you will be God! Albeit a "little god!" Just ask Kenny Copeland or Benny Hinn!
I guess we are all fortunate you aren't God.
Hey anon, I don't claim to be "god" but Copeland and his ilk do!
If I were god, I do a better job. I would sell my golden house and use the money to help the poor. My countless angels would be peacekeepers in all the world conflicts. I would tell DirectTV that I don't need all those tv stations (TBN, CBN, The Church Channel, GOD TV etc...) and replace some of them with the Playboy Channel, so Jimmy Swargart would have something to watch.
Hey grizzly,
Do you know of any muslim sites I could go on an belittle their religion? Better not, I'd probably be in hiding with Rushdie...
Why do you people even bother wasting your time on pieces like this? If any of you were God, you probably would have smited your own selves long ago for the corruption you support and approve.
if a (contrast) you were God the world will be in a comic situation .Actually we are gods with small ( g).To rule with a heart not to destroy but build with LOVE . remember you are to have dominion over your crises dont let it rule you control with peace in your heart patience in your mind trust in GOD .
if a (contrast) you were God the world will be in a comic situation .Actually we are gods with small ( g).To rule with a heart not to destroy but build with LOVE . remember you are to have dominion over your crises dont let it rule you control with peace in your heart patience in your mind trust in GOD .
Love wins...
if i were a god i would convert the whole world into chocolate.
mmmm yummy
Post new comment