God Doesn't Suck, But God's Vacuum Sure Does02/24/2008
By Dale Dobson
To: All Senior Sales Personnel
From: Rex Wintergreen, Executive VP/Faith-Based sales
Sensitivity: TOP SECRET
Many of you have asked me for an updated sales recruiting script that can be used with any ethnic group and with any possible combination of sects and/or deities. We recently tested this one among Hindus in suburban Cleveland, and I think you can agree, it doesn't get any tougher than that. I'm proud to say, this document will move product.
[Please ensure all doors, windows and ventilation shafts are blocked and/or guarded prior to start. Adopt a down-home, good old boy or gal tone of voice for maximum effectiveness.]
How are y'all doin'?
I'm happy to welcome you all on behalf of Hoovior, the Faith-Based Vacuum Cleaner Sales Organization.
It's wonderful to know that even in the [choose one: small/big] [city/town] of [community name], [full name of state] there are still good [dominant local religious affiliation] people hankerin' to earn a decent living by their own honest brow-sweat. I'd like to thank you all in [possessive form of favored deity] name for coming here tonight.
So let’s all be honest here. How many of you here are unemployed? Quite a few of you.
How many are just lookin' for a little extra spending money, to help make ends meet? Some.
How many are here to help spread the Word? Ahhhhh! Not so many. So you're all in for a very pleasant surprise.
You see, Hoovior is a different kind of company. Any [heathen/infidel] can walk up to a stranger on the street and sell 'em a vacuum cleaner. It's not a hard thing to do. It's pretty lucrative, take it from me, yes indeed. Used to do that myself, before I got my priorities straight and turned my life around.
Nowadays, when I walk in that door, when I enter an individual's humble abode, what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna SPEAK the word ... and SELL them a vacuum. SHARE the joy ... and SELL the vacuum. SAVE the soul ... and SELL, SELL, SELL the vacuum.
And I'm going to feel good about it, and myself. Because the Hoovior doesn't clean floors. This little sucker changes lives.
Lemme tell you how. A lot of new sales recruits ask me this question: Is the Hoovior everything we say it is?
No, frankly. It isn't. The white plastic casing doesn’t look too good after it hits the air. The belts are likely to snap just as soon as the customer’s check clears. We proudly display the Underwriters Laboratory logo on our box, but we have never in fact submitted the product for certification.
But you know what? Nobody cares about that! Least of all [deity]. We have hundreds of testimonials from satisfied, sometimes literate customers. That's a mess o' anecdotal evidence, friends, and it means a heckuva lot more than our so-called unacceptable mean-time-between-failure statistics.
So what keeps our customers happy, if it isn't the product? Which, let's be clear here, it isn't.
It's the power of PRAYER, my friends.
What strengthens our faith in this crazy world we live in? What keeps our eyes on the [favored religious symbol] when we're not lookin' over our shoulders? Fear does it. So does uncertainty. Even doubt has its place. And that's exactly what we're sellin' to the good people of [country name], for only 12 small monthly payments of 99 [unit of local currency] each.
You see where I'm goin' with this, folks? Every time one of our customers plugs in the Hoovior, they're likely to mumble a little something for [deity] to hear. Might not even be out loud, because it's not a big thing. It's just a vacuum cleaner. If it fails to perform, nobody's goin' to be [gerund form of locally feared avenue of eternal punishment]. Whole family's likely to be awake if it starts a fire like it sometimes does. But they'll say a little prayer just the same.
Y'see, I'm not a [title of respected local religious official]. And the Hoovior isn't a miracle, friends. It's a machine, and a shoddily-built one at that. But it's that little bit of not-knowing that gets folks into the HABIT of prayer and supplication, folks. It gets 'em ready to go to [deity name] when the big crises come around. And that's why I tell you what I know in my heart to be true. Selling Hoovior vacuum cleaners is not just a sales job. It's a ministry.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness, folks. Not above it. Not instead of it. Perched right there next door. The dirt our product may occasionally leave on the floor is as nothing compared to the filth we remove from our customers' eternal souls.
So let's all join hands for a moment and welcome this opportunity into our hearts.
And now, please, let's sign those contracts in [His/Her] name.