Hillary Clinton Kills All Voters in Remaining Primary States

By Joe Bob Briggs | 04/01/2008

Asheville, N.C. — Hillary Clinton bolted from a political briefing in her hotel room late last night, snatched a gun from one of her Secret Service bodyguards, and went on a shooting rampage, killing all the residents of eight states and two offshore territories while screaming “If I can’t have you, nobody will!”

She was finally subdued after gunning down the last voting-age citizen on the tiny Pacific island of Guam, which represented only nine available delegates.

“We hadn’t even mentioned Guam in the briefing,” said a shaken Maggie Williams, the campaign manager who was the last to speak to Clinton before she went berserk. “Howard (Wolfson) was finishing up his analysis of Indiana, and Hillary got very quiet. She was sitting on the edge of the bed and rocking back and forth. She seemed to be in her own private world. I said ‘Hillary, are you okay?’ And she gave me this look. I never saw that look before. She became this other person. I didn’t know. None of us knew.”

Hillary with gun

Former president Bill Clinton was campaigning in Pennsylvania at the time of the incident, so he didn’t arrive until Hillary had already been heavily medicated and strapped into a strait-jacket. He visited with her for about ten minutes, then emerged from the Guam Naval Hospital to address waiting reporters. With pursed lips and watery eyes, the former president said, “We would like to express our sincere regret to the 689 people who died in this—“

Clinton was then interrupted by an aide.


“Excuse me, that was the delegate count in the remaining primaries. We would like to express our sincere regret to the 41 million, 421 thousand people who died tonight. All I can say is that Hillary never intended for any of you to be involved in this. This should have been over on February 5th, and it’s a flaw in our system of electing presidents that it wasn’t finished that day. We’d especially like to apologize to Montana and South Dakota, because your votes wouldn’t have mattered either way.”

Clinton then left the podium and was followed by David Kendall, representing the law firm of Williams and Connolly, who announced that, in view of Hillary being mentally disabled and therefore entitled to punitive damages, and in view of the adult voting population in the remaining states being dead, he would file motions in the courts to declare the previously uncounted votes in Florida and Michigan, which would make Hillary the pre-emptive winner of the Democratic nomination.

“You have to understand the nuance of this,” said Kendall.


Process Deist | 11:57 pm on 4/01/2008

Sometimes a dead person is just a dead person? Jimmy Hoffa
Sometimes a wasted vote is just a wasted vote? Lyndon Johnson.
Sometimes a lie is not a lie? Richard Nixon.
Sometimes a Brother is still your Brother? Jimmy Carter.
Sometimes I played football without a helmet, I think I'm Ford?
Sometimes a burning Bush can multiply! Two Georges are half-price?
Sometimes a good cigar is not smoked? Monica
Sometimes, when I was President, I demanded my subjects worship me. They really did! They worshiped me! They really LOVED me.

pk | 11:58 pm on 4/01/2008

Ok, I would probably argue that this has little to do with religious satire, but it made me laugh.

that calvinist doug | 07:27 am on 4/02/2008

I'd like to report that my family and I are the only remaining survivors from North Carolina. As it turns out, we were predestined to be dining just over the border in South Carolina (which fortunately has already voted) when Hillary came aknockin'...our beagle, sadly, didn't make it. Seems in her delirium, she mistook him for a short, hairy voter. The only positive is that now I'm like Will Smith in I am Legend (sans the zombies). I've got all these cool things which nobody is using. Therefore, I'm declaring NC mine and we're seceding.

mountainguy | 07:22 pm on 4/02/2008

thanks God you and your family are still alive...

Josh C. | 08:15 am on 4/03/2008

Thank you. There is nothing like a good joke involving predestination to brighten ones day. Though you might see Hillary again because now being that your the last man in NC you are a super delegate.

that calvinist doug | 03:09 pm on 4/04/2008

Can't be a super delegate. Told you. I'm seceding from the union.

Josh C. | 06:22 pm on 4/07/2008

Doug, Good luck with that. Seceding from the union did not work so well last time but maybe you can pull it off. If "The Principality of Sealand" can thumb its nose at the British Empire you might have a chance.

Anonymous | 09:22 am on 5/06/2008

Please don't secede, although i wasn't alive at the time but am currently living in SC I am told there was a war fought over it the last time SC tried to secede. You know we can't afford another war!

How did you afford to go out to eat anyway--you must have walked and thats whay you weren't home at the normal hour.

master pastor of disaster | 09:59 am on 4/02/2008

Great piece! If it wasn't April Fool's Day I would believe it.

SRebbe | 10:17 am on 4/02/2008

Fantastic still of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. How did you manage to photoshop Jack's head on to Hillary's body?

Bailey Hankins | 12:54 pm on 4/02/2008

When are you going to do the story about how John McCain is a traitor because he gave information to the enemy while being held captive for five years?

I mean, we all know the Bush campaign broke the story in 2000 under the direction of Karl Rove, but that doesn't make it any less relevant today.

Discerner 24/7 | 01:19 pm on 4/02/2008

So that's what really happened to Vince Foster!

Da Shawndra Dukes | 01:20 pm on 4/02/2008

You people are mean. This is somekina joke. I talked to my mama dismornin and she said she is still alive. She and papa liv in Northcu Lina. you should be shamd

that calvinist doug | 01:46 pm on 4/02/2008

Cousin DaShawn! Bless your heart, I didn't mean to scare you. Your mama is still alive but only because she was down in the root cellar cannin' some peaches when Hillary came to town. But your Papa...are you sittin' down cousin?

60613 | 03:46 pm on 4/02/2008

Thanks for a great laugh on April 1st. :)

More Anonymous Than You | 08:10 am on 4/03/2008

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - Freud

RRK | 10:08 am on 4/03/2008

I don't know why everybody's picking on HRC.

I means she's a Yankees fan from Chicago, Green Beret from Arkansas, Senator from NY by way of Illinois/Arkansas, slips sniper fire in war zones, had a youth pastor who makes BHO's pastor disaster appear like Twiggy following Dolly Parton to the beach, thinks Mick and the Stones are good role models for herself and the rest of us, will replace "Hail to the Chief" with Rocky's theme, and is acutely vigilant and aware about what's going on except for what went down between WJC and ML a few rooms down the hall.

That's why I'm leaving the nursing home today and joining up with all of my buddies from AARP to support JM.

Or as BHO's pastor would say, "GD 'em all!"

Questioner | 11:30 pm on 4/04/2008

I say they're all certifiable. Jimmy , are you still there? Or do we have to disinter Harry S.?

Brought to you by the DRAFT CARTER COMMISSION.
(I'm sure he would not approve of this message.)

Anonymous | 02:08 pm on 4/24/2008

This is just MORE of the same super slanted mischaracterization of Hillary Clinton. She grew up in a Goldwater Republican family in the midwest and heard Martin Luther King Jr speak while in high school-- from that moment she has been working
for the rights of minorities. Perhaps you'd have to be member of her generation to fully understand how much CHANGE we brought about in our lives in a short 40 years. Obama hasn't changed anything--he's nothing but a self serving OPPORTUNIST and the BENEFICIARY of that change--she has been a change agent all of her life.

I have gone to several of her speaking appearances in PA and those of Senator Obama. She has done nothing but talk sincerely about issues--you don't get ANY sense that she feels entitled to anything. Senator Obama's speaking appearances, by contrast ARE HIGHLY ORCHESTRATED and completely STAGED. In Harrisburg PA on Sunday before the April 22 primary, he spoke at the foot of the State Capital Building. Those attending were herded onto the Capitol Steps, to form a BACKDROP for him WHILE HE STOOD WITH HIS BACK TO EVERYONE WHO CAME TO HEAR HIM SPEAK--FACING THE NATIONAL AND LOCAL TV CAMERAS. He USED his supporters as a BACKDROP. The herding of his supporters onto the capitol steps made it appear that he had a huge crowd in attendance. His campaign told the local press they expected 20,00 people to attend--and they later reported 8,000 to the same press. As someone who was there, I can attest that the crowd was not any larger than about 4,000 tops. After attending several events in person and reading the press afterwards numerous times, I realized that this has most likely been happening *everywhere* he goes. Also there was no spontaneous enthusiasm for him--it was WHIPPED up by young supporters who took the stage and conducted a super pep rally. He's the slickest campaigner I've ever seen and quite frankly, it's frightening how easily people can be duped and swayed by charming rhetoric and a super effective organization.

It was after attending several of both his and Senator Clinton's speaking appearances, and seeing his super slick, super fat cat funded operation in person that I realized that he is the most cleverly and slickly marketed candidate this country has ever seen. *HE* and his followers are the ones who have a SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, not Hillary. All the talk about his time being "NOW" for one thing. Sorry, but from our perspective, he hasn't grown up enough, or paid his dues. She's paid her dues.

Obama, IMO, has duped his fellow African Americans, and the young (both of whom are very politically inexperienced groups)
and he has the support of the new Old Boys Club of the Democratic Party (Kerry, Kennedy et al)but he is unelectable without the support of the traditional base of the Democratic Party and they simply aren't easily fooled. The reason he can't win the OLDER vote is that we've lived long enough to be able to see through the manufactured HYPE that his campaign has orchestrated and have also lived long enough to know that change is something that comes slowly with dedicated effort. Hillary, though she is certainly not perfect either, has been out there making a dedicated effort since the age of 15.

Also in her speeches, she spoke personally to her supporters ABOUT ISSUES. She actually DISCOURAGED personal adulation--whenever the audiences clapped, she did not capitalize on this as he did constantly but simply tried to get back to talking about
her plans to address problems that we face.
She also said nothing negative about him--while he completely TRASHED HER in every audience appearance I attended. That's WHY he's lost me entirely as a supporter in the fall.

As a individual, I can only go on what I saw and observed. His events had the atmosphere of a Rush Limbaugh radio program--simple slogans his followers PARROT repeatedly, resembling brain washing for people who can't think for themselves and like to be herded into a group and told what to do.

If you did a psychological assessment of the personality characteristics of Hillary supporters versus those who support Obama, as a psychologist I can guarantee that you would find that her supporter exhibit far more independence of thought.

Also, he is the one running the negative campaign, poisoning his supporters minds about HER--he does it every time he speaks. The media has been HUGELY biased--and it's a plain GENDER bias, nothing more.
She is the SCAPEGOAT--blamed for the colossal STUPIDITY of the new Old Boys Club (Kennedy, Kerry) choosing to run Senator Obama against her--without even being bright enough to run a simple survey of Democratic voters to see HOW MANY were dedicated supporters who really really wanted Hillary Clinton to be our next President. How stupid can these men be??

Also, whatever you think of Hillary Clinton that doesn't change the fact that Obama is also IN BED with the ethanol industry, ADM in the mid-west and highly funded by many PACs while duping his young idealistic supporters into thinking he is so pure and noble. (Read Harper's Magazine "Barack Obama Inc. The Birth of a Washington Political Machine") :http://www.harpers.org/archive/2006/11/0081275

Finally he is not an UNITER at all--the fact is he TOTALLY DIVIDED the entire Democratic Party by choosing to run against her--AND NOW THAT IS BEING BLAMED ON HER ALSO. If he were a uniter, he would have worked WITH HER and the Democrats could have taken the White House for 16 years. Instead, he and Teddy Kennedy and John Kerry--the new Old Boys Club thought they could just disregard HER and the people who support her. Well, they have figured wrong.


John McCain will win this fall if Senator Obama is the nominee, because a huge component of Hillary supporters will become McCain Democrats, or support Nader. We're tired of being overlooked.

Anonymous | 12:10 am on 4/27/2008

Well, it looks like someone from Hillaryis44.org has found their way to the Wittenburg Door...

BULLPHROGG | 08:50 am on 5/17/2008

Good lord, and I use the term loosely, how much of that Hillary-for-Prezidint message do we get for a quarter?

PeteAtomic | 09:18 pm on 5/24/2008

I bet she wears the perfume Obsession by Calvin Klein ;)

Bobbie | 01:51 am on 4/02/2010

Hola people, Happy Fool's Day!

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Happy April Fool's Day!

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