God Experiences April, Allows World to Continue

By Joe Bob Briggs | 05/12/2008

I forgot to give out the indulgences for April, but then who could blame me when Jeremiah Wright, the Pope, and West Texas Polygamists were all inducing nightmares in the Door staff, to the point that we narrowly averted publishing an article about six of the Pope’s wives holding a press conference about Black Liberation Theology?

Having said that, the winner of the April Indulgence Award, given to the freelancer most likely to have been inspired by the Spirit of Satire, goes to our Portland, Oregon, scribbler Matt Bors, who inaugurated a full week of Papist Lunacy with "World History with the Pope," an astutely concise summary of Catholic outrages in atheist garb. The award is good for 6,666 days off Matt’s Purgatory sentence, redeemable at any funeral home.


Our second prize of seven full body massages during the passage through the 6th circle of Purgatory goes to past winner Bob Gersztyn of Salem, Oregon, who gave us his take on the 50th anniversary of the peace symbol and its relevance to the Prince of Peace, then followed that up with his inaugural blog post, "Christians Murdered My Family," relating one of his true-life taxicab dramas that make us worry sometimes about whether Bob should ask his cab company to invest in Blackwater-style body armor.


Third prize, awarded for the sheer audacity of the enterprise, is bestowed upon the indefatigable Becky Garrison, who trundled all over her hometown of New York City with a digital camera, comparing Stan Lee and Joseph Ratzinger, for "The Pope vs. Spiderman: Let’s Get Ready to Rumble," which was, as far as we can tell, the only article to fully explore those theological comparisons. Becky gets a free facial and a pedicure during the time she would normally spend in Limbo.

Film critic Heidi Martinuzzi of Van Nuys, California, making her Door debut, copped the fourth prize for "Stein Nukes Dawkins, Then Freaks Out," her review of the anti-Darwinist film Expelled, which was one of our most commented-on pieces of the month. Heidi is entitled to pre-emptive forgiveness for any three sins committed in Riverside County prior to 2012.

Jennifer Morrow’s review of 300 Ways to Ask the Four Questions, a book she presumably carted to her family’s seder in New Hyde Park, Long Island, finished in fifth place, resulting in the award of one of those pink incense devices that plug into any electrical outlet, available for perfuming the air throughout the afterlife.


And since April was a very busy month for the Doorkeepers, we decided to award complimentary Ipods that function in any circle of Purgatory or Hell to seven other freelance pieces, namely "I can has forgiveness?," Jane Lebak’s review of the LOLcat Bible; William Mcpherson’s report on the fundamentalist commandos who invaded the apartment of Eugene H. Peterson in an attempt to stop all future editions of The Message; Judith Hugg’s send-up of Jim Wallis and Tony Campolo; Paul Smith’s description of the cage match between Dwight Pentecost and Darrel Bock; Fred Allen’s postmodern megachurch bumper stickers; Aaron Alford’s republication of the Saint Peter’s Basilica Visitor Information Survey; and Matt Mikalatos’ underwater report on the new Submergent Church.


Jeremiah Wright, the man who made the month of April possible, gets noogies from God for his satirical use of YouTube. Jerry, you were kidding about the AIDS thing, right? That’s what we thought.


ny guy | 10:40 pm on 5/12/2008

hmmm... it seems that the articles mentioned were the ones that generated the most comments by us posters. But now I'm at a loss. How in the hell do I comment about an article written about all of the articles that I commented on. umm here goes...

Purgatory is a crock.


Process Deist | 12:35 am on 5/13/2008

Do we need to hold an awards program each month?

SRebbe | 04:31 pm on 5/13/2008

as long as Grammys, Emmys, (etc.) and other recently created assorted awards for being of a specific racial demographic --which excludes all others not blessed enough to be born in that colorful genre and nullifies all civil rights movements that have been fought up to that point-- are still passed out, my vote is YES.

why not? life is all about sticky gold, silver, and green stars anyway.

budda | 07:40 pm on 5/13/2008

If so, then the readers should get to vote and decide.

SRebbe | 10:17 am on 5/14/2008

is this like American Idol where we can stuff the ballot box?

budda | 06:58 pm on 5/14/2008

If it is, do you want to be the token punk rock chick with a bad dye job, the too cute but not too bright country chick, or the morally questionable pop/R&B chick with the rumored internet pictures?

live_life | 03:35 am on 5/13/2008

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