Gallagher Humiliated, Wins May Indulgence Award

06/16/2008


I don’t know about you, but when I think comedy, I think Cracked magazine. And one of the most relentless Cracked hacks is Danny Gallagher, a New Orleanian transplanted to Texas who just catapulted to Internet fame by winning the Door’s May Indulgence Awards for his article, “The 10 Worst Movies About Jesus (Not Including Passion of the Christ Because That Would Be Too Easy),” which snuck in under the monthly wire on the 28th and resulted in Dannyboy being awarded 6,666 days off his sentence in Purgatory, which, judging by the sheer amount of work he’s had published in Cracked, not to mention the McKinney Courier-Gazette, is not likely to get him paroled in any millennium soon.

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First runner-up in the Indulgence Awards, which are given to freelancers only, causing enormous discontent among the unpaid staff, was New York’s busiest gadabout, Becky Garrison, who scored twice with “Drink Emergent-C! (But Drink the Kool-Aid First),” her send-up of the Emergent Church movement, followed by her trenchant review of Forgiving the Franklins, “What If Jesus Told You to Have More Sex?” Becky receives one of those golden tarantulas that Arnold Vosloo spit up in The Mummy–they’re great for fending off demons.

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Second runner-up is Aaron Alford, whose “Getting Real About Reality in Real Time, Really” is probably the funniest thing ever written about Rob Bell, who is not normally a barrel of cavorting simians. Aaron can skip every businessman’s prayer breakfast for the rest of recorded time.

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Leann Long was close behind Aaron with her “Midwestern Christian Girl Still Single at 22,” revealing the shocking truth about that slut in Springtown, Missouri. Leann will be released from all obligations to pretend to pray at sporting events for the remainder of her ambulatory years.

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Speaking of classic parodies, Al Speegle Jr. scored big-time when he somehow came up with an advance reading copy of Donald Miller’s next book, Bark Like a Scab, which he excerpted in the article “Is That Jesus In the Next Port-o-let?” Al will now be allowed to kill afterlife time by watching any movie he wants on the big screen of the late lamented Century Drive-In in Al’s hometown of Grand Prairie, Texas.

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Kevin Frank’s “Burning Bush” cartoon was stunning in its simplicity, but even more stunning in that he let us have it instead of selling it to Cracked. Kevin wins the right to put bamboo shoots under the fingernails of any Kirby Vacuum Cleaner salesman that he finds in Purgatory, without consequence to his own sentence.

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Sixth runner-up is Heidi Martinuzzi, for “Holy Blood, Holy Vodka Bottle,” her review of the latest weirdbeard documentary about Mary Magdalene, Bloodline. Heidi becomes eligible for a Chuck Norris treadmill, which she can take with her to any level of heaven, hell or Purgatory.

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And finally, all knowledge of primitive Baptist foot-washing rituals will be removed from the memory of three other May contributors: Dale Dobson, whose “Good News for Postmodern Man” is a hilarious summary of the next dozen Good News Bibles; Christopher Coffman, whose “Fairway to Heaven” revealed Rod Parsley’s plan to reveal God through golf; and Todd Outcalt, who said everything you want to know about churchgoing hypocrisy in “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.”


Comments(7)

JoshH | 11:41 pm on 6/17/2008

I thought you were talking about prop comic Leo Gallagher when I first saw this piece's headline. Boy was I disappointed when I actually read this article!

SRebbe | 12:13 pm on 6/18/2008

spooky... that was my thought too, and I knew it didn't fit the genre, so I have no idea where my mind was this morning.

'why can't you keep up with anything?
You know you'd lose your head if it wasn't so big'
(fleming&john)

Danny Gallagher, the same | 09:01 pm on 6/25/2008

Cool! I'm a winner. So Joe Bob, what do I get? It better not be a damn toaster that makes Jesus grilled cheese sandwiches.

Patrick McKinnion | 10:44 pm on 7/13/2008

Disagree. Watched "Jesus Christ - Vampire Hunter" with a friend who was finishing her Th.D. in Catholic Theology. Midway though she said "This is the best f***ing movie ever!!!' And got copies to send to her thesis advisors.

It's a great bad movie.

luki sklep | 01:34 pm on 12/23/2009

This article is very interesting, keep us posting..

Jack | 05:47 pm on 7/25/2010

Hi, I'm having issues with your site in Safari (the font is extremely tiny). I've tried increasing the font size using the style menu but that doesn't seem to work. Any tips on what I can do? (Oh, and if it helps, I'm on Windows XP) - ways to lose weight and it stay off

Loz | 09:38 am on 8/25/2010

Same problems as Jack I'm afraid, it seems fine in Chrome but not Safari! Might just ditch safari.

Loz. - stopzilla review

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