Executive Summary for Downsizing and Outsourcing Movement of Chosen People for Maximum Return on Covenant Investment03/25/2008
By Jane Lebak
Dear Mr. Elohim:
We at the Ashera Management Company have carefully reviewed Your long-term contract for care of the Israelite people and are proud to present the following proposal. Using our services, You will be able to provide Your people with a higher level of care at a greatly reduced cost, while simultaneously increasing efficiency and customer satisfaction.
In the enclosed proposal packet, please take special note of the following:
• Reorganization of manna distribution, division into three levels of service
- premium customers will receive the first manna of the morning at 7 a.m.
- basic customers will collect their manna at 10:30 a.m.
- nonpaying customers to receive their manna at noon
- premium customers to have their choice of honey-flavored manna, strawberry-filled or apple-cinnamon
• Replacing quail with meatier, genetically enhanced chickens
• Bottled water delivery to replace flowing rocks
• Courier service of messages to replace burning bushes (and avoid future issues with the EPA)
• Outsourcing angelic protection to the Canaanites
- lower minimum wage
- willing to work Sabbaths
• Replacing pillar of fire / column of smoke with generic brands
- energy-saving models for reduced energy consumption
• Dedicated customer support so you don't have to deal with every grumbling request for water
• Serpent bite first aid kits
• Reduction of ten commandments to seven for premium customers
• Direct deposit tithing rather than sacrifice of bulls and lambs
• Investigation into Moses' personnel choices (re: charges of nepotism)
• Maps and signposts leading the Chosen People directly to the Promised Land, including GPS positioning technology for premium customers (projected time of arrival, six months versus forty years)
Your chosen location for the Promised Land is, in our opinion, unwise due to the lack of steady rainfall or a large, dependable river. In forty years, You could easily lead your people to a different location. We recommend the European continent or the Euphrates River, and are frankly confused as to why You removed them from the Nile River Basin, which would have served the purpose. Instead, they will have to rely on You for rainfall.
After reviewing Your business plan, our attorneys tells us that You entered a covenant agreement with the descendants of Abraham, parties to be named later. We strongly suggest substituting the covenant language for contractual language, as contracts indicate only exchanges of services and therefore are easier to break. The existence of a covenant implies permanency and even Sonship, which becomes far more difficult to dissolve in the event of legal dispute.
For signing up now, Your Chosen People will be eligible for free boxes of pre-printed Passover cards, complete with lamb's blood and brush set.
Our management company guarantees a 30% increase in profits the first year. We also insure Your Chosen People 100% against loss, and in the event of catastrophic failure, we will provide another Chosen People free of charge.
Thank you for your attention, and we look forward to doing business with you.
G. Bull, President Ashera Management Company