"You're Going to Die, You Self-Righteous Jerk" And Other Soothing Meditations from Jim Wallis and Tony Campolo

04/09/2008


By Judith Hugg

"Selections from Our Daily Muffin"

Wednesday, September 5
"At one time you were darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light." Ephesians 5:9

I walked through the garden alone, while the dew was still on the roses. Well, who cares? Wake up and smell the latte. People are suffering and dying at a prodigious rate while you choose what color nail polish to have the delicate, coughing Vietnamese woman paint on your fake fingernails. Could you give up one manicure, one Saturday at the movies, one surf & turf and put that money where that gold, diamond-encrusted cross is, somewhere near where your heart should be? Church membership is a farce if your head's in the sand with Paris Hilton. Go give someone a break, for Christ's Sake.
Surf Turf

Thursday, September 6
"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17

We're all going to die. Get over it. Since you churchies keep yammering to everyone about what grand Christians you are, how about when you die? Can you be doing that to the glory of God, in Jesus' name, in His service? Are you going to live His life in that flesh of yours faithfully, in gratitude to the Father because of His grace that's keeping you going? Or are you going to hell in a church picnic basket? If we're walking the talk, we will be thankful in death. If we're walking like fanatic, self-righteous jerks, others will be thankful for our deaths. Take your pick.

Friday, September 7
"'Did our hearts not burn within us while He talked to us on the road, while He opened to us the Scriptures?'" Luke 24:32

Burning hearts or heartburn-where are we at here? When you hear the words of Scripture, do you contemplate the deep meanings of God's creation as it pertains to the needy world, One Year Bibleor do you keep staring at that honey in the sixth pew to the left who can light your candle any time? Are you so unspeakably dense as to think that because you read the Bible-in-a-Year when you were in confirmation class that you really know all about it and nothing is cool enough to move you any more? Admit it: you never actually made it all the way through Leviticus. When Christ talks, you may as well be asleep in the cry room. Start listening, bonehead.

Saturday, September 8
"I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you." Psalm 32:8
Dog
I walked out the back door into the snow with the dog, and there in the melty bits where the flagstone showed through was a perfect map of Africa. I thought, "Is this a sign from the heavens? Perhaps I am meant to be a missionary to somewhere in Africa!" Then the dog wee-weed and the map became more like a Pennsylvania-shape, and I contemplated the deeper meanings of God's direction and care. And then I thought: "I forgot to take my medications today."
And then I was at peace.


Comments(25)

Anonymous | 05:37 am on 4/09/2008

Not nearly enough "God's neither a Republican nor a Democrat, but he's certainly not voting for Republicans" for Jim Wallis. Still funny nonetheless.

Matt Little | 08:19 am on 4/09/2008

It's not clear whether these sayings come from Jim Wallis, Tony Campolo, Judith Hugg or someone else, or indeed whether they are made up!

Could we have a little referencing please? And maybe a bit of context? Like, what the dates refer to?

Is there a journalist in the house?

Andy | 08:34 am on 4/09/2008

Trying to decide between ROTFLMAO and OMG! Both, I guess. I have to confess, though, that as a preaching pastor, the Friday, September 7 entry had me shouting, "Amen! Preach it!"

Anonymous | 08:35 am on 4/09/2008

Brutal but honest!!

Joe-Allen Doty | 09:20 am on 4/09/2008

Why does this magazine make fun of Jim Wallis when he actually supports what the Door does? A writer for the door contributes regularly to Wallis' blog online.

Sawgunner | 08:12 pm on 4/09/2008

I agree. Jim Wallis and the Sojo crowd would be at home with Joe Bob and vice versa. You raised a good point.
I hope you get a good reply back

Anonymous | 12:07 am on 4/10/2008

Simple:

-The Door is full of religious satire, specifically evangelical Satire. Wallis and Campolo fit this bill. No one is above the fray.

-Campolo, and more so with Wallis, create glass houses and throw stones -- just like their Religious Right counterparts.

-The last few years the conservatives have been taking it on the jaw, and rightfully so, for their silliness and weird assertions. Now with a few more "liberal" leaning Christians speaking out and taking center stage, it's their turn with their own brand of goofiness. If Obama ends up as the President, be prepared.

wotthe7734 | 11:28 am on 4/09/2008

I don't read these as satire per se. To me they just sound like some outrageously right-on things (that could have been) said by two outrageously right-on guys.

I'm curious as to who said what, too....... I'd like to be able to pass these on with proper credits. The first two sound like Tony (who I'm personally acquainted with) and the last two sound like Wallis, but I wouldn't bet a brass farthing either way - or that Judith Hugg didn't write the whole thing.

SRebbe | 11:47 am on 4/09/2008

"When Christ talks, you may as well be asleep in the cry room. Start listening, bonehead."

I'm using this next time I visit OutOfUr and see if I get banned. Ah, good stuff.

Little D | 05:23 pm on 4/09/2008

Listen, please. It is a satire. This is a satiric website. They're supposed to be funny. The people in question did NOT say those things. Judith Hugg wrote them.

OK, everybody clear?

BTW, The Door loves Tony and Jim, too. But a religious humor and satire magazine tweaks EVERYBODY from time to time.

That's their job.

Why is this so hard?

mountainguy | 07:04 pm on 4/09/2008

"If we're walking like fanatic, self-righteous jerks, others will be thankful for our deaths"

This is just alright... Nice post Judith

JoshH | 04:11 am on 4/10/2008

First, I'll say it's nice to be back on here; I've been feeling crappy AND have generally had my hands full with other stuff.

Now, I'll get to my point:
This is not making fun of Campolo and Wallis for their points of belief: it's making fun of HOW Campolo and Wallis EXPRESS those points. It's not really satire, it's just good old-fashioned "celebrity parody" like you'd see on SNL. It's just like a caricature the guy at the fair can draw of you.

Anonymous | 12:22 pm on 4/10/2008

Not to far from the heart of Tony Campolo - once when he was a chapel speaker at my west-coast, "liberal" Christian college, he approached me because of my NROTC uniform and told me to my face that I couldn't be a Christian and serve in the military. Besides, if I was true to Christ, I would go into urban missions or environmental evangelism or some such other ministry. Such an inspiring speaker - he actually spit on me while he was ranting...

Dennis Thompson | 06:45 pm on 4/10/2008

Tony C ...what a fool and deceiver that man is. Global Warming....Yeah right. Been cooling for ten years now and all the ice is back in one year, plus 1/3 more of what was "reportedly lost"

Papist Spy | 09:44 am on 4/12/2008

Get your facts from real science, not some right wing blog. The Northwest passage opens for the first time in recorded history, Arctic pack ice is at all time lows, melting of the Greenland ice cap and breakup of Antarctic ice shelves are at record levels...and "all the ice is back in one year, plus 1/3 more?"

Pat in Jax | 04:10 pm on 4/14/2008

"...melting of the Greenland ice cap...." Hmmm, so why was it ever called "Greenland"???? Why not "Whiteland", or "Iceland" (oops, there already is an "Iceland"..... oh, I know, maybe it is because when the Vikings first settled there it was GREEN??????

ny guy | 11:12 pm on 4/15/2008

I think that research shows that it was "greener" in the past before that medieval cold snap thing happened to Europe but I also hear that the name "Greenland" was chosen to trick people into moving there. Which would you rather colonize Greenland or Iceland? I dont know though, I could be wrong. Don't hold me to it.

Anonymous | 05:20 am on 4/29/2009

You need to get your facts straight. There is no man-made global warming. All you have to do is follow the money,who is getting funded for the bogus research. Al Gore doesn't seem to mind poluting. If he is so concerned,why does he fly around in private jets? Why won't big Al debate the Czech/EU president about the real agenda of the environmentalists? Why don't you stop being a sheeple and do your own research. The Bible has already told us how the end of the age will come about. Meanwhile,big Al keeps getting richer and richer and richer........

ny guy | 07:40 pm on 4/12/2008

"...all the ice is back in one year, plus 1/3 more of what was "reportedly lost"

A few of close friends in my small group are almost done with their doctorates in environmental climate change from Columbia university and have taken numerous trips to the polar ice caps with ships equipped to measure, document, and study the changes that are happening there. From my conversations with them I highly doubt that they would agree with your assertion.

Anonymous | 08:28 pm on 4/10/2008

"Not to far from the heart of Tony Campolo - once when he was a chapel speaker at my west-coast, "liberal" Christian college, he approached me because of my NROTC uniform and told me to my face that I couldn't be a Christian and serve in the military. Besides, if I was true to Christ, I would go into urban missions or environmental evangelism or some such other ministry. Such an inspiring speaker - he actually spit on me while he was ranting..."

:o
If anon speaks truth then Campolo is farther gone than I previously thought.

Cynth | 07:51 pm on 4/11/2008

As a big fan of the real Jim Wallis, I thought this parody was funny. Just not funny enough. Sort of like a not-so well-done sacred cow.

Anonymous | 10:49 pm on 4/12/2008

I think we should gather up all the remaining polar ice and make sno-cones for the world.

The Faith Voice | 10:47 am on 4/19/2008

At www.thefaithdebate.com you can discuss this issue, share your opinions with others and get to know what other people have to say. Be a part of the debate!

seedplanter | 01:28 pm on 5/02/2008

OK, what's going on here? Everybody knows that only Uncle Wallis understands God.

Anonymous | 11:20 am on 5/09/2008

Campolo is EVIL.

In his book "Speaking my Mind" he attacks two ex-Muslims that had became Christians for writing a book that is critical of Islam.
Wrap your mind around that. Two Christians that know Islam inside and out risk their lives to expose Islam for the evil that it is and try to lead other Muslims to the truth are being savaged by a supposed Christian leader.

I have read several of his books over the years and the man is just a total nut.
In another one of his books "Hot Potatoes" he says that Christians should not hunt.
The stupidity of that statement deserves no further explanation.

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