Canaanites Demand Place in Mideast Peace Talks

By Joe Bob Briggs | 01/08/2008

As President Bush pressed for more intensive Middle East peace talks and dispatched Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to the region to propose boundaries for a possible settlement, 27 additional nationalities asserted land claims in what is traditionally known as Palestine.

 “We refuse the imperialist names of Palestine and/or Israel,” said Ramsey Clark, the former Attorney General, recently hired to represent the various claimants, including people calling themselves Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. “The proper name is Canaan.”

Clark held the press conference at a site three kilometers east of Bethel called Et-Tell–literally “the ruin heap”–chosen because it’s all that’s left of the royal city of Ai, where Israeli warlord Joshua allegedly ordered the “smiting” of 12,000 men and the burning of the entire metropolis, then hanged the king, then buried the king’s corpse, then covered the corpse with a mound of stones, like a monument.

 “And there’s never been an apology,” said Clark, standing next to a woman who described herself as a descendant of Horam king of Gezer.

 “I wasn’t in Ai, and neither were my ancestors,” said the woman, Yilla Og-chephirah, “but this is where the bloodlust started, and it didn’t get any better–we all know what happened in Gezer, not to mention Kirjathjearim. Before these people showed up, my family didn’t even like Kirjathjearimites, but going through that kind of hell kind of draws you together. In my opinion, all the Canaanites are the same now.”

Holding up placards reading “Imperialists Out of Canaan Now” and “Love Israel? Take Interstate 56 South to Egypt,” the various groups issued a list of demands ranging from monetary compensation to war-crimes trials to “right of return” laws that in some cases would require the unearthing of cities like Hazor, Madon, Shimron, and Achshaph.

Especially incensed are the former inhabitants of Gibeon, Chephirah, and Beeroth, who all demand “slave reparations” for what they claim was centuries of work as “hewers of wood and drawers of water.” (“It was ridiculous,” said their representative, Zolfikar Soweda. “I mean, how much wood and water did they need? You’d think people who knew how to make bricks out of straw would have a little sympathy, you know.”)

 “The bottom line here,” said Clark, “is that sometime in the 12th century BC, all these peace-loving people were driven from their land, chopped up with swords, robbed, looted, burned, except for–get this–the family of a hooker! What kind of sadists would do this and then, for their own amusement, rescue this prostitute and her family so they could laugh about it later? It’s disgusting.”

Clark said he would welcome any overtures from the American State Department, the Israeli Foreign Ministry, or the Palestinian authorities, but there were some things that were not negotiable. “First, the original aggression must be addressed for what it is–sustained terrorism--and an apology must be proffered. Second, Israel needs to return to the pre-1200 borders, which would be, I don’t know, wandering around somewhere, we’ll figure it out, they can have something in Sinai. And third, everyone must recognize the right of self-determination of the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites and the Hivites. The Hivites are especially upset because they tried to make peace with these people.”

Spokesmen for Israel, the United States and the Palestinians all declined comment, but sources inside the American State Department said they had been in touch with the Anakims, the last Canaanite people to be eviscerated during Israel’s extended military campaigns, and confidential sources inside those talks said most of the Canaanites would release all of their claims in return for being allowed to use Canaanite archeological sites for casinos.

Comments(13)