Camel Passes Through Eye of Needle

01/02/2008

By Siarlys Jenkins

Multitudes of church members and visitors errrupted in cries of joy on December 19th, when a camel successfully passed through the eye of a needle during the Live Animal Nativity Pageant sponsored by Oakwood Pond Assembly of God.

Jonathan Gideon Godfrey, a major benefactor of the post-modern pseudo-pentecostal suburban mega-church, applauded the Oakwood Pond Drama Department for "believing that what Our Savior spoke of could indeed be done. Without this demonstration, I might be guilt-tripped by overseas phone banks, soliciting for 501(c)(3) charities, into giving money to poor people who insist on remaining poor."

At the moment the camel stepped through the strobe-illuminated needle, children in the audience reported a feeling that God had taken away all guilt about receiving flat screen tv's and iPhones under the tree while other children might have to make do with a small toy from Family Dollar "or a bowl of gruel, whatever that is—who would eat gruel? Yuk."

The annual production is commonly plagued by complex logistics, keeping borrowed animal performers in readiness for brief roles on stage. Sheep newly driven in from grazing in open fields must be taught to "fear not" during the dramatically illuminated appearance by angels to shepherds, after being herded through long linoeleum-floored hallways with brilliant fluorescent lighting. Oxen have a tendency to drop spontaneous moist olfactory contributions in the midst of tender manger scenes—perhaps resembling too realistically what Our Savior must have experienced in His first hours after birth. Camels are notorious for stubborn refusal to obey cues from even the most experienced masters in their familiar Asian ecosystems, much less from North American amateurs who have not slept even one night in the same tent with the camel they must guide and direct.

That's why this year's miracle was so unexpected. Among the joyful celebrants who captured the magic moment on cell phones and now use it as wallpaper was Melissa Delmonica, a Catholic-raised real estate agent who briefly became a Unitarian in college, then experimented with neopaganism before obtaining her broker's license and joining Live Oak Pond. "It was awesome," she said. "God so loved the world and all its material blessings that he gave His only son, so that a rich man could indeed enter the kingdom of heaven, no matter how difficult it might be for poor sinners to do so by our own merit. We can't buy our way into heaven, but Jesus paid the price so that the camel could pass through the eye of the needle. I mean, we shouldn't be selfish or anything, but it's nice to know that it doesn't matter if we are."

Only one congregant seemed less than impressed by the pageant. Clarence C. Tutwiler, a member of Oakwood Pond since 1936, when the church consisted of one unheated room on a country road, said that he noticed the head of the Drama Department reading a book by Tina Fay, the theatrical director of "The Lion King," who frequently works with giant collapsible puppets. "I reckon I know one when I see one," said Tutwiler, referring to miracles.

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