Footprints in the Muck
“Footprints in the Sand,” the hands-down favorite for Most Nauseating Christian Poem Ever Written, is headed for federal court as three different authors make claims to be “Anonymous” and, therefore, entitled to copyright protection every time the words of the poem are engraved on a Neon Jesus Ashtray.
Contenders for authorship include Margaret Fishback Powers, an itinerant Canadian evangelist who claims to have written it in 1964 at a youth camp in Ontario; Carolyn Joyce Carty of North Carolina, who has claimed at various times that her grandmother wrote the poem in 1922 and that she wrote it herself in 1963 (when she was six years old) and that she also wrote the lyrics to the Beatles song “In My Life”; Burrell Webb, an Oregon landscape artist who says a polygraph test has proven that he wrote the poem in 1958 after his girlfriend dumped him; the late Mary Stevenson, a former showgirl and nurse, whose descendants say she composed the poem as a teenager in 1936 after the deaths of her mother and brother; and at least 12 other people who seem to genuinely believe that they wrote it. Unfortunately for all of them, Rachel Aviv of the Poetry Foundation has found the basic idea of the poem in a sermon by Charles Haddon Spurgeon, the Baptist preacher whose writings were widely disseminated well into the late 20th century. The date of that sermon: 1880. This doesn’t matter, though, because I wrote it.
Some Grey Bloke Turns Spiritual
Mike Booth, the British animator who writes, voices, draws and produces a series of hysterical vlogs starring himself as “Graham,” better known as Some Grey Bloke, who experiences life entirely through the Internet, has created the ultimate video on Religion Shopping, in which Graham sorts through all the religions of the world and decides on the one that’s best for him. We win (I think). One of the first things Graham has to deal with as a convert is the possibility that he will burn in hell, but the Calvinist nature of his choice is still being worked out.
An Alternative to Strangling the Youth Minister
Bono Fatigue: A Place for Bono Vox Detox is one of those websites you can’t stop reading, even if you’re not personally involved in Bono recovery. My favorite post comes from Jami-dog of Grand Island, Michigan: “I have found that listening to the Tijuana Brass helps because their music is so unlike anything U2 has ever done. It’s a sort of antivenin.” Keep this URL handy, because It Could Happen to U2.
Designing Ben Stein
Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, the Ben Stein movie about intelligent design that caused a minor stir when released last month, is fourwalling theaters this summer for any church group that can muster 300 guaranteed admissions. You just call up our old buddy Tripp Thornton in Dacula, Georgia, and two to three weeks later he’ll have a screening set up in your neighborhood theater. We recommend rounding up some atheist pickets to maximize attendance. Trippht@bellsouth.net or 678-546-5580 for the details.