Speaking in Fists
Todd Bentley, the bald, pierced, tattooed ex-addict evangelist from British Columbia who looks like a biker and likes to talk about how many tumors he’s healed at revival meetings (he’s a little less adept with crippled legs), has been camped out in Lakeland, Florida, for a while now (what is it about Central Florida that brings out the lunacy caravans?) and he’s taken to explaining from the pulpit just exactly how he gets messages from God to physically assault worshippers in order to heal them. So far he’s kicked a woman in the face, grabbed a woman and banged her legs up and down on the platform “like baseball bats,” jumped on top of a man (“I got into a full mount”) in order to “ground and pound,” choked a man until a devil popped out of him, hit a Chinese guy so hard it drove him back several feet and caused a tooth to pop out of his mouth, and leg-dropped one of his fellow pastors. It’s all worth it, though. In one case, a woman’s tumor “exploded out of her right leg, slid down her leg, onto the floor.” Let’s hope they preserved the tumor, because Bentley’s current venuethe Sun ‘n’ Fun RV Parkis just 37 miles from Gibsonton, Florida, winter home of the circus sideshow operators, many of whom would give him a good price for a genuine tumor in a jar.
Get Thee Behind Me, Chuck
Somehow I missed the whole “Prince Charles Is the Anti-Christ” conspiracy theory, which apparently flourished in the eighties and now has new life on the Internet, especially since the Prince recently gave a speech at the World Future Energy Summit in Abu Dhabi by sending a hologram. This impressively lifelike speech has been examined and re-examined by end-times prognosticators who leave online comments such as “Get thee behind me, Satan” and “Wake up! We are being manipulated! Don’t be one of the sheep!” The fact that the hologram was used in the Middle East, in front of so-called “eco-nazis,” somehow made it possible to be linked to the previous most popular Prince Charles conspiracy video, a performance of Carmina Burana by the BBC National Orchestra on the occasion of the 25th anniversary of his investiture. Carmina Burana has a final chorus with supposedly satanic overtones and was written by Nazi-era composer Carl Orff. (Okay, nobody said these were simple connections.) Note, though, the “vampiric teeth” of the conductor. Apparently the anti-Christ is also a bloodsucker, which, as far as I know, is a new twist on the old story.
Freecreditreport.com Won’t Help Her
Cheryl Lean Granger, previously mentioned in these columns as one of the most brazenly aggressive church-bookkeeper embezzlers in history, has received six years in the hoosegow, after which she’s expected to pay back the $333,000 she stole from Newport Harbor Lutheran Church in Newport Beach, California, which she attended with her professor husband until the two of them absconded to New Hampshire, where they were tracked down by dogged Orange County investigators. Hopefully she’ll be sent to one of those prisons where she can earn 10 cents a day sewing underwear or something.