John Bloom's picture
05.06.2008 | Comments(19)

Hot Amish Babes

Denise Grollmus, the reporter for the alternative weekly Cleveland Scene who did the ultimate Rex Humbard obituary, found a couple of teenage Amish party girls exploring alcohol and rock-and-roll at Twister’s Bar in Middlefield, Ohio, during their rumspringa years, and the result is “Amish Girls Gone Wild,” which details the perils of buggy-driving while drunk, not to mention what happens when your mother catches you wearing jeans and hiding a cell phone in your purse. Fortunately the parents never hear the Eminem lyrics the girls know by heart.

Don’t Call Him the Voodoo Pope

Voodoo Guide

We’re not supposed to refer to Max G. Beauvoir as the Voodoo Pope, even though who can resist that title now that the voodooists of Haiti have finally organized and elected Beauvoir as their “supreme master”? Among Beauvoir’s skills, practiced at his Peristyle de Mariani Temple of Yehwe on the outskirts of Port-au-Prince, are goat sacrifice, totem-dancing, spirit-summoning, casting of spells, healing, herbal remedies, and biochemistry (thanks to his degrees from the Sorbonne and City College of New York). And zombies, of course. Beauvoir is the source for much of the research conducted by Harvard anthropologist Wade Davis for his book The Serpent and the Rainbow, best known in its movie form as rendered by Wes Craven, who took a Hollywood crew to Haiti and barely escaped with his life after a riot, a sit-in, a siege, and evil spells resulting in the sickness of crew members. (Those last scenes are actually filmed in the Dominican Republic. The entire crew fled Haiti in the dead of night.) At any rate, Beauvoir says he’s determined to clean up the image of voodoo, and that its reputation for secrecy, sinister motives, spirit possession, violent ritual and animal mutilation is an invention of Hollywood and the media, and that anyone who takes a good hard look at the houngans and mambos who practice the religion day by day will be able to see that voodoo is a great benefit to Haiti and to mankind, and if you don’t believe that, then you’ll probably have a rat’s eye placed under your pillow tonight and it will cause you to dream of your intestines being devoured by jaguars.

34 Years Is All You Can Do? Jesus Says You’re So Fired

Kent Gramm, a popular English professor at Wheaton College for 20 years, just got fired because he and his wife of 34 years are divorcing, which is against Wheaton rules, unless you have a “Biblical reason.” Gramm decided he didn’t want to give the reason, so university officials cited Matthew 19 and the letters of Paul (without stating which one) as they gave him the heave ho, because, as we all know, the New Testament is a list of rules to hit people over the head with when they screw up.

Yeah, Like That Verse About Free Enterprise

Bible and Flag

A Vatican poll recently found that the United States was the “most Bible-literate” nation, but as soon as you read into the fine print, you see that a) they only conducted the poll in nine countries, all of them in Europe, and b) they weren’t sophisticated enough to realize that most people who claim to be recalling something from the Bible are actually recalling something from Ben Franklin (“Cleanliness is next to godliness”) or their crotchety grandfather (“Charity begins at home”).The crime is not that people don’t know what’s in the Bible, it’s that they load it up with new stuff. It’s already long enough, people.

Dude Rabbis Battling for Surf Rights

Surfing Rabbi

All right, how can there be two surfing rabbis? No sooner had I sung the praises of Yom Tov Glaser, the singing skateboarding surfing rabbi from Jerusalem who recites the Kabbalah while playing Bob Marley covers, than a rabbi named Nachum Shifren turns up in Los Angeles, also billing himself as the surfing rabbi as he promotes his new book, Kill Your Teacher: Corruption and Racism in Los Angeles City Schools. It’s a narrative of his 18 years as a secondary school teacher in the barrio, an experience that included the day when he showed up at Dorsey High School to find his classroom burned to the ground. Shifren claims he was eventually run out of the school system by youth gangs who resented his authoritarian ways and a series of administrators who pled with him to relax standards so students would “like him” more. The “Surfing Rabbi” tag came from his days as a professional surfer–same as Yom Tov Glaser, the Hasidic Party Rabbi–but his book sounds like a totally bogus, if not meshugenah, slacker wave to me.

Chinese to Tibet Supporters:WTF?

Chinese Wheelchair Athlete

So, class, what have we learned? Don’t be seen on YouTube abusing a wheelchair athlete. That’s the image that enraged the Chinese after the Olympic torch was besieged by protesters in Paris, one of whom was fended off by a brave Chinese wheelchair athlete who is now a national hero for protecting the torch from froth-mouth western Lama-lovers. The benefit for the U.S. is that the Chinese are now focused almost exclusively on boycotting French products, especially the Carrefour supermarket chain, to the point that President Sarkozy had to send a special envoy to apologize to the Politburo. McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and CNN are also on their radar, however. And once again the question must be asked: why are so many people in the west so anxious to demand independence for a people who say they don’t want independence? At least the two sides are talking, although at this point it amounts to little more than “You’re violent!” “No, you’re violent!” Can’t the Buddhists and the Communists settle this in a Christian manner?


Process Deist | 11:29 pm on 5/06/2008

'Slovenliness is no part of religion.'Cleanliness is indeed next to Godliness.'
That comes from John Wesley not Ben Franklin.

MattStarrs | 05:46 am on 5/07/2008

Ooh! Wesley! Even better than the Bible!!!

that calvinist doug | 07:09 am on 5/07/2008

1. Concerning the list of "talents" attributed to the voodoo pope, most of it seems like stuff Copeland does, so maybe he could be vice-pope?
2. Regarding bible literacy in the US, my favorite bible quote is: "God helps those who helps themselves." Especially encouraging during an election cycle...
3. Lastly, the Amish babes...did you get a phone number?

Monster Truck Liturgy Guy | 03:26 pm on 5/07/2008

I saw them on hot amish porn dot com. Seven maids a milkin' and showing all ankle, baby! Wooo-hoo!

stebeau | 10:01 am on 5/07/2008

Those white bonnets are such a tease!

pk | 10:10 am on 5/07/2008

The only trouble with using the New Testament to hit people over the head with is that it's comparatively flimsy. Now the Old Testament, you can pull back and swing like a two by four. I suggest tightly rolling up the New Testament, giving it a nice-sized handhold, more structural integrity, and a more aerodynamic shape.

SRebbe | 03:45 pm on 5/07/2008

that's why the OT is thicker than the NT.

Anonymous | 12:47 pm on 5/07/2008

I recognize that pix. of the Amish girl gone's Anna Baptist.

mountainguy | 08:09 pm on 5/08/2008

They better do this when they are 18, because once they are 50, then there comes the menno-pause

TheDonQuixotic | 01:00 pm on 5/07/2008

While I don't know the specifics of the Wheaton college thing, nor do I know to pass judgment (due to my lack of knowledge on the subject), I do want to point out that the bible does make it extremely clear that Christians are not supposed to divorce except in very specific cases. Jesus did not destroy the law, he fullfilled it. He freed us from the ritualistic Mosaic law, but we are still bound by the universal moral law that all humanity knows. Adultery is wrong, and Jesus himself defined most divorce as adultery. I don't know how exactly Wheaton college is supposed to handle that kind of situation, but if the exact same man came out saying that he had been hiring prostitutes or embezzling money, what would they do then?

Paul in Maine | 02:15 pm on 5/07/2008

Promote him to Dean of Ethics

SRebbe | 03:56 pm on 5/07/2008

please, Donnie. you know the answer to that one. there would be merely 'restoration'.

Jesus was speaking of divorce in terms of Jews divorcing their wives to get out of obligation, among other things -- divorce against their will which was common practice. wives back then were property and had less rights than most slaves. "addressing the hardness of legal interpreters' hearts (mt 19:8), Jesus opposed divorce to protect marriage and family, thereby seeking to prevent the betrayal of innocent spouses."

budda | 07:27 pm on 5/07/2008

Yep, thats about it, SReebe. I would only add, that while divorce is a complicated mess of neurosis, psychosis, nature, nurture, and mixed motives, it sometimes is the least bad choice of several really bad options. Sometimes, it just can't go on with both spouses alive.

While not always the worst option, it is always a sad thing and should be mourned with compassion, not judgment.

Unless the divorced one has a history of standing on a stage condemning divorce and all those who are divorced. In that case, go out to the garden and get some rocks.

Process Deist | 11:21 pm on 5/07/2008

"divorce is a complicated mess of neurosis, psychosis, nature, nurture, and mixed motives, it sometimes is the least bad choice of several really bad options. Sometimes, it just can't go on with both spouses alive"
BUDDA....Can you work this into a country song. Add something about prision and Mama and the family dog dying.
You could sell a million recordings.
Hot damn....were're gona be rich.

budda | 01:20 am on 5/08/2008

I'll let you know when the royalty checks start coming in. Hell, you could plant a vineyard, have your own private label.

"LeeLee" | 06:53 pm on 5/10/2008

Yeah, hiring prostitutes... embezzling money... yeah, that ranks right up there with divorce. (And this coming from a divorced Christian woman.)

Yeah, probly he should be prosecuted to the full extent of the moral law... for exercising his legal right to divorce. There is a law against that, right?? A moral law. What's the sentencing guideline for that?

More or less time than for hiring prostitutes and embezzling money??

(just checkin - wonderin' if the statute of limitations has "run out on me"... too... :) )

Amarie | 05:46 pm on 5/07/2008

If Gramm was popular and he was an English prof. then my guess is he was too involved with "student affairs" if you catch my drift, nudge nudge.
Humanities profs tended to hit on you more than the Science guys. I blame more reading of Shakespeare, that sexy dog, and Philip Roth, than, say, Nehemiah (even sexier).

"LeeLee" | 06:44 pm on 5/10/2008

John, that was nearly sacreligious there... about those Amish girls. What next?? A story on Weird Al Yankovic Paradise video?? LOL HA! These Amish people are salt of the earth and churn butter, John, and this story is the best the Cleveland Scene can churn out??

Denise Grollmus should be SO FIRED...

Please let that Wittenburg Door hit her where it oughtta on her way out.


Amusing as always, John. :)

Anonymous | 08:29 am on 12/30/2008

i have critical information to help denise grollmus complete her scene article of march 18, 2008, regarding the ohio supreme court.
please have her contact mark at the above e mail asap. thanks. mark

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