When a tourist organization announced plans for the Alabama Wine Trail, connoisseurs all over the world started making reservations, because who can resist a fruity Tuscaloosa muscadine or a Rosa Parks Merlot, with that hint of Greyhound seat-cover aroma? Actually there are only eight wineries in Alabama, but that’s eight too many for the Baptist churches, who vow to fight the Wine Trail and defend the Bible, which states clearly that Jesus turned water into Welch’s Grape Juice, and that stuff he drank at the Last Supper was Grape Nehi. All of this drama is taking place, by the way, in northern Alabama, the setting of that great southern classic The Klansman, starring O.J. Simpson as the black liberation terrorist who takes Richard Burton and Lola Falana hostage (in a white Bronco!), much to the consternation of corrupt sheriff Lee Marvin and local Klan leader Cameron Mitchell, who think Richard Burton is too liberal and so he probably helped O.J. escape, even though Burton is supposedly fifth-generation northern Alabama gentry. Burton made the movie toward the end of his career, when the errors of his youth were starting to take a toll on his face and his ability to enunciate, but one thing is very clear from this performance, the only time Burton worked in northern Alabama: he would be in favor of the Wine Trail.

Satan Is One Thing, But Really

People with way too much time on their hands are alarmed that “under God” might be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance, thanks to the exertions of the Freedom From Religion Foundation (chief agent of Satan: Michael Newdow). Fortunately we have the American Center for Law & Justice (chief agent of godliness: Jay Sekulow), which is determined to out-lawyer the infidel opposition. These are the same people who spend years of their lives fighting the completely insane battle to restore school prayer. After at least six months of trying, they have about 7,600 names on their Internet petition to support the Committee to Protect “Under God.,” which is about 220,000 less than the number of names on the petition to stop Uwe Boll from making any more films.

Even Oprah Will Probably Take a Pass

All together now:
Thank God I was raped!
Thank God I have cancer!
Thank God my family was dysfunctional!
Thank God I have an eating disorder!
Thank God my child died!
Thank God my husband was an alcoholic!
Yes, these are real titles of real chapters in a real book, compiled by the annoyingly self-important John Castagnini—the first sentence on his homepage biography compares him to Leonardo da Vinci-- for what he’s certain will be the next best-seller, Thank God I, which he compares to Chicken Soup for the Soul. (I think not.) He even envisions Thank God I as not just one but a series of books, as “thousands of writers will reveal gut-wrenching accounts of how they transformed perceived crisis into blessings.” The only ones he names in his press release, however, are John Demartini, one of the “experts” in The Secret, and Janet Atwood, author of a book called The Passion Test. (Don’t ask.) The beauty of this concept is that, whereas most self-help get-rich schemes eventually peter out when after a period of time, the person doesn’t get help and doesn’t get rich, this one can be reinvigorated forever, because the opportunity to get rich and healthy is embedded in cancer, rape, death and drunkenness! Yes, you ended up in the gutter! Now you can thank God for that opportunity and blessing! The apostle Paul had an inkling that this would turn up when he wrote, “Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?” To which Castagnini and all other New Agers of his ilk say, “Yes, yes we should!” To which Paul said, “God forbid.”

Wow

Is there something we don’t understand about being a church bookkeeper? Here’s the latest case of embezzlement of mind-boggling proportions: Cheryl Lean Granger is accused of taking $320,000 out of the till of Newport Harbor Lutheran Church in Newport Beach, California, over a four-year period by simply writing checks (170 of them!) to her husband, a professor at the University of California-Irvine. Once they had enough money, the couple moved to New Hampshire, where she was eventually run to ground by the Orange County District Attorney’s office, working with John Embree, pastor of the 200-member congregation. This is about the 19th case like this so far this year. Churches have a worse track record in this area than casinos!