Least Favorite Children's Bible Stories

11/12/2007

By Dale Dobson · Illustration by Michael Walker

The Talking Man

Danielle the Donkey was minding her own business when her owner saddled her up to ride forth into Moab. She thought the venture ill-advised, but was forced to obey. They had not gone very far when an Angel of the Lord appeared, holding aloft a flaming sword.

"I don't much like the look of this," Danielle said to herself. "I think I shall look for another way around."

And she swerved into the fields. Her owner was displeased, and he beat her with a cudgel until she returned to the path, well past the spot where the Angel had been standing.

The Angel appeared again, standing in a narrow stretch of the road. And Danielle squeezed to one side, scraping her owner's foot against a vineyard wall. And he cried out in anger and beat her a second time.

The third time the Angel appeared, Danielle could see no way to go around, or under, or over the place where he wielded his sword of flame. And so she balked, refusing to go any farther. And again her owner beat her.

Danielle had now had quite enough of this, and the Lord had mercy on her, and opened her mouth so that she might speak aloud.

"What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" she exclaimed. "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day?"

And the man was surprised, and suspected deception afoot, and cried, "No!"

But the Lord opened his eyes to the Angel, who told him he would have been killed had his faithful donkey not carried him out of harm's way, for his path was untrue and reckless. And the man bowed down in obeisance, and the Angel allowed him to continue, giving him a message to carry to Balak, king of Moab.

Danielle thought she might pass the time on the road by conversing with her owner, now that she could speak aloud.

"My name is Danielle," she offered. "I am pleased to be able to introduce myself!"

"My name is Balaam," said the man.

But as it turned out he really had very little to say beyond a few lame jokes and tired aphorisms, even to someone who had saved his life three times in one day, and Danielle resolved to send out a few resumes.

 

Rodney's Adventure

Rodney was a handsome bighorn sheep who spent his days wandering through the mountains of Moriah. He was well known to all the other sheep, and a good friend to the other animals who lived on the mountain. He allowed the sparrows to ride on his magnificent horns, and sang with the owls in the moonlight, and was always careful not to trample the rabbits under his mighty hooves.

One morning he decided to climb higher up the mountain than he had ever been before. He made his way slowly up the mountainside, putting one hoof carefully in front of the other as his father and grandfather had taught him.

But when he got to the top of the mountain, he lost his footing and tumbled into a bramble patch. The burrs grabbed and tugged at his wool, and no matter which way he turned, he could not find his way out.

"Oh, dear," thought Rodney. "I seem to be trapped in this thicket!"

Now it so happened that a man and his son were approaching, and Rodney bleated and called for their assistance as loud as he could.

"If only they hear me," thought Rodney, "they will set me free! Sir! Sir! Over here!"

But the man and his son paid no attention. They talked quietly for a while, and the man seemed very serious indeed about building something in the clearing on top of the mountain. Rodney cried and shouted until he was hoarse, but it was no use at all.

Then an Angel of the Lord appeared, and said:

"Dearest Rodney! I have been watching you for a long while. I am so sorry you have been caught in this thicket. I shall set you free, so that you may fulfill God's plan for your future."

And with a wave of his hand, the Angel caused the thicket to vanish into thin air!
Rodney sprang forth, and shook himself, and his beautiful black eyes glistened in the sun with joy and relief.
And then the man set upon him, and caught him up, and sacrificed him to the Lord.
When all was said and done, it was a pretty poor excuse for an adventure.

 

The Daring Dove

The ark had sailed across the high and raging waters for many days and nights, and all aboard were desperate for some sign of land. And so it was that Dauphin, a young French dove renowned for his flying skill, was selected by the ship's captain to fly a daring reconnaissance mission over the whole Earth.

His first sortie proved fruitless, as he soared across the endless expanse of water, finding neither land nor any other sign of life. He flew until his wings ached, but was at last forced to return to the carrier empty-beaked.

The captain assured him he was no failure, and might try again soon, but he did not feel any better.

His girlfriend Yvette was waiting for him upon his return below decks, for she had joined him on the ark, although he would rather she had stayed at home, because he didn't actually like her all that much.

"I knew they were crazy sending you on such an important mission," she cooed, for she could do little else even when the tone was wholly inappropriate. "You and your fancy flying. I've been telling you since we met that you need to grow up and get back down to earth. Have you even thought about our future? What have you been doing with all your free time?"

It was an uncomfortably long seven days later when Dauphin was sent out again. He flew high in the sky, and low over the surface of the water, searching and seeking. And at long last, nearly exhausted, he spotted the very tiny tip of an olive branch rising above the water.

He took a single leaf lightly in his beak, being careful not to crush it, and flew swiftly back to the ark. The captain and all aboard were overjoyed to see the tiny sprig of green, for they knew it meant the flood waters were at last receding.

But Yvette was still not satisfied.

"Where on earth have you been?" she said. "Really! I've been worried sick. Now come on, you good-for-nothing, we must get to work repopulating the planet with our kind. The pigeons next door are wayyyy ahead of us already. And we need a bigger nest."

Which was an unreasonable amount of pressure for a young bird to deal with under the circumstances, and it was several days before he spoke to Yvette again. But there weren't really any alternative mates available, especially as all the stress was causing his feathers to thin prematurely, and so he sighed and just got on with it, consigning his youthful dreams of aerial derring-do to the scrap heap of adult obligation.

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